DSS is adamant he wants nothing to do with us.

[justanotherunhappysoul]

DSS 11, been with DH 10 years. Had pretty steady uninterrupted access since DSS was a baby. All of a sudden DSS has got very angry with DH and is adamant that he wants nothing more to do with DH or myself.
He lists the following reasons -

1. He feels abandoned by DH, he split with his mum when they were expecting. (DH is DSS's biggest cheerleader, always wanting more access, taking him to sports etc, pays maintenance and helps out more when needed. Supported DSS's mum 100% for 5 years so she could SAHM while DSS was little) so yes understand why he would feel like that but DH not an absent father.
2. He doesn't feel he gets time alone with his dad so is angry with me, he feels I get in the way of his time with dad (typical weekend, dH picks him up from school, I get home around 6/7, eat dinner/watch movie all together, or go out to eat, Saturday boys go to footie, I don't always go, sometimes stay home to catch up, afternoon generally family activity like bowling/movies, or dinner out. Boys stay up watching footie, I go to bed) so I think he gets lots of 1 on 1 time, but maybe I'm wrong.
3. He thinks we are unhappy and argue all the time. (He has witnessed one brief spat over picnic food, 4 weeks ago which was quickly resolved by kissing and making up. We were both tired and stressed) so I'm not sure where this comes from.

He has gone from a loving, relaxed boy who loved being with us. This has happened over a 4 week period, crying when with us begging his mum to collect him. To now refusal to see us. DH went to meet him and those were his reasons. What do we do now? Any experience?

Oh, OP, hugs to you.

It sounds like you have been doing an amazing job so far and it must feel so confusing and sad to have a big 180 flip happen like this.

As PPs have been saying, it could be a hormonal thing, or could be that something's had him look at his life story through a different set of lenses (might be the spat at the picnic, might be something totally innocuous).

Either way, he's riding a bit of an emotional rollercoaster right now and while he's on it, the best thing you can do is be a super-boring, reliable, predictable, loving anchor.

Don't ramp up anything with grand gestures to try and 'win' him back, don't disappear, don't feed the drama, just be the same-old loving dad and stepmum he's always had. Lots of space and opportunity to talk, lots of room to be angry until he works through it, and lots of boring old routine and love. Keep showing up for contact, if he doesn't want to come out that's fine, but Dad's outside in the car ready to pick him up either way. Plans to go to sports at the weekend are maintained, etc etc. All totally business as usual, and buckets of love whenever he shows up to receive it.

His mum, unfortunately, doesn't sound like she's doing anyone any favours, but your DSS will see that in time too.

I don’t think you should dismiss the child’s viewpoint, nor should your DP. It could have been a ‘mutual split’ however really what woman wants to go through pregnancy and bringing up a baby on her own? Ideally it would be with the strength and support we loved enough to do something as huge as get pregnant on the first place. I think that the likelihood is that your DP let her down, by not being a good partner / Dad at the time she / the baby most needed it.

I know that you are going to be defensive about that, but I really, really hope that your DP does a little soul searching here. Give him the space to admit that he did let his son down. It doesn’t mean he has to take 100% of the blame, but he is at the very least, a part of the reason his son did not have his Dad bringing him up in an intact family unit. It’s understandable that his son is angry. No child wants their parents split up.

I think if your DP showed his son that there is validity in his sons anger, their relationship will really improve. From there they can build.

Sorry type fail...
strength and support of a partner

Totally agree with isadora
In hearing him and acknowledging that this IS his version of his reality instead of getting bogged down in trying to show him he is wrong- and being defensive (sorry, but you are) then you will both have a chance of keeping this relationship with what sounds like a mature and switched on young man.

Could dad contact school to let them know wats going on. Maybe they could give him chance to talk it out if they have a mentor.

@Bananasinpyjamas11 my husband and his ex conceived after a one night stand. They both agreed to keep the baby but certainly his ex didn't feel "let down" by him as it certainly was a mutual decision. It may not be your experience but you seem to have jumped to massive conclusions.

@unihorn true I don’t know whether it was a one night stand. However OP did say that they split in pregnancy, mutually.

If I was a child who’s parents had split in pregnancy I think I would have some emotions to process over this and some anger too. The boy needs to be able to be allowed to do this I feel. He can then ask questions and over time, process what his relationships mean. The stability of his world is a bit shaky. Understandable. This is reflected in him being upset by an argument between SM and DP. He doesn’t know whether DP will just leave SM in the same way. He needs to be listened to.

He has witnessed big rows at his mums, now NC with her parents and a separation from a partner which resulted in a court order.

I think this is quite likely the root cause. He heard your disagreement and blown it up to think the same thing is going to happen.

It's a tough one.

Yes I probably am being defensive, but surely everyone would defend the person they love most in the world.
I have been there watched my DH parent and been part of his upbringing too. We've always worked as a great collective unit, showing DSS that yes we might not be a typical family unit, but we respect everyone and ultimately want the best for him.
DH is extremely supportive, loving, affection, encouraging. Provides well for his DSS not only here but at his mums. Enables them to live well and be educated privately. I understand that money isn't everything, but DSS wants for nothing and when his mother got herself into mess which meant she was in danger of no longer being able to afford a roof over their head. DH was able to help out. Unfortunately his DM has had a tough run recently and is really taking this behaviour out on DH, wearing him down with a torrent of abuse daily. And it's heart breaking to see the relationship he's worked harder than most to nurture fall apart and be destroyed by what is ultimately a very bitter woman.

If Ex is very bitter, I think all the more reason then to get your DP not to be defensive with his son.

You can prop up your DP, but your DP has to prop up his son and believe in him. To listen to him without judgement. He’s only 11, it’s crucial if there is instability in his life, that your DP is there for him. His son won’t turn his back long term if your DP admitted that it’s hard for his son and his mother. And then calmly but consistently kept in touch, kept inviting him, reassured his son he’s always there. He will come round.

Could it be that he is actually very attached to you and he is scared his dad could leave you after what might have been a short but nasty row if words exchangecwere bad. Maybe his mum said that he used to say similar things to her hence separating and he thinks you'll do the same. He is angry with his dad because of it and upset with you because he thinks you'll end up leaving him.

What was actually say during the arguments? You might throw words at each other in anger that you don't mean but he might take them all seriously. He's decided that instead of waiting for this to happen, he is removing himself first as easier to cope with.

What is mum is saying, from what she heard from him, is very telling.

@swingofthings
Can you explain this ? What is mum is saying, from what she heard from him, is very telling.

I'm going by what OP said in the first page that mum is saying OP and her OH are constantly at each others throat and she's drawn that conclusion from what DSS is telling her.

So clearly that's how he is interpreting things, which seems disproptionate from what OP which could indicate a genuine fear that they could separate.