Newly engaged and DSD unenthusiastic

[tipsytrainee46]

Firstly, first time poster so bear with me if I'm hopeless!

I recently got engaged to my DP of three years and we are both absolutely delighted. He has DD9 who I get on great with. She stays with us just slightly less than half the week and there are generally no issues at all. I've played a large part in her life for over 2 years now and I would say we're very close.

The engagement happened when we were on holiday and we video called her a few days later when she was at MIL's to tell her. I had suggested waiting till we were home, but DP wanted to call. At the time she couldn't have been less bothered and didn't really say anything - not sad or upset but not excited either. We put it down to her being more interested in playing about with the face filters on Facebook video calling than actually listening to us and having a conversation.

However we are now home and seen her for the first time yesterday and again she was totally dismissive of everything. She was happy to see both of us, but she wouldn't look at my ring and just kept changing the subject. I want to give myself a shake and deep down I think it's more just a matter of weddings being boring when you're 9 and she's just uninterested, but equally I'd hate to think she's hiding the fact she's upset. DP thinks I'm being ridiculous and worrying about nothing, but it's really getting me down. SIL got engaged at Christmas and DSD was so excited for them, so I can't help but compare her reactions.

I also want to ask her to be a junior bridesmaid, but worried that it will all be a bit too much for her. She's the most kind and loving little girl and I don't think she'd admit to being upset, so I don't want to put her in a position of feigning extra happiness at being asked to be bridesmaid.

Any advice on how to handle the situation and thoughts on the bridesmaid thing would be greatly appreciated!

I had no idea it was on the cards, so I couldn't have spoke to her first. He didn't, and I wish he had - it was my first question after 'did you ask my dad!?'

She was with her gran, (DP's mum) when we told her, not her own mum.

I agree he should have handled it better. I think he just knows how well we get on and thought it would never be an issue. He still thinks it's not even an issue tbh. But we are where we are and there's no point in moaning at him about what he should have done, I'm just looking to work out how best to move forward

Expect some acting out, no one is asking her opinion or taking her feelings into account. This is a big deal, not where shall we go for dinner. You could write her a letter if she doesn't want to talk, and her dad should make time to listen to her, but seems you are doing emotional housework. That's good but he is the parent. Hope her mum is sensible in between moving her bloke in and beng all loved up.

I’m not entirely sure that DSD was that interested when we got engaged; i think to her it didn’t change things as she knew our view was we’d be together forever.
Once we actually started planning the wedding she got excited; we made her bridesmaid and put her in charge of some things (choosing the kids menu, party bags for the kids, choosing some of the music) and her focus was on her role in the wedding which was quite natural for an 8 year old

I'd ask her to be bridesmaid and make a fuss of her when u ask. Make a day of it.
Involve her picking her dress. She'll love the attention and getting to try on dresses.
My ds and dsd where there when dp proposed 2 years ago n neither were bothered lol my ds now 5 still isn't lo. However dsd 8 cant wait. I've even planned a mini overnight break hen night for just me n her!

Today has been a muuuuch better day. I think you were all right, she just needed some time.

DP and I agreed before she was dropped off that we wouldn't mention it, but my friend popped round unannounced with an engagement gift which made that difficult!

Initially she wasn't interested again so we didn't say anything further, but later caught her in the kitchen having a flick through the magazines which my friend had left. Sat with her and we looked through venues and she was really excited by the end of it. She helped us pick a shortlist of singers too, so definite progress.

Still asked DP to speak with her tomorrow alone before I finish work and will be lead by her wanting to talk about it or not, but positive steps for sure! Will leave he bridesmaid thing for a bit and then pose it as 'you've been such a massive help so far I really think I need you as bridesmaid!'

That sounds great. You sound like such a lovely step mum. When my ex announced he was having another baby dd cried for about three hours. Even though she had often said she would like her dad and his gf to have a baby. I think it was a bit of a shock and she was upset about not being the youngest anymore. I was really blindsided because I knew she'd always wanted them to.have a baby. She recovered really quickly and absolutely adores her little brother now.

Kids don't really like change though do they even when it's nice.

@tipsytrainee46 that's good news :)

If it helps when I asked them how involved they'd like to be e.g. be bridesmaid, I made sure I let them know they didn't have to and suggested other options, e.g. wait at the end with Dad, sit at the front. In my situation the youngest really doesn't like to upset anyone so I needed to make it easy for her to say no if she wasn't comfortable.

I hope you have a lovely time wedding planning!

Thanks all! What a relief!

That’s a great update OP.

I’d think about asking her to be a bridesmaid sooner than later as it might be that she’s upset that she hasn’t been asked and if you leave it too long she might think you’re doing it as an afterthought.

Weddings are boring, especially when you’re 9. Even more so when it also ends any hope you had of your parents getting back together - lets face it she probably knows it’s impossible but this will make it real.

I’m 40 and i don’t get the squealing and over excitement you’re supposed to display. Couldn’t be less interested in rings, and i am just not good at the pretending to coo over one.

You sound like you are doing the right thing letting her get involved as and when she wants. She’ll probably love to be a bridesmaid, because it will be her getting attention more than you getting married, iyswim. Marriage is irrelevant at that age!