I really don't know what is fair in this situation

[babysharkdodododododo]

Hi everyone

Bit if background. I have an 11 year old DSS. He lives with his mum in a city 250 miles away. His mum moved away when her and my DH seperated when DSS was 3. DH couldn't move too because hes cares for his parents. DH travels to see his son every other weekend and we have him for most of the holidays. He is a fantastic dad.

We also have a 7 month old DS.

That's the background but Im happy to answer any more questions!

Basically, I'm not sure what is fair and was wondering what other stepfamilies do.

My mum gave me a little bit of money to treat myself with. I suggested that we take DS to the zoo this weekend. He loves animals and loves going the farm and I thought, as its going to be lovely and sunny, DH is not in work/away/with his parents, it would be a lovely treat!

DH doesnt think he can because he feels sad at the thought of DSS missing out. He suggests we wait until DSS is next up in the half term.

I do understand his point of view but I also feel sad because I feel like our DS is missing out (I know he's only 7 months, I more mean in the long term if this keeps happening)

DSS doesnt like the zoo, he finds it boring. I wouldn't suggest a day out that I think DSS would like if he couldn't come.

I was wondering what other step-families do in this situation? Do you only do days out when everyone is together?

I want to do what's right for everyone but really dont want my son to be missing out

Im starting to feel like, with money being tight, maybe saving what is a rare day out for us money wise for when we're all together is reasonable.

I agree with you on this OP. YANBU because you need to be able to do things as a family when DSS isn't there too, you are still a family! But if it's a rare treat, it would be nice to save it for when DSS is there.

I never had this issue with DH but it did come up once with DSS(8). He found out we had taken DS to see my brother and his children at the seaside and had a little sulk that he had missed out. We explained very gently that we can't pause our lives whilst he is with his mum - he is doing lovely things with her when he's not with us, and our DS deserves to do lovely things to. He seems to understand it now. But for rare treats (I.e. weekends away or aquariums or zoos) we would only do when DSS is with us.

Thank you Colbu24, that is really kind of you to say.

I can't quote what people have said because I'm on my phone, but I should say, it isn't everything. Going to the beach/park/parties that happen when DSS isnt here doesn't upset DH at all. But I think what I hadnt taken into account is how rare a treat a day out is at the moment. We are moving house which is so expensive and Im on mat leave so its all a bit tight.

I think maybe a meal with DH to have that quality time and then maybe a trip to the farm with DS so he can be amazed by the giant pig again might be the way to go. And then a day out all together next bank holiday weekend when DSS will be here.

Its really good to get the opinions and advice of people who dont know me, thank you

We’re in a very similar situation and our rule of thumb tends to be that days out that both will enjoy we do when DSD is with us but if only DD will get something out of it then we do it when it’s just us three; also if for whatever reason DSD doesn’t happen to come ok the weekends we’ve got something planned I tend to insist we do it so that our DD doesn’t miss out. I wouldn’t want DSD being upset at missing out on something she’d enjoy but I also don’t think it’s fair on DD to never do anything when it’s just us.
Also as children enter the teenage years they’ll want to see their friends on weekends so when there’s a distance involved it might mean they come to their dads less which I think will never true for us so I don’t want it to be a habit that we’re always waiting for DSD to do activities
In your situation if he wouldn’t enjoy the zoo I don’t see the benefit to anyone of waiting until he’s there

You sound really sweet and it sounds as if the brothers have a great relationship.

Having said that , 7 months old is too young for the zoo!

I think the zoo idea is lovely. He may not understand or remember it but I think he will be wide-eyed with wonder and it will be special for you.

My DSC used to be mad about the zoo then suddenly around the age of 8 it started to become less popular and was uncool by 10 (which I thought was a real shame as it was still pretty young) so I’m not convinced an 11-yo would be interested in that as a day out.

An alternative for you and baby DS could be a city farm?

But, as everyone else is saying, your DH is being very unreasonable with the ‘no days out without DSS’ and I’d recommend you talk about this now to avoid it being and issue for the next 5 years.

Also worth making sure Dh and DSS gets tons of 1:1 item together and then perhaps DH can take him out to do something he’d really enjoy, just the two of them?

At seven months your DS will have no clue he's at the zoo or memory of it so waste of money at that age.

You won't leave your DS for a meal out so imagine your DH not seeing his child for days on end. No wonder he doesn't want a family day out without him when money is tight and access limited. I'd insist on both going too.

I'd look at the money situation so that you can afford more days out and then it will naturally come that they go out together or alone. Your DSS is already missing out at home, I'd be working all hours to ensure he had a wide variety of activities, days out etc when with me if that was the situation.

At 7 months your child won't remember being cuddled or laughed with, fed or clothed, kept warm or safe... so don't bother.
Never heard anything so ridiculous. He will have a lovely day, if op wants to take him, or I presume if she chooses not to.
That's not the issue, it's about balance and fairness in a blended family, it's not simple but can be worked out with goodwill.
It sounds like mum of older boy is struggling and he may end up spending more time with op. That will generate other issues. Keep talking

I have an older DD (11) and 2 under 3. Eldest spends every other weekend with her dad. If I am planning a trip to a zoo, splash park etc, anything outside of normal beach, country park type visits, I only book them for whenshe is home. Not because she particularly minds, but because I want to experience those things with all of my children. I imagine this is how your DH feels.

I took DS to the zoo when he was 12 months. He had no interest whatsoever in the animals in cages, but got hugely excited chasing some pigeons around! A bit of a waste of money though.

Go for a meal out with your DH, and "treat" DS to something he'd really like - like the park, or game of peak-a-bo. With such a big age gap it really shouldn't be hard to find things DS enjoys that DSS doesn't, to do on the weekends when he's not there.

Your DH may be feeling that if he can go a week or more at a time not seeing his DS then surely you can manage an evening?

We've been members at out local zoo since dd was 16 weeks old, when she was little it served a purpose as me and dh got a good walk around with her but once she got to 7/8 months old she loved it and became quite animated around certain animals.

I dont understand the they won't remember it so don't do it point of view on here as surely its more important if they enjoy it at the time.

op yanbu you can't put life on hold if dss isn't there

We do days out as and when we want and weather permits.
If we have DSD that weekend great, if we don’t then we still go.

If my partner said we couldn’t take our kids out because we have to wait to have DSD in a weekend or 2 time then I’d put my foot down to be honest. I won’t have my kids missing out.

If my partner said we couldn’t take our kids out because we have to wait to have DSD in a weekend or 2 time then I’d put my foot down to be honest. I won’t have my kids missing out

But it's ok for your partners child to miss out?! Besides, no one is missing anything if you wait, they still do it just on a different day ffs!

She does stuff with her mum while she’s not with us! So no she’s not missing out! Ffs.

Why should my kids ONLY get to do things when there sister is around ? When the weathers nice and it’s not our weekend does that mean we can’t do a day out? Like heck!

Don't have 3 sons by any chance do you Oreo?!

I don’t even have 3 kids.

It’s a bad precedent for him to set, so nip it in the bud now. Totally unfair that your DS has to miss out on family days, tell him that! Poor DS having to wait and only do stuff with DSS. Also, you really need time together as your own family. Sometimes it might be nice for DP to do stuff with DSS on his own too.

But it's ok for your partners child to miss out?! Besides, no one is missing anything if you wait, they still do it just on a different day ffs!

So what do you think her children should be doing while their sibling is with their mum then? Sitting in the house doing bugger all? Probably

I'm another one who thinks 7 months old is too young to really enjoy the Zoo.

He isn't going to remember it. At least wait till he's a toddler.

I think it's great that your DSS loves his little brother.