Just a bit drama again

[user1487168313]

First post...

Tomorrow evening is the prize giving night at DSS's school. DSS (age 11) will be given a prize as the deputy head boy so it's quite an important night for him. We are all very happy and are proud of him. DH (we recently got married after being together for over 3 years) wanted me to attend the ceremony, as "you are part of the family". I told him that it is probably not a good idea as his ExW would hate to see me there.

DH sent a text message to ExW and no surprise, she replied something like if I am going, she is not going and won't allow DSD (age 6) to attend as well (DSS and DSD go to the same school), and she added: "you'd better ask your son what he wants".

DH learnt from DSS last weekend that ExW has been pressuring him by saying how much she didn't want me to attend. DSS however replied, both to his mum and DH: "I want all of you to come". It was very nice of him to say so. I have a very good relationship with both kids and helped DSS tremendously with his 11+ exam by providing math tutoring almost every weekend for the past 2 years. DSS is moving in with us for his middle school in this September.

DH thus talked to ExW again via phone and this time she went completely mad, threatening that if I dare to show up, "she'd better prepare a change of clothes" (she threw a cup of orange juice at me previously) and worse......when DH told her that police may get involved if she does that, she yelled "just call the police, just call them!"

DH is very disappointed and annoyed as he knows that I would prefer to avoid any drama, either in private or in public, but on the other hand, he felt like we shouldn't be intimated by ExW as I will inevitably play a more and more important role in DSS's life. I feel very sorry for DSS as I know that he wants me to go and his mum is willing to embarrass him in front of the whole school just because she feels like she will "lose face" in front of some mums. (do ppl really care about your own business???)

Anyway, don't even know why I posted this. Maybe just finding some place to complain a little bit. Thanks for listening.

@HollyGibney ExW is a very caring mum and loves her kids to bits but she lost her temper towards DSS very easily. I can't remember how many times she shouted to DH "fxxx off and get YOUR son out of my life/house" (funny that she never said anything like that re DSD). DSS moving in with us this September is a bit more complicated than just "wanting the best for the kids", although we moved to a good catchment area for DSS is a very important factor.

I do agree that it's best that I don't attend this time, that's what I thought from the very beginning. I suspect that DSS may, as you mentioned and as what I learnt from others' experience on this forum, say things that try to please everyone. On the other hand, I know very clearly where our relationship stands and how he acts around me.

I, however, don't agree that you don't think I deserve a place to be there, no matter whatever reason I cited. I couldn't understand the idea that step parent needs to be loving and caring for DSD/DSS and must treat them as "part of the family" otherwise she is a wicked bitch, while on the other hand being excluded on every important occasions because the bio parent feel "threatened/uncomfortable", this is utterly not fair. Will I be excluded from any school shows, parent evening, graduation ceremony, even wedding just because BIO mum doesn't want me to be there? I can see that happening though.

As I said previously you'll have your days in the sun due to him now living with you and you having an ever increasing role his life down to that.

I feel like your using the term "BIO" mum there, in your big caps, just to be goady and unpleasant, which I think says a lot about who you really are as a step mother and as a person.

You're not your.

@TryingToForgeAnewLife of course I am, in her mind :) whatever the fact is doesn't matter at all because that's what she believes.

To be honest, I already made up my mind, and thanks very much to all whom offered valuable advice (especially the brilliant congratulation card idea that I never thought of!) I've been on this forum (just reading) for quite a while and learnt a lot about parenting and step-parenting. I don't have kids and actually never consider myself very keen on kids, and found many threads helpful.

@HollyGibney I have to say I didn't even notice that until you pointed it out. I was reading the "school placement/BIO Dad making life hard" thread and unconsciously used the big caps as the other OP did (also English is not my native language). Don't read too much into it....

You used it twice, once with caps, once without...

Anyway, I have read everything you've posted and I still don't think you have a place at this event. This is a journey his mother did with him from nursery or reception onwards, right up till year 6. You helped him get into his new school and will support him there. It's the decent and right thing to do; to not make a fuss about this, you should tell your DH that too.

Fair enough.

DH is now very very depressed, about the England football team lol

Sometimes op step parents need a take step back this is one of those occasions. You may find by doing this, the hostility will not be as bad. I’m a RP and sometimes it’s nice to attend things or go to meeting as parents, my dh would not take offence to this.

If course you are part of the family but I would sot it out....she sounds like a nightmare.
I'm so glad I get on with DPS ex wife.

Sit even....

Why would your DH even ask her in the first place? If you have the child's parent's permission to go (the father) then that is good enough.

My DH's ex has demanded many things like this in the past - we just ignore and I go to the appropriate things anyway. I go to support my DSD (who wants me there) and I have my DH's permission - that is enough.

Just don't needlessly ask - all it does is give the ex the freedom to give her ridiculous demands and causes more drama.