Step children and inheritance

[A1056056]

Hi all
Just wondering if any one can offer any advice. Me and my partner have spilt up over the way we decide to split our inheritance between our children.
We have no children together. I have two and he has one from previous relationships. There is no plan to have any children together.
After lots of back and forth last year he decided to move in to my house. Then the word inheritance came up, something that had never crossed my mind! I knew we would need a pre-nup but never really thought about anything else.
We both have a mortgage on each of our houses.
My OH stated that if we kept both houses, moved in to mine and rented his house our assets would be combined. Therefore in regards to inheritance as he has one child his 50% would be given to his child and my 50% would be split 25% each to my children.

The issue that I cannot get my head around is the fact that as it stands now (we both have life insurance to cover the cost of our mortgage if we died)
My children would get half of my property which is £117500 each and OH's son, would get the full amount of his which is £135000.
Coming together the amount is £370000 (I will work it out as if we are keeping both houses)
Under OH's way of thinking his son would get 50% of the property estate and each of my children would get 25% each:
OH's son now gets £185000= 50%
My child now gets £92500= 25%
My child now gets £92500= 25%

OH's point of view is that he is taking on half of my liability now and vice versa with me and his house and therefore he owns 50% which to him means his son should get his full 50% and as I have two children my 50% would be divided therefore getting 25% each.

Our children are still relatively young all still at the later years in primary school so we would becoming together and taking on each other's children, although his son only comes every other weekend and my children go to their dads every other weekend. So I guess I assumed we would be a new family unit and each child an individual in our lifetime and after we have gone. My thoughts are the money should be split 3 ways as we are taking things on together as a family and that's how it should end too! My other half is soooo adamant that he is right that he can no longer be with me as he says 'isn't it enough that I'm taken on your children, putting a roof over their heads, paying for food etc' and then he says I expect him to give my children some of his child's inheritance! This is really painful to hear as I really do not want to take any of his child's money I just feel my way seems more fair for everyone but he says my way is only fair for me and my own!
We have both spoken to financial advisors, however this has been separate (our relationship hasn't really been in the right state to go together) and the one I spoke to agreed with me and said that is how most combined families do it. My OH's financial advisor said he was right and you work for your blood and pass on to your blood.
My oh did state that if he had a lot more money then maybe he would split things more towards my way but as he doesn't he has a duty of care to provide for his son!

A trust fund has also been discussed to ensure that neither of us would be in the position of after one of us died all the joint assessments would be sold straight away and that the surviving spouse would be able to live in the family home and that a certain amount would go in to a trust fund for whichever child's parent that died first.

Everyone we speak to has their own opinion and we are getting know where!
I am really starting to doubt my way is right as my oh is so adamant that he is right and that he can't be with someone that thinks it's right to tell someone what they should do with their own money! I am really concerned that I'm wrong and that if we never get back together and I meet someone else and they think the same as my oh I will have massive regrets.
I would like to know people's thoughts and if i am having the wrong outlook on how I have worked out the figures and percentages as it does not sit right with working out the amounts as 50% and 25%/25% but if this way is financially fair for everyone then I would love to know.
That is all we want, for it to be financially fair for everyone. The problem is deeming whose way is fair for everyone and that is where the conflict between us is happening.
Thank you for reading! Hopefully there is people in our situation that can help!

I strongly agree that you've dodged a bullet by splitting up. The part of your post that really disturbed me was the bit about him putting a roof over your children's heads etc - he's moving into your house ffs! He will resent every penny he spends on your children and it is so unfair to them to move someone into their house, who resents them. Blending a family only really works when it's done wholeheartedly with both partners seeing all the kids as choldren of their family. I don't think that's anywhere near how he views your children.

If you do reconcile (and I advise against it), I wouldn't live with him and would keep all assets separate.
I agree with pp who say he is getting far more out of the pooling arrangement than you would and you should put the interests of your own dc first.

I don't agree with puttong something in place which lets him live in the house until he dies - if you died young, you could be denying your own kids their inheritance for 50 years!

Everything @WhiteCat1704 says.
Him giving his dc half is fine so long as he's putting in half.
As a married couple I don't think who's earning the larger salary from this point on should be a factor in inheritance as imo when married salaries are merged for the common use of the family.
Dp & I are getting married later this year & will ringfence our pre marriage assets. Anything from hereon in is going to be classed as ours inc. salaries.

The comment about putting a roof over your children's head is a major red flag. What does he think you've been doing until now?

In your shoes I wouldn't marry and have his house go to his child and your house to your kids (but have a 6 month-12 months where he can live in your house should you die)
He would pay 50% of bills (not mortgage) and you would pay nothing towards his house (repairs etc)

This is so tricky isn’t it?

I think either pool everything and each get 33%.

Or ring fence your assets as of now. Then draw up an agreement about future assets and go 50/50 on these?

I can understand your DP if it is future assets from combined investment e.g. your house. Not past though.

My soon to be ex DP has 3 kids from a previous marriage, I have one and we have one together. This is still a huge bone of contention for me. At present I have more assets, about 100k, which I had before we me. I’ve lived in his house for 8 years bringing up our child. He refuses point blank to give me any accrued assets from the house we both live in! It is in his name! Even though it had no equity when we met. It’s all from both our investment into our home.

I was overly trusting. He says I already have assets so it’s completely separate his, and he’ll split it between his four children. What an asshole!

It really does reveal a lot about a relationship, the finances.

I’d ring fence the houses - his son get his and your kids get yours then I’d keep finances separate and your money to your kids and his to his.

So I think he is more right than you..

You ring fence the value of your house and that goes to your two children

He still sells up and moves in but his money is also ring fenced for his son

However there are many other worrying things in your post which would put me off this relationship!

I think that you made the right decision on splitting up. People's true colours show when money is involved.

You were right to split up, but it must be painful. This man was always going to prioritise hims kid and his son, at the expense of you and your kids. You are well out of it.

*himself and his son

Which is why I will never marry again

Agreed @GeorgeTheHippo

@Bananasinpyjamas11 - where is your (ex) dp expecting you & your dc to live????

@Bananasinpyjamas11
So you weren’t married? If you are able to prove you were not a tenant and contributing directly towards the cost of either the mortgage or any home improvements then you may be entitled to a percentage of the equity it has gained within the 8 years you lived there. A friend of mine recently split with her partner of 6 years and although they weren’t married and she wasn’t on the mortgage she was able to prove she’d contributed towards a kitchen renovation and conservatory on the house and therefore was able to claim a proportion based on that. She estimated she’d contributed around £40k but only got £15k back but it’s better than nothing!

I've read that in the situation where you are not married, claiming back what you've put into home improvement can be reclaimed (with receipt of course), however 'contributions towards the mortgage' rarely is because you would have to really prove that indeed, you were paying towards it and not 'rent' and the argument is 'if you were paying towards the mortgage, you should have put your name on the deeds'.

That's of course if you've paid regularly towards the mortgage, if you haven't, then you have no chance whatsoever to claim that it is a joint asset.

OP, there are three things to consider: What would happened if you separated, what would happen if one of you would pass away, what will happen when you live together.

Separation: you should both get what you came in with. Ideally, he only contributes towards the bills, and he puts the money that he is saving into an investment of his choice. He can't claim anything to do with your house if you go your separate ways.

Wills: I personally think this is very personal, especially at a start of a relationship and each should leave what they want to whom they want.

Living together: Work out your total income (including the rental he gets from his property), take away all costs (including your mortgage and any costs associated with his house, child maintenance etc...), and then divide by two what is left over. This should be the disposable income you are both entitled to. it does mean that he as more per head than you, but I personally don't think that is that unfair. This is what my OH and I have done, even though he has no children and I have two. Saying that, he will put more into the family holiday fund, and he will pay when we go out etc... so it probably balances out quite equally in the end.

@magda and flowerpot - I know it’s frustrating! He’s a high earner but the mortgage is huge, I’m not sure he’s any idea where we can live! Nor can I. Which is why the separation is taking so long, a kind of Mexican stand off. He did say we’d marry but that’s a whole other story. Galling as I used to have a good job and was proud of my self sufficiency, However our child is special needs and young, and I just don’t have the earning capacity anymore. Part time low paid jobs don’t pay the rent!

Sorry hope I haven’t derailed. It’s really an important question though finances. OP you are right to think this all through now. And it can be surprising that some people have a different view on finances. Better to really get it sorted, or decide a different course now.

Joining assets benefits his child and leaves your children worse off.

I think you posted about this before, if not another poster had an identical scenario.

It's got to be one third each, otherwise ring-fence assets. I think if you agree to something that feels unfair to you, there's a risk that it will eat away at you and you'll feel resentment.

Why don't you put your assets into a trust for your two children before you move in together ,that way the trust owns the assets to be passed to your children , you can also get your pension and life insurance paid in to the trust on your death and write an expression of wishes that releases money to pay for funeral expenses , education for your children etc on death . Take some financial advise it will pay off in the long run .

My parents have mirror wills. It means everything goes to the remaining partner and nothing to the children or stepchildren.

My dm and dsf have no children together but I have a sibling and 3 step siblings. They say the estate of the remaining partner would then be split in half with one half to db and I and the other half split between the 3 step siblings.

My df died a few years ago. His house was purchased from the proceeds of his divorce from dm. He remarried but was in the process of divorcing his second wife when he died. She contested the will and won.

I think step families make finances extremely complicated and agree with whoever has suggested ring fencing the assets.

Two of my friends have had divorced parents re-marry, arrange ‘Mirror wills’ and then get NOTHING when each of the step parents died. i.e both the new SM and SF survived their bio parents and left them nothing.

I wish parents who have remarried would look after their children.

Yes whilst I do think that everyone should be able to get their dying wishes and so wills should be carried out to the letter I think it needs very careful consideration.

Despite my experience with my df, my dm is absolutely convinced mirror wills are the way to go. However if she were to die first I don't trust my dsf .I think he would then change the will to just his children only.

If I was in this situation pre nups and ring fencing assets are absolutely the right way to go. Especially if you are unsure in a relationship and if one party has considerably more.

We had no concrete plans to marry.
It is the hardest thing in the world to try and work out. The problem is even going to see professional help, they will only advice or go off our instructions and the fact we can not come to an agreement is the problem.
I have definitely discussed us ring fencing our equity as what we have now is ours and then the equal splitting of money would happen when we would start to live together.
I do get my partners point as if we were to split up 10years in to the relationship then we would split it 50/50 I guess I just assumed that when we both go each child is an individual and would get a 3 way split of mine and my partners estate as we have built it up together. Such a complicated mess to try and resolve!

I have definitely discussed us ring fencing our equity as what we have now is ours and then the equal splitting of money would happen when we would start to live together.

I think this is the only fair way and it's also the best way to protect your children. It's very odd that he wouldn't agree to that and makes me think he just wants his kid to get a share of your assets as you're bringing more to the table.

Also it sounds like he's trying to bully you by threatening to break up if you won't to do it his way.

Just asked my OH what he'd do in this situation and he agrees ALL children get the same cut.