what to do if your partner's son isn't a good influence for your children?? Please help!

[Madlife]

Hi, Thank you for reading. I have been with my fiance for 4 years we have a 3 years old and a 8 months old. I just wanted to ask what to do when your partner's son is not a good influence. His son is 11and lives with us apart from every other weekend and Thursdays. He is rude, needy, and has an anger issue. He is extremely selfish and nothing is good enough for him. I am considering leaving the man I love and the father my children adore because of him. I don't have a break from him. In the beginning I was expected to do more than his mum would have ever done for him, but after he being disrespectful and me having big arguments with my partner and mother in law because of him I couldn't cope no more so I distanced from him. I hate being around him, if his dad isn't home he will be in his room ignoring my children and doing whatever he wants. When his dad is at home he will be more needy than our 2 together, will interrupt conversations, will make everything possible so I can't be close to him and what pisses me off the most is that he only teaches bad things to my son so he has something to report back to his dad and get my son to be told off. He won't do nothing in the house but urinating all over the bathroom floor, eating food in secret and hiding wrappers everywhere... I know
he is a child, those are not big things... my problem is that he has an anger issue and he can be really disrespectful towards everyone, his grandmother even his dad. He can be aggressive too. I don't shout to my children or any human being, my parents were alcoholics and I get really stressed with shouting as reminds me the hell my childhood was. He shouts at my son and gives him orders all day long shouting commands as if he was a dog. for example if he doesn't want him to be in his room he would just shout OUT. Even if he is seating in the floor doing nothing, if he doesn't move he pushes him out of the room and closes the door, my child is outside trying to get in and saying open please open please and he's behind the door so he can't get in.... I have spoken to his dad for him, he doesn't do anything wrong, the way he talks to that child is way softer than the way he does to our 3 year old same with discipline... He says is because he is the only one who loves him home so he protects him. I don't want my children to be like this child, I love that my partner wants to do the best for his son as the mother is not good but this is putting a big strain on our family ....

Your stepson has had a traumatic childhood so far and you sound like you have no compassion left going forward. I think before you commit yourself further by getting a new house you need to see if you can find that compassion again.

Three year olds, while adorable to their parents are bloody annoying creatures. Your DSS is an age where he needs his boundaries to be respected. An older child sharing with him wouldn't be so bad but it's not appropriate for him to have no personal space for himself and his things.

Thank goodness you're moving. It must be very exasperating for the 11 year old to share with a 3 year old. Personal space and privacy is very important for teens. I can only imagine how many times he has to tell his younger brother not to touch stuff.

It sounds like you work very hard to give your stepson a nice childhood and he's lucky to have you (his actual parents sound like a mess) I understand how tiring it is dealing with grumpy teens and it sounds like you try to deal with things with patience and kindness.

I'm still unclear if he's a normal moody teen or his behaviour is extreme. Shouting is not necessarily the sign of an abuse. It can happen because people feel like they aren't listened to and I know from experience that 3 year olds don't do things first time you calmly ask them to. I also grew up in an abusive household and find myself hypersensitive to strife and conflict but it's a normal part of living with people and resolving it is a way of strengthening bonds.

I’d have my 3 year old in my room for EOW and let the 11 year old have his own space, if there’s no other room. That’s one big stressor, no good for either boy.

Why is he over every Thursday? If it’s not possible for him to have his own permanent room at yours, wouldn’t it be better for your DP to do something like take him swimming, have food then drop him back at bedtime at his mums where he does have his own bedroom? That would give you a bit of space too.

It’s tricky to tell from your post how impossible this is long term, as some of the behaviour sounds pretty normalish. If he’s clingy well it’s only EOW maybe just let him and DP do their own thing? Concentrate on what impacts on the household. Can’t your DP take him out at least some of the time?

Bananas, the boy lives with the OP and is at his mum’s EOW and Thursdays.

OP, much of what you describe is normal (if seriously annoying) 11 year old behaviour which will be being exacerbated by the situation. And no 11 year old wants a 3 year old hanging around all the time.

However the anger with other adults does sound troubling. Is there any support from the school?

Oh so they have most residency? Oh no that sounds very tough. The boy doesn’t have his own room then ever, and the SM is the de facto parent not backed up by anyone. Recipe for unhappiness all around. I don’t blame the boy or the SM, his own parents are massively letting both of them down.

Sometimes I just feel so alone, because for my friends it's understandable to feel how I feel, I can't talk to my family, and to my partner if I say something about the child is because I hate him I have said in many occasions me not feeling comfortable is your fault no your son. Don't think peeing on the wall and all over the bathroom is normal. I feel awful because I understand my partner doesn't want his child to live with his mum... But I just regret when I agreed to have him home living with us.

Has the boy had any counseling? Missing the toilet is sadly very common, seeing on the walls is not. He sounds like he needs help.

To be fair in your title it comes across as if you’ve written him off as a bad egg and don’t want him to be a bad influence on your precious dc. I would imagine when your dc reach that difficult age you might be less hard on them because there your dc you make more allowances.

The fact is you jumped into this scenario fairly quickly and with a pregnancy without putting in the necessary steps to build foundations that really helps form relationships with step children. The 11year old then has zero personal space to spend time on his own.. he sounds like he’s struggling with his fractured relationship with his mother.

I cried he needed and needs a professional to talk to. He had help at school but it wasn't good, he didn't feel comfortable. But again everyone says I am not his mum and that it's not my say. He does things like that when he is pissed off.

Your DSS reminds me of my DS to some extent, who finds it hard to deal with his younger step siblings sometimes. You're getting the bedroom situation sorted, which is great and should make a difference. Perhaps it would help if you worked on having some positive interaction with your SS, so there is less of a focus on the negative. Can your DH do something with him regularly, at a set time such as a sport he's good at? Something that will give him one to one time, boost his self esteem and perhaps also be a good outlet for any anger DSS is feeling. You could also pick a good time and ask your DSS to help teach DS something he's good at such as sport or writing his name etc. Make out you think DSS would be the best person to do this and maybe offer a reward afterwards?
I also think counselling and parenting classes are a good idea. I'm thinking of trying it myself.