Arghhh what to do?!?

[Minesalargeginplease]

Hello all, not sure if I'm looking for advice or to vent really. Been with my hubby 6 years, he has a son from a previous relationship and we have a child together. I have always been close to SS but recently things have got messy. Myself and my hubby went out after bedtime but let the kids stay up to play with my friend while babysitting, when SS messaged his mum saying he was being treated like rubbish as my pre schooler had a programme she liked on. This resulted in the ex wife sending abusive texts to my hubby which quickly escalated to her abusing me! Silly f@t bi@ch wife. So I lost my cool and went to hers to question what I had done to deserve that as I have always treated SS equally to my child. This resulted in her calling my child ugly and explaining that she could have my hubby if she wanted. This is very strange to me as they were long split when I met him but when I started questioning she upped the attack screaming me down for stopping her son walking in our bedroom in the night which I think is perfectly acceptable as he is 9 and there are things he shouldn't see. She attempted to absolutely ruin me and clearly cause an impact to my relationship but that hasn't worked as I see her as a childish, jealous and petty woman but now I feel awkward with my SS. I don't want to have anything to do with him as he is running to his mum when he doesn't get his own way and his mum even said my daughter should be my hubby/her dad's last priority when her son is there which is insane! I'm going to take my daughter away this weekend to stay out of SS's way but hubby is mad but I don't want to walk in to that situation again as I'm extremely surprised I didn't lose my cool with the women when she called my child ugly! I feel like I should stay away from my house when SS is there and we have joint custody and a pre schooler, what the hell should I do?

I feel for you so badly. Being a step parent is never easy!!
I think it's perfectly natural to want answers if someone had been abusive for no obvious reason but it does say far more about her character than yours! I agree a dignified silence is far better for all of you (you partner and the kids) as hard as it is at times. The only person it'll wind up and upset is you.
I know it's extremely difficult to isolate the fact of his mother's behaviour from your ss especially as it was an action of his that seemingly caused the problem but as much as I hate this saying kids will be kids and especially at that age do tend to try and play parents off against one another. Even within the same household!
It already sounds like you have a fantastic relationship with your ss and I'd say as hard as it is maybe a little quality time just the 2 of you might be a good way forward. Make sure he realises that you understand it's difficult having parents in different houses but he can always rely on you. I know my son of the same age is a real people pleaser and often says what he thinks I want to hear to me and something completely different to his dad. Thankfully me and his dad know that this is just what they do and unless it's something that is a genuine concern we take it with a pinch of salt and discuss if we are worried. (It hasn't always been that easy)
I empathise so much with the nightmare ex as my OH's baby's mum is an absolute nightmare including being very in with his family who we now have nothing to do with as a result!! We honestly have found that just ignoring her has been the best thing for everyone and making sure DSD is loved and cherished when with us just works best all round.

Thank you very much for the support. It's hard being a step parent as you have to keep some distance out of respect.

I'm sorry you had to lose your relationship with family due to an ex, that is so very sad for everyone involved x

We, as a family, have 2 children and they are and will be treated equally and I feel the mother is a disgrace to think they shouldn't

Just keep doing as you’re doing. It annoys me when people say the children should all be treated equally but then in their next breath think certain children should have special treatment. They’re either equal or they’re not. And like I said earlier on in the thread, children don’t choose to have the family set ups that’s they are in which includes the children from the “new” relationship.

So what happened that upset him so much that he felt he had to call his mum rather than speak to your friend and would have got the mum totally losing her rag?

I'm not sure really, he's quite emotional at times and probably just wanted to tell his mum which is normal for most children. There's been tension since my husband called social services for an incident at their house and his mum has told him that his dad should give him all the attention, so maybe that caused it.

FFS. It’s really not difficult. There is a huge difference bewteen expecting a non-resident child to have the whole weekend dedicated to them and having some sensitivity to having less time with dad and making space for parent and child to spend some time together.

Equality has never been about treating people the same.

And they do 3 times a week without me or my daughter

There is a huge difference bewteen expecting a non-resident child to have the whole weekend dedicated to them and having some sensitivity to having less time with dad and making space for parent and child to spend some time together

The mum was a bit extreme in her demand as she wants her son to be priority when he’s with his dad. You did seem to agree with this.
I’m all for children having one on one time with parents if it’s doable, but I don’t think certain children are more of a priority over others in any family. Like I said when parents are working all week and it just leaves weekends free for family time, it’s a bit off to then make one child a priority.
The mum is being massively unreasonable in my opinion.

Firstly your partner shouldn't have to exclude your child together when his son comes to visit they need to be treated equally when they are together. Otherwise your child will grow up resenting her brother coming to visit because she knows daddy will pay her no attention. My partner did this one weekend when his kids came down and the eldest resident child got so upset and wondered why daddy hated him.

Secondly the ex wife is being unreasonable and I think she is hung your stepson to get to you, and you retaliating will give her the fuel to do it more. Trust me been there and now I simply don't respond and it winds her up even more.

If he had to call social services and they took it seriously something is obviously wrong and she is is probably now worrying and freaking out and instead of taking it out on your partner, maybe fear he won't pay her or see his child, she is taking it out on you.

Make extra effort with your step son maybe organise a afternoon out just the two of you, whatever he fancies doing and spoil him a little. That will guarantee to wind the ex up when he goes home plus he will see you are trying even when the mother is bad mouthing.

Your not wrong for asking your stepson to not come in as he is getting to that age now where he needs to start learning respect for women etc.
Unfortunately they don't always get better however I see it as we only have to deal with the ex wife X amount of pick ups and drop off the rest of the week is ours.

Thank you x

So I thought I'd try to comply a little and take my dd to my parents on Sunday so dss and dad could have some quality time, just to see how it went. Both kids mentioned each other when separated in a positive way, "wish ... was here" or "... would like this" so I figure the kids want to be together. We don't refer to them as half siblings, just siblings and even when things are difficult they adore each other and defend each other when getting told off lol. I think I was more than fair and we have now been faced with dss going to maternal grandfather's during our usual access and told once he is back he will be on holiday for 10 days. DH is obviously upset but asked SS his preference and he wanted to go, we both feel children should have a say so we won't see him for over 2 weeks, no prior warning or time to arrange additional visits. I think this is power play because I did what she wanted and took my dd away from her dad so SS could have devoted time. I think a lot of it is power play because when things were civil she told me she always planned to get back with DH but after she had left (and was with another man) DH met me and everything changed. Maybe this is all a way to punish my DH for having a life after her but dragging her son through a game and calling my pre-schooler names does not do that, just makes her an idiot. I showed DSS messages from her after she basically said I had upset her because I'm sick of being cast as the evil step mother. I've always fully included DSS and actively encouraged (won't do any more) my DH to be civil with his ex so we could all attend events to support SS, celebrate birthdays etc which did not happen before me. It's all a bloody massive mess, my only concern is both children but I will not have my DD feeling less important than anyone anymore. They are equally important to my DH and both extremely important to me, only difference is I created one of them so can be a bit of a mama bear. I think step parents are often blamed for failed marriages in general when more often than not, imo, we're nothing to do with the marriage breakdown. It's hard to be a step parent, a second wife, we bear the brunt of the angst created well before we existed.