Shall I try again or just run away while I can?

[NotSureThisIsWhatIWant]

First of all, I would like to say I’m not new to the step parenting scene. I’m not so young so have been through this twice already one in my 30s and another one in my early 40s.

First time, exp1 and I had very similar parenting styles, we progressed into family weekends quite easily, I adored his children and I know well he cared for mine deeply. It is years since we ended, the things I missed the most were his kids. Kids and I still make a big fuss of each other when we meet.

Second time around was completely different, exp2 was absolutely terrified of upsetting his kid. It wasn’t that the kid disliked us, far from it but by the time the relationship ended 4 years later, our weekends with his 8 year old kid resembled a never endless game of “Simon says” where we all did exactly as the kid demanded to avoid explosive tantrums that ocurred between 6-8 times a day. No turn taking between the kids, his always came first and the implicit rule was, whatever he wants, you and your child do.

I ended the relationship because I was tired of walking on eggshells all the fucking time, without exp2 doing nothing to improve the behaviour other than giving him whatever he was having the tantrum about.

It has been 5 years since then and I have been seeing this new guy for six months. It is going well, I really like him and enjoy his company very much, he feels the same so we got to the point of introducing our kids...

I didn’t realise how traumatised I was left from my previous step parenting experience... He invited my son and I for dinner at his house. I drove 17 miles to his house just to be told to turn around and go back home a couple of blocks away as his child had been having a mega tantrum during the day.

Nothing personal... he didn’t know who I was, and I have heard of at least another occasion when a day long tantrum prevented my boyfriend meeting with his friends who incidentally were also driving a good distance to see him.

Shall I run? Mind you, I love the dad but I find the idea of another 4 years walking on egg shells very draining and I have not even meet the kid.

The boy didn’t know about me. He told them there were some friends coming. It is not the first time he throws such tantrum to cancel his dad’s plans. He was going to meet one of his university friends and kids a month ago and he had to cancel because his child wouldn’t hear of it.

It is a pity really, I really like him but I don’t want that kind of life.

Wow you have had a lot of experience!

I guess you can run. If you really rate this guy, it might be worth hanging around a couple more months, and exploring really how he is as a parent? Ask him some probing questions and go for a second meet up?

The more you post OP the more I think run for the hills!

As @HeckyPeck says it does seem that the back story points to this being overly tricky. I really don't get why he covered up who you were. His son is 12 and not daft sort of thing. Sounds at best very confused - if not just down right misbehaving - but you are right to question whether the adults in his life are prepared to tackle this. It has already impacted on you once.

He was not “covering up” who I was. We both share the idea that you don’t sit your children and tell them this is “xyz my boyfriend/girlfriend, no need to add that degree of drama and formality to start with”. You wait until you think the relationship is one to keep in the long term and then you introduce kids to new person as “friends” just to give everyone the chance to develop a relationship in a more neutral

If the children and new man/woman get along well for a while, then is when you tell them you are together (if they don’t you cut your loses and the friend will be just “that friend we don’t see much of lately” or “that guy my mum liked” if they are a bit clued up. Less drama for everyone involved.