DP still has no contact with his DD

[MycatsaPirate]

God knows why I'm posting again, I get such a hard time on here but I feel like I need to get this out of my system and sometimes just writing it all down helps.

His DD will be 15 this month. He hasn't had her here for contact for two years and doesn't see her at all except for when he goes to her parent's evenings at her school. She lives with her step dad and her mum died a year ago.

DP and her stepdad went to mediation after her mum died and it was agreed that DP would ring stepdad every Friday evening to talk about DD and see how things were and basically let DP know what was going on in her life. There have been weeks with no contact where stepdad has been out for the evening or just hasn't answered the phone but mostly they have kept in touch.

The problem is that DP is no further forward in trying to speak to his DD or see her. He has offered to see her at her house with others there, on her own, take her out in the town where she lives, have a meal out - pretty much anything but the response is always silence. She will not communicate with him at all.

At what point does he just stop trying? I feel like it's not great for him to be putting so much time and effort into something that makes him upset and it affects him badly that she really won't talk to him at all.

He still sends presents for birthday and Christmas and the only time he has actually spoken to her on the phone is when he rings to see what presents she would like, that's the only time she has willingly come to the phone and spoken - every other time she tells her stepdad she doesn't want to talk to him.

I know she is still grieving the loss of her mum. She also lost her grandmother (her mum's side) and an uncle very shortly afterwards. She has little family left that she sees. She has no contact with dp's family and spends all her time with her stepdad and an aunt on her mums side.

Her stepdad has three children, all adults, and one of his own daughters has had her own kids removed from her and it's taken her two years to get them back. He has said to dp that it's been awful for her not seeing her children, absolutely heartbreaking and yet he can't see that DP is feeling the same pain as his daughter??

I feel like the phone calls are going nowhere. There is no movement towards getting his DD to discuss why she won't see her dad. There's no effort to find out what on earth he has done wrong or why she has effectively cut herself off from him.

Bizarrely she speaks to my DD's on social media but my DD's are very good and won't discuss it with her and won't bring us up in conversation, they just keep communication lines open.

What does he do? Where do you go when nothing gets talked about and nothing changes?

She's a child grieving you never stop trying to engage her and put your own feelings a side.

At what point does he just stop trying?

Never. I understand that it’s difficult for you and him, but this is a wee lassie grieving for her Mum and to cut contact completely would be incredibly cruel.

I feel like it's not great for him to be putting so much time and effort into something that makes him upset and it affects him badly that she really won't talk to him at all

Keep trying. She’s pushing him away for whatever reason, and if he does cut contact it will destroy her confidence and make her feel even worse.

Rejection is something all parents have to deal with on some level. It’s up to us, as adults, to not take it personally and show unconditional love. Forever.

A parent should never ever give up on their child. Maybe he could go to a therapist to help understand what she is going through and help him construct a letter inviting her to therapy with him. Or even to see the therapist on her own first with a view to later work on their relationship together.

I don’t know if I’m being harsh but why is your DPs continued interest in his daughter only there if he can have what he wants? Isn’t he just interested full stop, no matter what? I’d also be supporting the step Dad. I think no strings interest from him is needed, on whatever terms his DD is comfortable with.

I can totally understand your husbands pain, but he can never give up on this.

He won't give up on her, I promise that. I just find it so hard to see him suffer and struggle with this rejection. I would be devastated to lose contact with one of my children and have them repeatedly throw any attempt to speak to them back at me, with no explanation why.

His DD won't go for counselling or mediation with her dad. She refuses to see the mediator who spoke to her dad and stepdad. She won't tell anyone why she won't see her dad or talk to him.

Bananas I'm not sure what you mean by your first sentence. He is always interested in what his DD is doing and how she is getting on, that's never in question. However, I do think it's reasonable to want to actually talk to her in person at some point. Two years with zero contact and no explanation is not great really.

I'm not sure how he is supposed to support the stepdad. Financially they are absolutely fine, more than fine. Stepdad doesn't work, just does some voluntary work and seems to be out socialising a fair bit. His DD does a few activities and seems to be out quite a bit too. She has just come back from a residential trip abroad with school. There's not much else dp can do as stepdad really doesn't want to meet up with dp either and is content to keep him at arms length with just a phone call weekly being their contact. Dp has offered to meet him for coffee and stepdad said no, it would be too much for him to cope with (no further explanation given on that either).

I guess I don’t know the backstory at all. Perhaps there’s no reason at all for his DD to stop contact. Even so, with her Mum dead I’d give her a very long time before expecting return. There’s been trauma.

It’s just your first post was a lot about him pushing for reciprocation and why should he still keep up with her if he doesn’t? Maybe I got that wrong.

I’d guess the stepdad is still grieving too and he and your DPs DD have bonded especially over their shared grief.

I guess supporting step Dad is respecting his grieving and his needs too. If he doesn’t want to meet up, or misses a phone call. Financially yes if that is appropriate.

Maybe just respecting his space and DDs too. He could keep up by writing letters, even if they are not sent, just to show, whenever DD is ready, that he was always thinking of her?

Clearly there's more to this...don't know the history... as in a normal situation she'd have gone to live with her dad.

Was in her life regularly before her mum passed away? Did they have a close relationship? Why can't she communicate directly with him ...without her step dad being involved?

I think trying to speak to her on the phone is not the easiest way of communicating. Have you tried brief chatty email, social media ?
Only giving your chatty news , not expecting any news from her.
Just letting her know you are still there really.
Was contact regular up until 2 years ago ? Does your DH still pay maintenance and has Step dad told her that ?

I'd say you have to look at what happened prior to and when contact first stopped. There must have been a reason. He can try all he wants now but unless you find the core of the issue, I doubt anything will change.

How come she didn’t go live with her df?

Dp's ex moved with their DD three years ago just after their divorce was finalised, and moved in with her new partner. About an hours drive away in clear traffic. She used to live a two minute walk away from us which was great as she could come and go between the houses as needed. We used to have his DD from Friday evening to Monday morning eow and then often have her extra when his ex went away or was staying with her partner. I would take his DD to school in the morning (dp starts work at 6am) and then DP would collect her from school or after school club or she would walk to ours.

When they moved, contact was suddenly drastically reduced. We began getting a lot of excuses that his DD was busy, didn't want to come etc. And then the following year his ex was diagnosed with cancer although we had no idea of the severity of it and that she was terminal. All communication ground to a halt, we had no way to communicating as phone calls, emails etc just weren't answered.

A lot went on, I have done other threads if anyone wants to read them, do an advanced search on my name.

Oh your poor OH.....

Personally I think the girl should live with her dad. Not sure of the circumstances but if they only moved 3 years ago, and they only divorced 3 years ago, the DSD can’t of been in her life that long. I don’t think she should live with the DSD. Why hasn’t your OH gone for residency.

I know of similar circumstances to this. Man & wife divorce. Kids live with mum (in early teens). Mum remarries and has a baby. 3 years later mum (sadly) dies. No question - the kids go to live with dad.

It's odd that she wouldn't want to live with her dad.

Did he hear his DD directly saying she was too busy in those 3 years or was it all through his Ex?

Maybe she thinks he didnt make enough effort to see her in those years. It's hard to know what's going on in her mind.

When the ex moved is when things deteriorated. At that point DP was still not working, still suffering from considerably bad injuries from his accident (a road accident which nearly killed him - he was off work for two years in total) and we were surviving on handouts from charities to survive. So when they moved we had no money to go and get his DD and he asked his ex to help by at least doing on of the journeys. She refused. Said if he wanted to see her, he'd find the money. There was NO money. The divorce had just been finalised, the house put on the market, we were facing being homeless and had no income other than ESA and tax credits/child benefit for my two DD's. We were still having to pay bills and the mortgage and child maintenance and simply didn't have an extra £60 a month to pay fuel. My kids were going without the basics at one point, we were living on an overdraft.

Whether his ex told his DD that he couldn't be bothered or not I don't know. I do know that when the house sold and we moved, that we were slightly better off in terms of having some spare money but by then his ex was refusing to talk to my dp. That was in the October. His DD came to this house once, in the December for a few days but it was a difficult visit. Despite me taking DD2 off out of the way and DD1 being at work most of the time, his DD spent most of the time upstairs in the bedroom on skype, refusing to talk to her dad, refusing to engage.

So by the time her mum became ill, things were so difficult there was absolutely no communication. We were never told how ill she was, DP was told by his ex that it was manageable and she would be ok. We only got told it was terminal two days before she died. DP has been accused of not supporting his ex through her illness and not supporting his DD through that time. I am at a loss to know how you can support anyone when no one is talking to you.

I don't know why his DD stopped talking to him. I can only suggest it was her mum badmouthing her dad (which to be fair had been ongoing since DP and I got together six years ago). Of course, now she has died, no one is allowed to suggest she was anything other than a saint which makes it even more difficult for dp to ever defend himself without telling his DD his ex was telling lies.

OP what a terrible situation for you.

I hope the truth comes out one day. No advice but wishing you all the best x

I remember your past threads.

The problem was that once you were financially able to sue for access, he refused to push for any because "he didn't want to look bad taking a sick woman to court". So for a year (or two) during the illness, he just had almost no contact. It wasn't about the money. I'm sure his DSD sees it as abandonment (because it was).

Also the stepdad is ill, right? Has a traumatic brain injury and forgets things and is aggressive? Yet, your DP refused to sue for access whilst the ex wife was in hospices for weeks on end and your DSD was living with him.

Your DP seems very passive. I wouldn't be willing to leave my daughter in a home like that. On some level did he just think when his ex wife died, he could just step in and parent?

Surely in the eyes of the law your dp has parental responsibility not her step father who hasn’t been in her life for very long. The way his dd sees is he sees you and your dd but hasn’t made zero effort to see his dd and even worse when her mother was dying and now pasted away.

Ok firstly it wasn't him abandoning her. He repeatedly tried to get contact with his DD, he would attempt to see her every Monday evening when she was at her activity near where we live. However, her aunt runs the activity and it became clear that she was enabling the stonewalling of DP as his DD was always 'busy' elsewhere when he turned up. His DD would be sent on ahead to the boat slipway etc so that she wasn't there when he was.

He rang, emailed and texted both his ex and his DD. Calls were not answered, texts and emails weren't responded to. Court was his only option and who on earth takes a seriously ill woman to Court? It would have been deemed cruel by both the Courts and his ex/his DD.

Her stepdad is not violent. He is forgetful and quite stuck in his routine. But is not violent. Absolutely no way would DP's ex have got together with a man with a temper.

His DD is nearly 15, she has been prepping for GCSE's for the last year or so. She absolutely does not want to move schools or move back to the area she grew up in. She is settled. And DP respects that. He just wants some contact with her.

DP has never given up trying to see her or contact her but was told to stop ringing or texting his DD by the stepdad and previously his ex. Apparently it was upsetting her.

It seems he's damned if he does and damned if he doesn't. He still sends birthday and Christmas presents and cards. He still sends messages to her via her stepdad (whether they are passed on or not we don't know). But she has effectively cut him off at every turn, via social media, email and phone. So going through her stepdad is the only option.

So he doesn’t pay for her then?
He has effectively handed responsibility over to the stepdad yes?
I think he needs to keep on contacting her weekly and perhaps set up an account for her that he could hand over at a certain point in her life to show her that he has been trying to provide for her on some level.
Poor kid.

Can you see how it might feel to his DD that he had though?

I’m not getting much compassion about a wee girl who has lost her mum, and whose dad hasn’t done anything like as much as he should have for her. She’s bound to be mixed up, she’s grieving and probably clinging to the only constant she has, which is her SD.

@Isadora2007 - the op said he pays maintenance. She said at one point they couldn't afford the petrol to go and visit, plus maintenance.

No advice OP - what a strange and sad situation.