Does anyone not live with their DH full time?

[RagingWhoreBag]

Been with DP 6 years with the odd break when it all got too much but not married or indeed engaged yet.

Main reason being the DCs - he has 2 DDs aged 10 & 14, I have DD 12 and 2 DSs aged 14 & 18. They don’t want to live together (fair enough, I’m probably happier not being blended too) but this has meant keeping completely separate lives.

DP stays with us two or three times a week, depending which nights he has his DCs. But he isn’t really part of the family - doesn’t contribute financially towards the house etc and as I’m on a low income I have resisted the idea of him having any formal involvement in case it affects my finances.

We have talked in the past about potentially getting married, him investing in my home and helping to support me financially (he’s on £100k+ and I’m on less than £10k) but I don’t know if that is weird and whether I’d still be resentful of him having another home, his primary home in fact, away from me.

As it stands as BF/GF I am just grateful for the time we spend together without too many expectations, but it is hard being so much worse off, watching him spend money on his DCs and himself (and on me to be fair) while I have to be very careful with my own DCs.

He treats me to dinner and weekends away sometimes, but it’s hard when I’m struggling to pay bills, getting into debt and then he buys me a new iPad etc and I feel churlish for saying “I’d rather have the money!”

If we joined forces officially I feel like I’d be less alone in this, would have his financial support but would still have to wave him off several times a week to live at his other house. Does anyone else do this and how does it work for you?

Tbh marrying you is not financially beneficial to him and it can cause further issues/considerations with inheritance in relation to his kids.

He's also currently getting what he needs relationship wise as it is. Including you ironing his shirt, which I'm sure he's capable of doing.

It seems the current arrangement suits him.

I still think the income gap is a big issue. You're close to the edge and need a Tesco shop ... He's never likely to be in that position.

£10k vs £100k ... big difference.

As he has kids and a high income be prepared for him to keep seperate finances even after you start living together. I know many a person in your DP’s situation (high earner married to a low earner) who hasn’t agreed to marriage without an ironclad prenup / will / trust for their kids.

Ten times amplified agreement on cherries post. I know no one in this sort of a situation where if it didn’t work out, they wouldn’t have cast iron legal agreements in place to ensure they lost no assets/ money.

In your shoes I’d be blunt. Say you want the money for food shops as opposed to 40 inch tv’s and that would be the biggest help. Personally? I would drop the marriage convo. If he wants to propose, he’ll propose. I’m not sure why he would however. He has his own DC to think about and prioritise. And I’m sorry but when it comes down to it, who does he naturally want to spoil more? It will be his own DC. And perhaps you. But I doubt he feels any responsibility over your DC.

I also have alarm bells over why his family aren’t inviting you. This talks to things bigger than just money. Why don’t they invite you? Including someone in plans is free, easy and just kind. If you’re a serious couple surely you would be invited?

Or is his ex still being invited out with the family and the DC?

I've been with DP for almost 6 years now. We live 20 minutes apart. He's a widower, lives with his 19 year old son. I'm here with my 2 DCs who are grown now, and saving for their own home deposit currently.

DP earns a lot more than I do. My DCs do contribute to household although I don't charge them a lot.

DP does a weekly online shop for me, we socialise and holiday together and he foots more of those bills. He cooks a lot more than I do so often brings me a meal over, or I pop to his after work. I do contribute, just less than him.

I'm happy with the way our relationship is. We get on very well. I've been there done that before re marriage and living with a man. I don't particularly like living with a man anyway, I much prefer space and seeing each other 3 times weekly either at his or mine suits me fine. Not fussed about marriage, I wouldn't particularly mind if it went on like this forever

If I wasn't happy with it, I would say. Sounds like you need to have the talk, OP. Does he contribute when he stays at yours? 3 times weekly is a very regular stay over so it's costing you somehow. I'll be at the sounds as if he's generous to you when it comes to gifts. DP isn't a gifts and flowers man, but he's great when it comes to the practical stuff.

ExH married a woman who had 2 DCs already. and he isn't the only man I know that's married a woman who already had DCs. She works part-time, he works full-time corporate so he earns a lot more than she does So I'm not in the camp of 'a man won't marry you if you already have children & will want to hold onto his money for himself'. Real life doesn't necessarily work like that, everyone is different.

Agree with pp's who say just be blunt with him re your relationship needsneeds, and that it's best to drop the marriage conversation for now. Sounds as if you have other priorities to sort out first.