SD will only see Dad if he buys something

[Myboys2018]

So my partner is due to go and see his kids next weekend, one is away at a camp trip so won't be there and we are uncertain whether he will be going to see them as his youngest more often than not doesn't want to see her dad and would rather stay st Home with her mum and stepsister if daddy only takes them
Park or whatever. He only gets to see them once afortnight.

Today though he turned around and said 'I will be seeing my daughter next week as she has said she wants to see me because she has asked me to buy her some lol dolls and I said I would'. (Conveniently a rather expensive present too at least my eldest is happy to go to a charity shop and pick a toy out the 25p bucket on weeks we may be struggling.)

I simply replied that she shouldn't only
Go to see him if he buys her stuff and pays for big expensive days out and personally I don't think they should expect daddy to buy something Everytime.

He was signed off work I'll this week, so we are £200 short for all our bills as he only got £55 sick pay. We can't afford for him
To buy them both these dolls when I have already has to cut corners and bills even more this month.

Am I being unreasonable?

Your blaming the child when Its not her fault, hes the one buying something each time.

Yeah he is the one buying however he is doing it as it's the only way she will agree to see him. Not like he can exactly say he has bought her something and then when she turns up for the day says oh I didn't actually buy it.

How old is she? Confused between young enough to want a doll and old enough to decide if/when she sees her dad.

She is 7 years old nearly. The eldest daughter idolises her Dad and as much as she asks him for stuff she never says she won't see if he doesn't. (She's nearly 11).

He'll just have to say no, he's not going to bribe her into seeing him. (They learn early how to work the guilt trip). Then the choice is hers. If he gives in now, it will only get worse as she gets older, wanting more and more expensive things. Time to nip it in the bud now!

Dsd is like this and she's 16. Not sure what the answer is.

The girl is 7 years old. She’s too young to decide hereself if she has contact (that’s an adult decision).

He needs to nip the buying gifts for her in the bud. He’s created the monster, he needs to stop it because she expects it every time and becomes entitled.

If mum isn’t promoting contact and allowing the child to decide he needs to get a contact order.

I hate when people go, well my child only asks for this cheap thing. Children and people aren’t the same. There may be many reasons she’s doing it, like him buying her stuff shows her he does love her or she’s a child so kids want stuff! When kids ask for stuff people act like they shouldn’t but know one tell adults that they don’t need to buy a beer or coffee, or they shouldn’t buy a tip because they don’t need it.
Kids pick up on stuff and if a child hear talk about money like CMS and visitation then they link it together. If every two weeks he can buy a lol doll then wow! Because if he lived with them both he would spend a lot more than that and CMS. If you dh did it before because he wanted to buy her love/ contact than that’s his issue. She is 7 a very small child who is only following what she’s learnt to be acceptable.
Ps when they go Park, does he focus on her nonstop, play with her, run around, talk to her. Because I hear this a lot, but children who live with they parents are less demanding because they go home with them and watch tv have a cuddle whenever they need it. Etc

Yeah he does run around and play with her, he takes out baby son as I am st work
And his dad meets him at the park and has our boy so he can focus on his two girls. Then he goes to his mums for lunch and he sits and cuddles them and plays with them there. As they live a couple hours away. He always had a habit of spending spending spending on them
And then not having money for household bills etc and bailiffs galore. I am
Not having that for the boys of lose my stuff. Hence why I now spend more on stuff and buy on very so it's in my name. He pays a lot in contact and seeing them and we can't always afford it. It comes to Christmas and the presents they want is obscene! Last year their list totalled £1500 between the two of them! Xx

My sd does not enjoy seeing her mum because her mum doesn't engage with her or plan anything so they walk around the shops aimlessly and don't have much to talk about.
We used to send dsd out with money for food and drink and take a rucksack with some colouring etc so they had something to do together.
I don't think if her mum bought her any presents it would improve it much but it might make it seem more worthwhile for her.
So I can see from the little girls pov. Maybe suggest to your dh to plan a great day out with lots to do, maybe look out for any free events or fairs, or a trip to the beach or picnic at the park with a game to play like rounders or badminton etc so it's fun!
Fun doesn't have to be expensive. My dsd is looking forward to playing cards tonight. It's the little things?

Sounds like she has very little attachment to him and he needs to work on that.

Sorry x post there.
You have a dp problem. He needs to have a budget and work within his means. His children probably think he can because he has in the past so they think nothing of asking.
It's him that needs to work on not spending to make up for small amount of contact and make it all about quality time instead.

Elchan03 he will do days our, but as it costs £50 travelling some weeks we only have the money for
Travelling and him to buy them lunch, sometimes not even lunch. That's me
Alreadycutting our bills so he can see them. He is trying to do a day out every other time but also in his home
Town there's isn't much to do he would have to catch the bus to places and he only gets them 6 hours. We had no issues when they were allowed to stay. Although apparently I was mean if I wouldn't buy takeaway etc xx

That sounds really tough. It's not fair on you to put yourself in financial hardship for constant expensive treats.
Why are they not staying with you anymore?
Is that not something you could reinstate?

The ex wife firstly receives more csa if they don't stay, secondly she couldn't cope with their behaviour when they got home and the school
Apparently couldn't as the eldest was a nightmare as mummy would always threaten them and say they could live with us if they carried on, it also creates a higher status for her with my partner and makes him feel like she has the power. She also didn't like them travelling two hours in car Friday to ours and two hours back Sunday. Because he won't take holiday to have them instead he works 6am-2pm so I will have them and then he will have them afternoon. And because my family paid for us to go away and we can't rake the girls. And I had a holiday for me and my eldest booked before we got together. My child was a full
Price adult as I was going as a single parent: adding him on meant that my child place become free on the kids place and what I paid for my child
Got transferred to my partner and it helped me out. Unfortunately if she doesn't get her own way she will stop it: xx

Maybe she is reacting to how little effort your DP makes and how little he seems to care about them.

Your the op who excludes your dp dds and has inadequate sleeping arrangements for his dc whilst your son from a previous relationship gets a castle bed. Your on here moaning about dh who promised he would get his dd a doll

You’re treatment of those girls I favour of your precious boys is revolting. His eldest dd sleeps in a small section of the landing!

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/stepparenting/3268150-my-partner-and-his-kids

One of many ops threads why her dp can’t be arsed to see his kids

It doesn't come across that you like your stepdaughter very much at all! Perhaps that's not true, I'm only going off what you've written. It's such a difficult situation for her as a six year old to be in... try to be empathetic to her! She won't have adult understanding or money/ the same values as you - she is the product of her upbringing. Try always speaking about her with kindness.. this usually leads to kinder treatment in person. She's just a little girl.

You sound bitter and jealous for some reason. Just leave him to do what he thinks best.

7 year olds are young and maybe she was never really very close with him to begin with.

1500.00 is a ridiculous amount of money for Christmas gifts...unless cash is free flowing. He's the one who should be in control of exorbitant spending. It's not about blaming the child.

He sounds a right prince

Having read the other thread your dp sounds like an utter cockwomble.

Children are very perceptive and she has obviously picked up on the fact that her dad spends little time with them and is trying to get what little she can from him.

If you are struggling that much that buying a doll tips it ove the edge then perhaps you should have both remembered the existing children before having more. Paying the minimim cash whether they stay or not doesn't make for dad of the year. However not taking all of his children on holiday says a huge deal about him, what sort of parent does that?

Who moved away? Your DP? If so, then he has to accept the situation an that he has to pay for whatever transport is required. If he finishes at 2pm, why cant he pick them up from school on Fridays and bring them back Sundays?

The kids asking for something makes me wonder whether there is some guilt going on, especially if he has moved and he is the one who started the expectation that they would get something each time he visits.

I'm sorry but he does need to prioritise financially them being able to come over and if you can't make do as a couple, you need to consider how you can together increase your income.