Step daughter and fiancé.

[CathyTre]

Hi - I’m not sure how to deal with issues that have come up with my partner’s daughter, who is lovely and I’m terribly fond of her... but!

My partner is a widower and his wife was killed in a road traffic incident when his children were eight and nearly twelve.

They are now 15 and 19 and very lovely kids. (Youngest girl, eldest boy).

I am separated from my children’s father after he started an affair with a work colleague and left me for her when my youngest child was 9 months old. My children are 18, 6 and two and a half.

All was going well, I had (I thought) a lovely relationship with my step daughter to be and we all got on really well - until her father asked me to marry him.

Now she is NOT happy. He has sold their former family home after several years and we were looking at houses that all of us could live in. Now, she doesn’t want me or my children to move in, she wants it to be hers and his house, and it’s ok if we’re dating but she doesn’t want us to get married either.

He has said we will still get married but we have to postpone the wedding we had booked for next summer until she is happy - even if that is when she is an adult. The house he is buying IS the one we looked at that is suitable for all of us - but it will just be him and her permanently living there (her brother is at uni) until she says it’s ok for me and my children to move in.

My eldest son and his son have developed a good relationship and go out together occasionally these days as they are almost exactly a year apart in age and neither are remotely bothered about my relationship with my partner. My small children very much like him - as they do their step mother (the other woman so if I’m honest I dislike her on principle but she seems very nice to my children).

I don’t know what I’m asking really - but the goal posts have shifted from where we were and I feel a bit unhappy about the situation.

We’re going on holiday tomorrow with the older children whilst my small children are away with my ex. I know his daughter and I will get on well as she’s lovely and I really like her and she SEEMS to still like me and want to spend time with me - but I will confess I fell a little bit resentful 🙁

I think it's really stupid to allow a fifteen year old to decide if you and her father can get married. Will she decide when:if you have another child??? She should not have to give her permission.

I had a similar situation Cathy - DP and I had been looking at houses, talking about marriage etc and then his 13 yo DD cried at the thought of moving house and it was all off. House, marriage, all just back to business as usual.

He then mentioned buying this (large) house in a joint venture with his brother and it was like a kick in the teeth. The idea that the dream that had been ‘our’ future might now go ahead without me. I have to say, I backed off a bit at that point and we actually split for a while because he’d made it clear how low down his list of priorities our relationship was to him.

We’ve since rekindled things and discussed it again, but I’m obviously wary. I won’t move in with his DCs full time any more. I don’t think it’s the best thing for any of us tbh, but we may try and find a middle ground, maybe a place for us to share when he’s with me, and one for him when he’s with his DCs, so we can get married and I can have that security of a committed partner, even if only part time. It’s not ideal, but we have to make do don’t we.

I actually think it’s putting her in a shitty position. She’s still a child yet is being given responsibility for a very much adult decision.

I would be seriously rethinking the relationship if I were you OP.

If she gets to decide this, if she ever allows you to get married she’ll think she’s in charge because she’s unfairly been given far too much responsibility. That’s not a healthy place for a child to be in.

She’s also likely to live with a lot of guilt as a result.

Just a quick update now we’re back. The holiday was fantastic; we all had a great time and got on really well. We didn’t talk about any of this, just had a great time and the times that my partner and I went off and did things without the kids were really good too. Thanks for all the advice - going to see how things develop but I do feel more optimistic now somehow.

I am in a somewhat similar situation - my DP was divorced 3.5 years ago with DC resident with him. His ex seemed to have a DP instantly and we have been together 2.5 years. He asked me to marry him a few months ago but is worried about the reaction of his DD (who’s a bit older than yr DSD) so his family don’t know yet. I’m not pressuring him to tell them but am also getting a bit worried about likely reactions - more so the more he delays telling them. I thought maybe his DPs might think me a gold digger (though there is no gold and I have my own career and income). I could wish we weren’t engaged as we were fine before! We wouldn’t marry/move in together till DD leaves home. But we are quite a lot older so it feels a bit like time running out!

I hope I don’t come across as judgemental, but I think 18 months together and married and 2 and a half years might be a bit much for his kids. I’m sure it’ll happen eventually, but if it’s working and you love each other, waiting seems best.

My mum and step dad got engaged at 2 years. There was no bereavement, but still 5 teenage kids who might not all be comfortable with their parent marrying someone who wasn’t their other parent. They planned straight away that it would be a 5 year (at least) engagement and moving everyone in together wouldn’t be instant as soon as they got engaged. I honestly think it helped. Your parent being married to someone else is very different to being in a relationship with someone else. On the wedding day all those years later, my step sister was still a little upset, despite the fact that her parents didn’t even talk at this point and the fact that she always gets on really well with my mum. I can imagine it would have been so much harder at that age if one of us had lost a parent.

Time will help, as will maturity. She’ll need longer to get used to the idea, and by the time she does, she’ll be closer to adulthood and more understanding. It must be frustrating for you, but it sounds like you’ll make a great family eventually so it’ll be worth waiting.

The difference between divorce and widowed is huge for this situation. Her parents were still in love when one of them was suddenly gone. It's not like they fell out of love, I think she probably thinks her father should respect the vow and love to her mother as they both never fell out of love. If that makes sense?

And I agree with pp, 18months is not long at all in this situation. Delay until after her GCSEs at least.

look up spousification.

She is his child - not his partner and however sad it is that her mother died - he has the right to move forward and not have his 15 year old dictate his life choices.

There are huge advantages in waiting, 5 children in one house is a lot, why not wait until his children have left home.
It might also help to reassure his daughter her inheritance won’t be effected

This makes me feel really uneasy, he’s going ahead with buying the house but you are not to move in and marry until she says so?

Please stop your DP from doing this it’s a huge mistake. He is giving his DD the status of an equal and she will feel more resentful when you move in, not less, as she’ll have had all the power and been queen of the house into her adult years.

This would be a deal breaker for me. At least haul him to counseling or somewhere where your DP is confronted by you with the terrible mistake he’s making.

Although I’ve just seen you are only 18 months together?

That makes a big difference. I don’t think either of you should be marrying yet in that case, if she’s 15 I’d give her a chance to have another two years or more without you moving in together. But you as adults need to do that to protect them, not to have rushed ahead and let DSD revolt. It’s natural for her to feel that this is rushed because it is.

This is such a sad situation for everyone.

But can you spend a couple of hours, just you and her and honestly talk to her about everything?

Explain that you know she misses her mum, that you aren't trying to replace her and never would but you want to be another adult for her. Tell her that you know she is scared about all the changes, that you know she is worried her dad will love her less or won't have enough time for her. Tell her that won't change, he will still love her, his only daughter, that he will always have time for her. Explain that your children adore her and want to live with her. Tell her that you want to be able to share in the chores of raising a blended family with her dad and there will be more love to go around, not less.

You could put it all down in a letter instead if that's easier.