Hi guys - would love genuine non judgmental input here. I'm only asking a question that I, as a mother am struggling with & would really love to see what others think, so constructive input only please 😊.
Dp and I are together 3 years & he's divorced 5 years & has three boys aged 12, 15 & 18.
He's self employed & his exw never worked & still doesn't. Therefore he was & still is their main provider. If he doesn't work no money comes in so when they divorced they agreed to her being the RP & him being the financial provider. His work has him traveling a lot so he sees them eow, all banks holidays, does all the school stuff & takes them one on one for a full week every summer. He also does half xmas etc., takes them all on one big holiday a year & a few mini trips. He really does his best to compensate not being able to see them during the week.
Thing is, over the years he has become increasingly concerned at his exw's parenting. He gives her massive maintenance but she still makes everything about money, never seems to have enough & is constantly telling the boys he's stingy. She takes them on no holidays or day trips, doesn't engage with their schools, doesn't bring them to school if she doesn't feel like it, pulls them out of activities when she gets bored driving them or takes a dislike to a coach/trainer. The youngest has some learning difficulties which she refuses to deal with & the eldest tells dp it's an ongoing battle with her to limit junk food in the house & that she goes to her room early every night leaving him to 'police' the other two regarding screen time & bed time. She has also told them terrible lies about their dad & I & about my kids.
When dp tries to discuss any of the above with her he gets told to f**k off & gets accused of abandoning her. He didn't. They split mutually & things were civil enough until he met me & moved on.
Dp is seriously thinking of trying to get custody of them.
Thing is - I agree but I don't. I think the woman has major issues & I do not agree with her parenting at all. However, she is their mother & she loves them even though it's misguided & she uses them as weapons against their dad. I put myself in her shoes & I think of how awful I'd feel if having agreed to me being the RP my exh then decided I wasn't good enough to parent. Morally I'm caught, because how do you draw the line between emotional abuse & bad but good enough parenting?
The heart of the matter is that her parenting and dp's don't align. For eg he thinks third level is very important, she doesn't. He thinks activities are very important & she doesn't. He thinks them learning to pay their own way a little is very important & she insists on babying them. He thinks they should respect money, she thinks it magically appears out of nowhere.
Dp is very stressed with the situation & I basically agree with him. However as a mum I can also see the flipside & think he sort of needs to deal with the fact that he chose to have kids with a woman whose core values he didn't share & to some extent he has to just face up to the fact that his kids may not become the people he would like them to be because they have half their dm's DNA & that having made the decision to let her be the RP he sort of has to live with that & that taking them from her could do more harm than good.
I'd love to know what others think or has anyone been in a similar conflict.
On the one hand is it bad/negligent parenting to take kids from a dm because you don't like the way she parents? Alternatively is it bad/negligent parenting to leave them exposed in what you think is a less than ideal situation, when you feel you could give them what you think would be a happier, better life with better principles?
For what it's worth she will not go to mediation or family therapy of any description & will not acknowledge that her actions & words are damaging the boys' ability to enjoy their time with either parent.
I'm not sure I've explained myself very well here but I'm hoping some of you will grasp what I'm trying to say.