Not a regular family type but with a regular step parenting issue

[Silverlining11]

[PLEASE FORGIVE ME FOR THE LONG POST]

My gf and I have been in a live-in for last few years. We are a lesbian couple with good corporate jobs. Earlier we shared a rented apartment. But for past 1.5 year we have been living in my flat which my mom has given to me. My gf's daughter (from her previous marriage) has also always been living with us. When I met my gf, her "brat" daughter was 7 and now she's 12. Her daughter and I share a bitter sweet relationship. Probably tolerating each other coz we both love the same woman. My gf is really big on the term "family" coz she's never had that regular family environment so she says it's a big thing for her to have everything so perfect in life. I agree with most of it except I am not too thrilled about the daughter part in the "family". Now before you judge me as evil, hear me out:

Apart from the fact that I am not too fond of the brat daughter (I try very hard to stay neutral!), the tussell between me and her daughter usually remains around two topics:

1. If cleanliness and hygiene is ignored
2. If she misbehaves with her mother / something she does that stresses my gf out (it works me up and instinctually I feel like she needs to be reminded to stay in her pants or behave or be more responsible after all her mother does for her!)

The daughter is turning into a brat with each passing day - replies back, argues on almost anything that she's told "No" for. At times when my gf is going on and on about "family", I admit I cringe a little inside about the fact that why can't it be just the two of us minus the daughter.

If after getting frustrated myself at times, I tell my gf that her daughter is quite irresponsible for her age and has to be reminded about every minor chore like making her bed etc She would get so defensive and always picks out the "one" thing I tend to screw up on....i.e. bringing the weekly vegetables on time. That's like comparing my one mistake against the million that her daughter makes.

If I m not happy about her 12 year old daughter not taking shower or caring about hygiene, she can easily resort to body shaming me or basically it just boils down to how I forgot to do some chore in the past or probably didn't take shower on a Saturday or didn't brush until 10 am......like it just has to come down to me when it comes to us fighting over her daughter. My gf and her daughter can basically do no wrong. We don't fight often but when we do it gets mean. Especially from her end.

Phew! There is a part of me that does love my gf a lot but lately I have started to get this uncertain feeling in my head. It could be only coz of the level of our fights, not sure.

It's our anniversary in few days. I felt it's time I propose to her on this milestone year and I decided to also involve her daughter in the planning, but then I backed off a little because the daughter can be kinda overbearing and starts to get too involved trying to hijack the whole plan.

I ordered the ring but I am not sure. Honestly, I feel much better when the daughter is away and my gf doesn't talk about her.

Anyway I have one more week to decide whether I should propose or let it be. I am starting to question whether it's love or just need that we are still together.

Your thoughts will really help provide me with some clarity I think.

1. what do you think of this entire scenario?
2. do you think I am wrong here?
3. Do you think I should propose?

Post edited by MNHQ at OP's request

You described a normal 12 yr old. Not a brat.

Idk how you have made it this far into the relationship without establishing a relationship with your partner's child.

As for the dd taking over the proposal....Surely as a step parent you'd be delighted she was so enthusiastic?

Find a woman who doesn't have a child . You call her a brat and obviously wish she didn't exist.

This isn't the relationship for you.

It’s vvvvvvvvvv hard being a step-parent, please don’t be so hard on yourself, and ignore vicious posters here! It comes down to whether you can put up with SD and love her mum enough to do so, only you know! If you’re really unhappy, talk to your partner about spending less time (ie you spending less time) with your SD allowing your partner more quality time with her daughter.

I am only just learning to disengage- my DH loves the romanticism of family too but I can’t always hack playing happy families as SD is a handful and neither DH nor her BM disciplines well and I have now stopped being the bad guy and left them to it a bit. Sounds like your partner might not be up for that but she’s gotta compromise a bit too xx good luck xx

^utter bollocks.

Being a step parent is hard, yes. And it’s a choice. You never ever ever take it out on the children. If you get to the point you hate and resent them you walk, you don’t fucking propose and plan to hang around being vile about a 12 year old.

I have huge sympathy for step parents who take responsibility for their choices and try their best to do a good job of it. I have no sympathy for the OP who has been honest about wishing her partner’s child would disappear and calls her “the brat”. That’s just nasty and deeply unpleasant to read.

Lol ^ ignore vicious posters here, OP

You don't sound mature enough to be a step parent. You need to have a relationship with someone childless.

You don’t sound much older than 12 yourself.

Don’t propose, leave. Her behaviour sounds totally normal- you sound jealous of a child. You are not a good influence on this child.

Are you coming back OP?

Nothing like a “lol” to elevate the debate

When you’re the only poster backing an OP who speaks about a child the way she’s done, take a look at yourself instead of flailing around at me. I’m a step parent who hasn’t had to “disengage” and has a very happy family so I don’t have any reason to be vicious. I’m reacting in a normal way to someone who should sod off out of this woman and her child’s life. I hate the idea of anyone thinking of my DSC as horrible brats and if I found myself doing it that last thing I’d be doing is attempting to make the relationship permanent.

I don’t think that this is working out. There’s a lot of tension and your post does seem to have no compassion for your DSD and her development.

Believe me I had a terrible time with my DSD in teenagehood, but I did respect where she was coming from and did not get into mean arguments or be always on her case.