Drop offs/pick ups

[Itsallpeachyfornow]

Is this a shared responsibility for non resident children?

3 weekends out of 4

The journey does give them alone time and enables my partner to catch up and see how he is so that is a positive

@stuffedpeppers That's what I thought, Hun.

Absolutely not the partners choice to move all that way. Must have been the ex's then

3 weekends out of 4? So you are both expecting this child to spend 27 hours out of their weekends every month on public transport? Or expecting exW to spend 12 hours out of her weekends every month facilitating your DP's contact with their child? Does that really strike you as reasonable?

Oh dear me, this is not good for any of you at all. You either need to move nearer or learn to drive & get a car ASAP. What on earth was he thinking when he moved somewhere so inaccessible to his children?!

My ex chose to move 2 hours away, so he has to do all the traveling. But then I also have a medical condition that means I need to be close to a toilet and can't really travel for more than half an hour at a time.
If he lived closer then I would share the travel, but he had to move away from his dd.

It's hardly relevant if your partner doesn't drive but hers does, is it. It's your partner's choice not to drive.

You just need to accept - given that you were told the same thing on your last thread - that as your partner moved away from his children, he needs to collect them. He could always move closer to them?

My mum moved me 3h away. My dad did all the driving. The 6 hour round trip every 3rd weekend still meant he did far less parenting then my mum. Those car rides were also some pretty important parenting time, when I think of my childhood with my dad a lot of my favourite memories were in the car. As an adult I still love finding excuses to get him to drive me places so we can be in the car together.
NRP unless 50/50 should view transport as parenting time and not quibble over it.

I met my partner in the same area we live now so I had no involvement in the distance
So really he moved where he is to be with you and whatever personal reason you had not to move to his. In this case, yes, it is perfectly right that he should do all the travelling although it would be nice if she did it occasionally.

We do all pick ups, drop offs, and to and from school mid week, 20 miles away. It's time consuming, very expensive, stressful, have to get my son out of nursery early to be able to get to DSS on time, but it's what needs to be done. One time in 2 years RP has dropped him off, and that is only because it fitted her agenda of dumping some broken belongings off to DP.

I also have to facilitate all of my ex MILs access to my kids too when she decides she would like to see them, thankfully not often.

When my kids dad was involved with them, we shared. One would collect, the other would drop off. But he only lived 5 miles away. I don't expect RP to drive 20 miles to us to get her son to school, but collecting him on a Sunday now and again would be a welcomed treat! But it won't happen so we do what we have to do to keep it consistent for DSS.

I did the drop off and pick ups on a Friday evening - 2 - 2,5 hrs on a Friday evening in M25 rush hour traffic and anything from 2-4 hrs back.

I did it because my EX could not be arsed and his new DP gave me a mouthful of abuse that he did not have the time to be away from "the family" for that long!! If I had not then DCs would never have seen their father.

When you have driven a long way and face a huge drive back - the "wankers" would not even let me have a pee, never cross the threshold of their house.( I later found out why!)

I would have to drop DCs, two streets away, walk them to the end of their road, phone EX who would come and get them, then run back to my car and drive 20 mins to nearest petrol station to pee. Completely demeaning and degrading but then I knew that is what she wanted to force the contact to stop.

I do recall one halfway drive - 15 miles from his and 55 miles from mine!

He chose to move away, he should do the pick up/ drop off. He should learn to drive.

I don’t buy this ‘by necessity’ rubbish- my ex also claims this is the reason he moved 200 miles away. In reality it was for a better job and his new partner. There is no job in the world that would take me away from my DC. By moving away he made my life much harder than it needed to be, as he is obviously not around for pick up before/after school, if they are ill and need to stay off etc, that is all down to me. So the very least he can do is the weekend pick ups/drop offs!

That’s kind of you to collect by car once you’ve learned to drive OP.

Don’t let your DP pass his responsibilities on to you though as they are his children so he should be the one making the effort.

he is obviously not around for pick up before/after school, if they are ill and need to stay off etc, that is all down to me. So the very least he can do is the weekend pick ups/drop offs!

^^ this

It's honestly astounding the fucking cheek of taking yourself 4.5 hours out of your child's reach, unilaterally making your ex responsible for every sick day, every school trip, every parents evening, every inset day and then moaning that they don't also facilitate his life by taking on the responsibility for travelling to the place he moved to be with his new partner and child.

Put yourself in ex partner's shoes. How would you feel if/when he buggers off 4.5 hours away from your child to start a new family. Would you still be happy for it to be the ex's responsibility to drive?

Thank you for your views, opinions & experiences

My partner's little boy is happy and my girl is happy, that's what matters

Take care and keep calm

If you met your Dp in the area you currently live in, then I guess that’s the reason. Because he moved to where you live?

My DH is NRP and has the kids every other weekend. Used to be every weekend when they were younger. He does all pick ups and drop offs and it’s 45 mins each way.

I always thought like you it should be shared (especially when the responsibility falls on me when’s DH can’t do it - I think it should be their DM!)

But a colleague put it well once. She said their mother has the kids 5 out of 7 or 12 out of 14 so it’s not a lot to ask that their dad picks up and drops off for those two nights a fortnight...

I thought she had a point

I think it should be the responsibility of the NRP.

The RP does all the donkey work, school runs, appts etc.. i dont see why it should be shared. Fortunately our judge agreed.

But then some RP refuse to take their kids to school or collect them, refuse to facilitate any access at all, and book all of their orthodontist appointments 35 miles away from you for the days that they are with you and they are sat at home. He gets sent here with dirty uniform, dirty clothes to be washed, and a reminder to pay for his school dinners. So I don't think it should automatically be assumed that the NRP should have to do it all because often their efforts can amount to more than leaving your kids a pizza in the fridge most nights whilst you go out.

Adults should behave as such and act in their children's best interests without petty agendas to get back at their ex 🤷🏻‍♀️ when we took him to his last one I actually queried whether his treatment was only done on certain days and was told I could have any day, so I still booked the next for when he was with us again as I refuse to let her know that she has any effect on our lives. We just do what needs to be done, behind the scenes it can cause absolute mayhem, having to take time off work to take him etc but he is never aware of it because it's not his worry to carry.

Much healthier for children to see that their parents can still work together for their own good after their world has been tipped upside down. They probably had to live in a war zone whilst parents were together, why anyone would want their kids to think that their split wasn't for the best all round and choose to carry on the fight is beyond me. My ex behaved horrifically to me but I still managed to knock on his door with the kids of a Friday evening.

@nophelange you sound just lovely. Our stepchild came last weekend in underwear 3 years too small which upset me but I would not say anything to his mum because it wouldnt be worth the arguments. We pay maintenance and feel necessities like this should be kept up to.

The next morning when our stepchild was going home, packing his bag etc he said with tears in his eyes I can't find my socks and my mum told me if I do not bring everything home my toys are going in the bin. I was mortified and told him that he doesnt have to worry and that was up to us to sort out.

Children need to be children and he should not have this worry on his shoulders

My ex does all the pick ups a drop offs, its an hour round trip, i refuse to do any,
He pays a lot less in cm than he should though.

This narks me also. DP’s ex moved 60 miles away from us and has made it clear that it’s our responsibility to pick up and drop off DSD every weekend.

OH is a farmer and during lambing and calving time finds it difficult to be able to get away to drive there and back. She will bring her then but asks for £30 petrol money to be transferred before she sets off each time.