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Did having a baby help you to feel like you fit in the family?

44 replies

superlol · 19/07/2018 20:15

I have been married for 2 years now and with my Dh for several. He has children from a previous marriage. (Not that it's relevant but to save the hassle, no I was not the ow and met Dh after they were divorced, she left him etc).
I think as a lot of women do in this situation, I feel like an outsider and when the kids are round I feel that I lose my place. It makes me upset and uneasy. I don't really know how to act or what to do with myself. Its like I can't relax like I normally would in my house. I feel like the imposter in my own home and that I get in the way.
I was wondering if having a baby with Dh would help me to find my place more? I would like a baby but not if me and my child will feel this way and of less importance than his existing children.
I'm torn really about whether to leave or make this life changing decision. What do you think?

OP posts:
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superlol · 21/07/2018 11:07

I'm not suggesting that having a baby would make my life 'easier', just that it may make me feel more like I fit in the family.

We can afford it so money's not the problem. It's just we went for the smaller house in a nicer area instead of the bigger house in the less nice place. The way some people talk on here is like step mums should never have children of their own.

Also I thought bouncers were bad for babies.

OP posts:
funinthesun18 · 21/07/2018 12:47

Yeah I suppose I do really because my children love me unconditionally and I love them the same, so no matter what happens with anyone else e.g. my partner and dsc, I’ll always have that close bond with my children. I don’t necessarily “need” my partner and dsc to feel like I belong in a family IYSWIM- my children make that for me. Before DC1 came along I didn’t feel like we were a family, I just felt like I had a boyfriend.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 21/07/2018 12:58

Also I thought bouncers were bad for babies

You might be thinking of those jumperoo things? They are bad for babies. I meant bouncer like the chair. Absolute life saver if your newborn has reflux for the first for months. 😬

www.babybjorn.co.uk/baby-bouncers/bouncer-balance-soft/

No one is saying step parents shouldn’t have their own babies. It’s just wise to wait until the environment is welcoming for a baby.

SandyY2K · 21/07/2018 17:35

So there's room for another table that you sit on .....but no room for a bigger table?

In which case would 2 sittings be an option?

Either way I would talk to you DH about how you feel.

I echo that babies and their stuff take a lot of space and it's going to be a pain in the rear to keep folding down a high chair.

Do you actually want a baby?

superlol · 21/07/2018 18:06

It's not another table like a kitchen table. It's a bar table thing, but v small. What do you mean by two sittings?

I know babies and their stuff take a lot of space. Obviously I know that kids take up space, having the kids here has shown me that. I'm sure many people have babies in small houses, it's hardly a preposterous idea. The kids are not here 24/7 either like my child would be, so there is more space when they are not here. We may not stay in this house forever.

Yes I do want a baby and having to fold down a high chair (whilst annoying) would not be enough to stop me having one.

OP posts:
WhiteCat1704 · 21/07/2018 18:29

OP...as a step mother to one DSD and a mother to a young child..don't do it..if your DP is happy for you to sit on your own when his children are in..if he doesn't ask them to move so you can join in on the sofa etc. just don't...
Babies can be UNBELIEVABLY hard work..mine didn't sleep for 2years and I almost divorced DH..and it's not uncommon for sleep deprivation to be that long..it HARD but when you have wierd dynamic with SC there, jealous ex and clueless DH(and yours is if you don't even eat together) it's 100x HARDER..

Find somebody without children and then have a baby..

PS. drop leaf dinning table

flamingofridays · 21/07/2018 18:32

Nope I still feel just as left out sometimes and dss actually lives here. Now it's dp, dss and ds, then me by myself! Most of the time though it's fine.

SandyY2K · 21/07/2018 18:40

By 2 sittings I mean the kids eat together first, then you and your DH eat together. That means noone eats alone...otherwise you might as well not be there.

If you want a baby, then obviously go ahead...but not as a means to feel part of the family.

They could still make you feel like an outsider. Best to try and resolve that and make uour feelings known to your H. If he loves you and cares for you...he'll not want you feeling that way.

You do come across as really defensive to people who are just trying to help you here.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 21/07/2018 19:07

Honestly? I’d find someone without kids.

I’d do this if I had my time again, even if they felt less of a good match.

You have been married two years so it probably feels hard to extricate yourself. However there are enough signs to be concerned that you’ll have a much harder time than if he didn’t have kids.

I had a baby with my DP, it did change many things for the better, however if anything the jealousy from his Ex ramped up after a while, which impacted the kids and I felt like there was constant competition.

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 21/07/2018 19:10

I also echo other posters and say tackle all this nonsense with sofa and tables now. It’ll be a real eye opener to see if your DH cares enough to include you.

LooseThread · 21/07/2018 19:20

Women who are jealous of their step children should never be in a relationship with a dad. It’s damaging for all involved

I absolutely agree with this. What stands out in your OP is that your focus is on how having a baby would make you feel. It doesn't mention the impact on the baby of being brought up in this unhealthy situation that already sounds like a breeding ground of resentment. Nor does it consider the impact on the existing children. These things should be your priorities and since they clearly aren't, there's no way you should be having a child.

Notonthestairs · 21/07/2018 19:27

FWIW I don't think the Op sounds jealous but quite pushed out of her home environment. The table and sofa thing is important because it reiterates your place as being outside of the group. Please get an extendable table and an arm chair. Can you take a child out alone - maybe just to do a simple chore that you need "help" with (they can help you choose dinner for example) or they can join in with the cooking. Your DH absolutely should be suggesting and helping you with this - it's not a good sign if he's not looking to support your ongoing relationship with them as individuals.

I think I'd spend time improving these areas before having a baby. And once again your DH should be facilitating this - not helping you feel secondary.

BertieBotts · 21/07/2018 20:09

I don't think it sounds like an ideal set up at the moment. You shouldn't feel pushed out of things like mealtimes and family games. It shouldn't be DH + kids vs you. He shouldn't be abandoning all other adult responsibilities while they are visiting. This is likely to create issues if/when you bring another child into the mix.

It is relevant to ask things like how mealtimes will work once the baby is there - babies don't sit in highchairs forever so eventually there will be five (or more) of you to fit around a table or fit into an eating situation, whatever that might be.

Although the other children don't live there all of the time you still need to consider them part of the family. Rather than being like planning for your first baby, where you can be quite haphazard and say ah well it'll be fine they'll squeeze in and maybe later we'll move - in reality you're discussing going from two children to three and they need to be catered for equally, you can't just squeeze the little one in in quite the same way.

I don't think stepmums should never have babies - far from it! But it is a totally different thing from planning your first baby as a couple without children and it's going to be 100 times more difficult if you go into it without being aware of that and what it means - and a first baby is ALWAYS difficult, even in the most perfectly fitting situation (which of course nobody has - everyone has some kind of complicating factor.)

Effectively at the moment you have a kind of set up where it's Dad + DC and then you - Dad's wife - separately where you're sort of remaining in the background. Then when DC go back to their mum it's you + DH again. If you bring a baby into this, how is that going to work? When SDC are there you'll still have Dad + DC and you - which one will the baby fit into? It's not overly likely that the baby will magically glue the two groups together as they aren't currently thinking of you in that way, which means it will either be Dad + DC (including new baby) with you feeling like a spare part and pushed out even from your own child which will be pretty upsetting. Or it will be Dad + DC where they go off and do stuff which is interesting to the older kids and then you + baby - and you'll probably continue to be stuck with all the housework etc - which will feel really lonely and crap. IME you need to get the SDC situation and not feeling like a family sorted before more DC come into the picture because otherwise the us vs them situation simply continues and that's really crap for everyone. You also end up with huge discrepancies around events like Christmas etc and you'll notice differences in the way DH parents his older two vs your child(ren) together because of the different amounts of time they have.

If you can get into a situation with SDC currently where they come and it's family life as usual (not putting on a special time for special guests), where Dad is just as involved as you are in household chores, where you are a part of their games and activities, where you get to know them and consider them part of your family, rather than simply part of his, then a new baby will likely tie things together, because it will feel like the four of you going into the new baby thing, rather than being you and (part-time) DH having a new baby which will feel very jarring because on the one hand you're expecting this first-time thing yet it's not really like that in reality.

No, I'm not suggesting everything will be plain sailing - but that's the biggest stumbling block you can overcome IME if you want to have a not completely horrible experience of blending families by having your first baby.

AliceRR · 31/07/2018 19:25

I think you need to talk to your DP about making you feel this way. I have felt that way too and it’s not nice. I would not advise having a baby as a “solution” but honestly I think it will be different if you have your own children, for the better. I think you will feel more secure and part of the family, not just dad’s wife or whatever.

Magda72 · 01/08/2018 03:01

When he is with them he gives them 100% of his undivided attention and ignores everything and anything else that needs to be done (like cooking, cleaning, shopping, other chores). In a household which has not split up parents do not give their children this attention all of the time because they can't. Life goes on and things need doing. I believe that because of this they have become very clingy to him to the point where he can't even get a drink for himself without being followed. I'm not sure this is normal.
@superlol - I too have this with my dp & dsc. I do understand that as the nrp he wants to give them his full attention when he sees them but the weekends actually grind to a halt because of this. In my opinion this sort of full on attention where everything gets dropped when they're around has not been good for them. They are now 12, 15 & 18 & not one of them will let dp out of their sight when they're with us inc. the 18 year old - the older two should be separating out from him at this stage but don't - it's like an arrested development & they will go nowhere nor do anything without him.
If I were you I honestly wouldn't add a baby into the mix at the moment as it sounds like you will be left with the baby when the sdcs are with you.
I'm sure you love your dh but you might be better off with someone without kids - especially if you think you would like kids someday.
I've a very good friend who walked away from a guy she was crazy about because he had similar issues with his kids & she just couldn't cope. She eventually met a man without kids & while she admits it's not a grand passion she's now extremely happily married & more content than she's ever been.
Like @Bananasinpyjamas11 if I was to do it over again I'd either stay single or wait for a guy without kids. Dp & I have no kids together as we've 6 between us & it's bloody tough. I dearly wish he didn't have kids & I'd say he feels exactly the same way about me & mine!!! It's nothing personal towards any of the kids but we really struggle to prioritize each other & it's actually getting harder rather than easier.
I love my dp very much but I honestly have days of utter despair when I seriously contemplate walking.
Everyone deserves to feel comfortable & at ease in their own home - just remember that.

rainingcatsanddog · 01/08/2018 14:01

You need to talk to your h and sort out the current situation. He should be cleaning etc when the kids are around so they don't grow up thinking that cleaning is wife work. Since it's his kids coming round, he should shop before they arrive or organise a food delivery. He is a parent at the end of the day and should have rules like having everyone load the dishwasher after the meal or in return for you cooking, they tidy up together. Otherwise they end up entitled and lazy.

In a together family when babies are born one parent looks after the baby while the older one does stuff with the other parent. I suspect that your h will be hyper paranoid about the kids losing sleep, listening to crying etc and go even further with these outings. The baby will be your first so you'll probably want his support but the baby isn't his first so he'll probably go on as if life hasn't changed. I think that you will end up feeling resentful whether it ends up all kids + Dad vs You or Stepkids+ Dad vs You+ baby. Once the baby is old enough to know that Dad is going out for fun with his step siblings baby will want to go with them.

If you house is too small for a bigger table, more sofas etc then there is no solution to those problems.

I don't think that OP is jealous but I think that a band aid baby wouldn't end up healing things.

AliceRR · 01/08/2018 14:15

Regarding the table can the kids eat first and then you eat with DP after? Haven’t re-read the original post but recall you said there was no room for you

Palava57 · 01/08/2018 14:26

This is a sad situation & I wonder why your DH has not noticed how you feel nor made any effort to include you at the table or on the sofa etc?While being happy for you to be the housekeeper in the background facilitating his 100% kids time...

But I did also wonder if you are suffering from depression, stress, anxiety? Any of which can make any situation feel worse.

Fayyyyyyyyyyy · 13/08/2018 01:26

Children shouldn't come before the relationship. Children should be second and learn what a good relationship is. That's why there are so many spoilt children around because of that attitude that grow up into adults believing they are tee centre of the universe. Children should be loved and looked after but your relationship should be stronger

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