When are you officially a stepmum?

[Drawtheline14]

Out of curiousty do people class being a stepmum from marriage, a certain of relationship or from moving in?

This is not me.

Background, my husband left me for another woman when I was 27 weeks pregnant, we now have a 2 and 1 year old AND a four month old.

He has EOW contact for the older two and visitation only of the baby at present.

We’ve been separated 7 months now so that’s how long he’s been with her ‘officially’. He met her at his new job and he hasn’t been there a year yet so they’ve not known each other long but moved in straight away and have our older two EOW for one day but two full days.

So would you class this as being a ‘stepmum’? I wouldn’t...

I’m only asking because me and my STBXH agreed that we’d want to work in a team of 4 (when it happens, i’m currently single) and be friends etc but i’m wondering if it will last with this woman (she’s ten years older, has no children and has a rep) or whether I should swallow my pride and get to know her if she’s having an active part in their lives. As my ex said he would if I get with someone.

Would you wait and see if it lasts or accept she’s likely going to be a sm and progress out co parenting relationship with her also and that’s what my ex and I both want?

To add... this is on your Ex... But it says a lot about a woman who'd have an affair with a man who's wife is pregnant and has a baby and a toddler.

Both parties wete wrong...the OW isn't blameless.

I don't think I'd feel the need to meet her if it was me. That gives her relevance. I certainly wouldn't want to get pally with her.

I don’t think I’d ever classify myself as an official stepmum. I hate the term with a passion. I am nothing more than daddy’s other half.

Quite happy with that and feel no need to be anything more, nor will I. I am Mum to my DC’s and that’s where I firmly draw the line.

You sound like you still have feelings for him. Which is understandable it’s still fresh. And he left you so vulnerable really, rejecting you with young kids. You are bound to feel upset.

He’s rubbish for cancelling. My Ex has done this for similar wife reasons. I totally blame him. You are connected to him, he’s the father of your kids so you will have mixed feelings for a while.

I guess I’m just saying, allow your feelings to just happen but gradually, make sure you are all about yourself. And your kids. Get support. Get out there. Have lovely times with your kids. Minimize the time with Ex. Don’t make excuses for him, don’t have conversations with him, keep busy when the kids are at his. Move in the direction of your own life.

Hi thanks Sandy for your reply,
The thing is we had at least 4 date days a month, my mum is real supportive and we were lucky to have basically no sleepless nights with any of them. They all slept through from being newborns 🙈 they’d go to bed at 6 (he finished work at 5) and we wouldn’t see them until the morning. We had a pretty alright relationship, every night we’d cuddle watch tv, a film, he cook me nice meals on the service it was great.
A month before we went away as a couple for 5 days, it was lovely. Then literally the day before he left we were about to book our anniversary break. I feel like a complete fool. He’d look himself at a really lovely hotel we went to in the Lakes for our first holiday and he was going to book it. The next day he upped and left. Men!
Of course we had some arguments but that happened in the last month or so when he was constantly on his phone. But I know why now.
He started a new job and they all seem to be the ‘dads’ that go out partying in fridays, football home/away Saturday, pubs on sundays and well I think at a while he thought that was ‘normal’. It’s sad really.
He was the one that wanted kids, I didn’t (yet) as I wanted to go travelling as a couple etc.
Our first was unplanned, our second very much planned but conceived instantly which was a shock cause I very much do not have an ordinary cycle, as in two a month!
The third wasn’t planned however, but he seemed happy enough, I didn’t want to find out the gender but he was too excited. The day he found out we were having another girl he took me out for a meal and posted it all over social media, he was excited. I was shitty it though 🤷🏼‍♀️
He did have depression though, and I don’t know if things with this OW made the guilt too much that he couldn’t tell me so ran. I only found out cause he came round smelling of cheap perfume, then he broke down and told me.
A few weeks after that he said I ‘would never trust him again’ and cried. About three months ago, and the last time I allowed him to talk about us he told me he still loved me.
My family loved him, I loved him, my friends were shocked, his mum was shocked. It was so out of character. But I guess that what depression does.
His depression came with his new job, when I was already pregnant but I guess he was busy comparing that free lifestyle and wanted it.
We’ve been friends for 11 years so known each other a long time before we had children and he’s never been like this. However, he stopped going to counselling for problems with his father (and mother but he’s too much of a mummy’s boy to see her role in it) so I don’t think that helped.
Though he did kiss someone else before this woman and spoke to two others, basically within a couple of months of leaving me for this one. So who knows what he was thinking.

Also I definitely agree Sandy, I could never have an affair with someone married let alone if their wife was pregnant! And she knew, he had her on fb, worked with her, and he was always posting pregnancy updates, scan pictures. She’d like them!

Do you have kids of your own TooSassy? I think he I was to get with someone with kids, I wouldn’t want to be classed as a ‘stepmum’ not because I don’t love them but because I think it would be out of respect for their mum.
You’re probably right Bananas, it’s quite difficult cause even after this we get on really well. We have a laugh, and when he’s round to see the baby, which isn’t often but when he does he’ll do extra things. If he sees something that needs doing in terms of DIY he’ll offer to do it. He’ll help himself to drinks like he still bloody lives here! He always wants to know who’s round but doesn’t ask now after I told him it’s none of his business. (I only have friends round but I wonder how he knows they’re round when I don’t have it on social media...). He made a comment about me looking hot not so long ago, saying he wished I made that much effort when we were together, he sat in when I went for a meal with a friend, I think he thought it a date and he found needless of things to moan about. I think we’re probably too close, maybe I should set some boundaries.
That being said I don’t have any feelings for him tonight cause his mum was downright awful to me and he didn’t tell her to back off, he has no bloody back bone.

Surface*

I agree with banana, there really isn't a defined stage when a partner becomes a step mum. If anything, I would say the best time is when the child sees her as such, not just because they love her but because they accept her place in their lives, positive or not.

Your situation is quite extreme and I command you for dealing with it so amazingly maturally. You don't have to do things in a certain way for them to be right, you have to do what works for you and your kids.

Personally, I would try to mettveith her as soon as you can face it if you can just because if it happens that she is a reasonable person, you might actually feel more comfortable knowing the impact she has on your children feeling that you like her as person (not the person who did what she did) or at least don't think she is likely to be a bad influence on them. You never know, she might actually listen to you and take on what you say.

Sadly, it might be a case of them falling madly in love with each other and believing they are 'the one' for eac other and one day you'll also meet someone who is 'your one' and you'll look back and thank destiny that you are not still with your ex.

I really hope for you that your ex and this woman will respect how hard you are working not to let your pain and hurt drive your decision in regards to your kids and that in return they will respect the fact that you remain the person with most of the responsibility and key role in the life of your kids.

on marriage for me, otherwise it’s daddy’s girlfriend or partner. However, that’s just my interepreataion, literally. I’ve only become a step mum this summer, but I think my level of involvement doesn’t change....it’s just a title...

ps OP, you sound amazing

Oh goodness OP, I went through much the same - ex left me just pregnant with our third. It is horrible and it certainly took me a long time to heal.

I think there is a balance between your own needs and those of your children and whilst it is amazing that you would even consider meeting this woman (I certainly would never have done that), don't do it because somehow you feel it is in your children's best interests. What is in your children's best interests is that you are able to get on with your life and be happy. Part of that will be mixed up in give and take with the ex (and they are usually more take than give, as you are finding out) and part of it is about finding your own way.

Do consider the idea that the ex wants to be 'friends' to keep some sort of eye on you. You may well find it's OK for him to have a new partner but when it comes to the reality of you moving on, it wont' be quite so OK. The closer he is to you, the harder it will be. I know of few couples who manage a genuine friendship post-divorce and where it has been attempted, it is usually at the behest of the stronger to keep a vested interest in the life of the weaker. In all honesty, the more space you can make the better, if my experience. Also be aware that statistically, his relationship is unlikely to go the long term which means there will likely be other women and whilst you might find a balance with this one, he will drop you like a hot stone when the next girlfriend thinks friendship isn't necessary. That leaves you - not him - with a gap in your life and a wondering just what went wrong. Make your own life.

I think it is possible to find a place where there is mutual respect but distance is a part of that. I am not sure you need to go down the route of days out together and certainly the children don't need to do things twice to keep parents happy. You will find your own activities and traditions at important times like Xmas, holidays and birthdays and there is no way these need to be repeated with the other parent. The other parent finds their own way too. And where twice might be inevitable - no child is going to object to two trips to Santa or two Easter Eggs or two birthday presents!

Oh come on. Plenty of people have depression and don't cheat. That's a pathetic excuse. He cheated on you, full stop. He's a shit.

"He made a comment about me looking hot not so long ago, saying he wished I made that much effort when we were together, he sat in when I went for a meal with a friend, I think he thought it a date and he found needless of things to moan about. I think we’re probably too close, maybe I should set some boundaries."

No shit Sherlock. Why on earth did you let him "sit in" when you had a meal out with a friend?!

I agree with banana, there really isn't a defined stage when a partner becomes a step mum. If anything, I would say the best time is when the child sees her as such, not just because they love her but because they accept her place in their lives, positive or not.

Well, this is how it went with my SD's. One day we picked the eldest (then 6) up from school, her friend came for a playdate, and SD introduced me as her Stepdad. We had NEVER used the word or referred to me as anything other than my name or mum's boyfriend. She then went "Oh, can I call you that?"
I guess I'd lived there about half a year at this point? But our plan had been to never enforce the word at all.

But OP - don't stress about what your kids call your ex's girlfriend. It's annoying and maybe hurtful but clearly you can't expect respect and sensitivity from your ex. You will always be the sun in your kid's little solar system, she can't threaten that :)

Haha thanks for your message anotheremma you do make me laugh.
It wasn’t even a date just a meal but it made sense for him to look after them then anyone else? I’d had the baby at this point so it made sense to give him this one on one time with her? It seemed pretty normal for us 🤷🏼‍♀️

Aww that’s lovely newlevels, you seem to love her by the way that message comes across and that’s great!

Ohreally it’s awful isn’t it! And when you expect it to be your last pregnancy so you want it to be special and the whole way through your crying or waiting for it to be over and 100% alone because for me he wasn’t one bit interested whilst she wasn’t in his eyes ‘real’ yet.

What you said about keeping an eye on me does make sense, our whole relationship was on his terms, I saw my friends when he wasn’t busy otherwise he’d ‘miss me’, I wouldn’t say he kept an eye on me in our relationship but he had the traits..,

I’ll keep the distant bit in mind, it was his suggestion though Christmas would be separate and he doesn’t do Easter so that’s mine every year. He’s pretty boring in that respect and doesn’t like chocolate either, so he’s said I can do all the Easter fun bits I like doing cause for him it just mans a day off work lol.

How are things with you now? Xxx

"It wasn’t even a date just a meal but it made sense for him to look after them then anyone else? I’d had the baby at this point so it made sense to give him this one on one time with her?"

Oh I must have misunderstood, for some reason I thought he went to the meal with you! But it sounds as if he looked after the children at home while you went out? Which makes a lot more sense

Thanks swingofthings,
I’m just doing what’s easiest for me. If getting on with him and his gf makes my life so much easier then i’ll do that. Looking after kids is so hard isn’t it without the added confrontation.
Also that’s a good perception to have, when the children see her as such... I think for now they see her as someone that is there, they don’t really have the capacity to understand it more than that at the moment. My eldest gets upset when I ask him what he did with daddy and [her name] not because he doesn’t like her, just think he’s confused. So maybe as they grow up they’ll understand more. I mean I can barely understand it 😅😅

The baby is already getting separation anxiety, I can’t get a baby anymore because within an hour i’ll get a phone call saying she won’t settle you’ll have to come back and then she’s fine. Same with popping her Moses basket, she can’t see me even though i’m Literally laying in the bed next to her. So meeting her, getting the baby to know her, and quite frankly my ex who hasn’t bothered to stop and spend time with her for two weeks would make it more easier on our baby when they start taking her out too. But my ex is in no rush for this so may contemplate having her round after Christmas.

I can’t get a baby anymore because within an hour i’ll get a phone call saying she won’t settle you’ll have to come back and then she’s fine

Stop running back. He'll manage. If it's an emergency he can dial 999.

He's trying to dampen your fun. Don't let him.

You have the kids all the time and he can't manage a couple of hours.

He wanted children for you to look after. Not to actually parent himself.

You know what..keep looking hot. Keep socialising... and he can see what he lost.

You’re probably right Bananas, it’s quite difficult cause even after this we get on really well. We have a laugh, and when he’s round to see the baby, which isn’t often but when he does he’ll do extra things. If he sees something that needs doing in terms of DIY he’ll offer to do it. He’ll help himself to drinks like he still bloody lives here!

Just be careful! He will not be over you either. This affects everything and will hold you to him. The gf will seem like competition then.

I was also left while pregnant with no 3
Tho it’s on him so to speak I can’t understand how someone can get into a relationship with a man who has a wife who is pregnant or newly delivered.

For me the simple and best answer is “when the child/children view her as such”. They might never, and that’s ok.

Some of the best blended family situations I’ve seen are were the new partners try to be additional,interested, responsible supportive, loving/caring adults in a child’s life, but don’t get caught up in role names. And some of the worst ones come from trying to force a child to accept an extra parent too quickly.

In the meantime, it’s up to the adults to all work together as best they can to meet the needs of the children, and help them flourish. No labels needed for that, except maybe “grown-up”.