My 14 year old SD refuses to visit us anymore and ignores my husbands calls and texts. She told me I’ve “ruined her relationship with her Dad, she hates me and I’m a childish horrible person” Help!

[Londonsally]

Hi, I’ve been married six years. My stepdaughter used to come over every other weekend. My husband moved into my flat and I made my SD really welcome with her own bedroom we decorated together etc etc

Everything was fine up until our son was born and there needed to be boundaries eg that she couldn’t carry him around the house when he was a few weeks old etc, that she couldn’t play alone with him when he was tiny etc etc. When I told her these things (nicely I have to add) she would go home and tell her mum her version of events so that my husband got a call basically saying that I was victimising my SD and that I quote “my SD is a free spirit and should be able to do what she wants”- genuine comment. She was nine almost ten years old.

Anyway this caused a lot of tension in our house as every time she would come over my husband would allow her to do what she wanted whereas I’d say if there was any ignoring of me or anything I thought wasn’t kind etc

So gradually over time it escalated until a few months ago my husband has said it’s his fault and that he should have given her boundaries... it is nothing I’ve done.

She cane over last week for the first time in months to tell me she hates me and I’ve ruined her relationship with her Dad. My husband calls her twice a week, invites her to do nice things but she hangs up or doesn’t respond to texts etc.

My husband feels miserable all the time and I can’t help but feel that my SD refusing to communicate with her Dad and come and spend time with us must be my fault. I think his family think that too.

Any advice? Thank you xx

I'd text her or send her a card saying you're sad she thinks this because you love her and you have such happy memories of (list a few great things you did together.) If she ever changes her mind you would be so happy to have her back home with you again. That any rules you made were general rules about the safety of a very young baby and no reflection on her because you know she is a loving and amazing sister to newborn.
Just leave it at that, so she can safely come back without fear of retaliation. She's only fourteen. Fourteen-year-olds are a mass of neurotic, narcissistic, fragile hormones. Poor sods.

I’ll try the card. The problem is that whenever I’ve said anything like “I’d prefer it if you didn’t take toys off my son (I’d use his name!) and I’d love it if you’d play with him...as soon as she gets home my dh gets a call from his ex saying I’ve been really nasty to SD... I have no right telling her what to do” etc etc. Feel like I can’t win!

as soon as she gets home my dh gets a call from his ex saying I’ve been really nasty to SD... I have no right telling her what to do” etc etc. Feel like I can’t win!

That's your issue right there!!! Why is your husband engaging with the ex and passing it on to you? What's happening is SD is playing you against each other OR ger mother is meddling. Your DH should tell his daughter and his ex(if necessary) that you absolutely have a right in telling her what to do while she is in your care. It's that simple. As a wife of SDs dad and a mother of her sibling you have every right, even a responsibility. It's up to your DH to make it clear what the rules are and if it means SD will strop for few months because she is not getting her own way so be it. If he has been a good dad to her she will be back..

Yes absolutely. I think he’s confused her as for the first year maybe more he pretended not to see any issues. In the last six months he’s now telling her he should have done and undoing so he told her it’s his fault and his neglected her. Mid conversation she said “no she’s my stepmom so she should have been giving me boundaries”. The drama is so stressful!

My DSD was older when I had my son, 16, but it did cause tension too. I don’t know if this is relevant but she was getting a bit bossy, as teenagers can in an you can’t tell me what to do way. It ended up with her vying to parent my baby in a really uncomfortable way.

It also escalated with DSD being given way too much weight on her wanting to ‘parent’ also with her Ex being only too pleased to take this up as an ‘horrible SM isn’t treating my daughter like an adult’ argument. DP gave me grief. Nuts! Honestly...

It caused quite a few arguments with my DP, who was giving into his daughter over me, and basically compromising the safety of our baby! Nuts again really. There’s a real silly guilt response from Dads and their growing daughters.

I responded in the end by saying to hell with this drama, don’t care what DSD or DP or Ex think, respond or feel, my baby needs safety, peace and a secure attachment with ME.

So I would advocate that really. Step back from this drama and just create a great family home. This is their (mostly your DPs) mess. They can sort it out, or not. Whatever. They can choose to get over it and join you in a more pleasant family atmosphere. Your DSD can be welcomed into it, when she’s ready to accept it. You can’t force it. And in no way should you be guilted into concessions.

Be a strong, calm, person but keep your home drama free.

Love your advice Banana thank you x