Struggling with DSS

[BPG20]

DSS is 8 and DS is 17mo. DH and I have been together for 7 years, I've been helping parent DSS for 6 years. I love him very much and try my best to treat both boys equally.

The boys play together really well generally however DSS keeps all his toys in his room, where DS does not go. All of DS's toys are downstairs because he is so young. DSS has the option of keeping things downstairs but is asked to keep anything special upstairs so DS cannot break it. As such, DSS keeps everything upstairs and so DS has no access to any of DSS's things (which is fair enough!).

DSS plays with a lot of DS's toys, including a small ride on toy that he is far too big for (DSS is the size of a 10yo). I ask him not to because he might break it, which he listens to until the next week when he does it again.

This morning both joys were playing with a toy with some cars that DSS then picked up and put out of DS's reach so he could play with it himself. I asked him to put it back on the floor so DS could play too, since it was his toy. DSS did this, but then took all the toy cars away from DS to play with himself. Every time DS would pick up a car, DSS would take it off of him.

I asked DSS to come away and stop playing with it - I said that although they need to share, he needs to respect that it is DS's toy and he was stopping him from playing with it, when DS never plays with DSS's toys. He started sulking when I asked him how he would feel if DS was playing with DSS's toys and not letting him play. He often does this - just sits there pulling a face when asked a question he doesn't like the answer to.

I asked him for an answer, at which point DH walked in and went ballistic at me. Said that if I thought that this was the worst thing DSS could possibly do then I had another thing coming. I know that there's much worse than this, but I still don't think DSS was being kind and asked him to apologise, and from now on he is to ask DS if he can play with his toys rather than just doing it seeing as though we keep DS away from DSS's toys. DH said this was ridiculous as DS is too young to say yes or no to DSS playing with him, which is right but i think that DS should still be treated with the same respect that DSS is treated with.

When DSS still didn't apologise, I did lose my temper a bit - explained that the day before when DS had bit DSS I told him not to and asked him to apologise to DSS (by giving him a kiss as he can't say sorry), so its not as if I'm expecting more from DSS than I am from DS.

Basically DH is angry at me for making a mountain out of a molehill, but this has only happened because DH stepped in and got angry. I expect both the boys to treat each other and each other's things with respect and I am fed up of DS getting the shit end of the deal whilst DSS can do what he wants without any interference. DH has always disciplined his son when necessary but since DS came along he doesn't any more and I know it's because he is scared of DSS saying something to his mum about being told off, and his mum using it against DH because she thinks DS is struggling to adjust with us having a second child (even though she has another child a month older than ours).

I just don't know what to do any more. J feel like I can't discipline DSS without DH having a go at me, but I look after DSS a lot whilst DH is at work and I'm not having him picking on my son, especially when I pull DS up on his behaviour when he is unkind to DSS.

I know this is a DH problem, he admitted this morning after the argument that this is new to him and he is struggling with getting the right balance, but I can't put up with the constant arguing any time I dare to say a word against DSS.

I don't even know what I'm looking for with this post, I suppose I'm just venting. I just feel like my DS is getting the shit end of the stick whilst DSS can do whatever he wants.

This happens quite regularly in my household with the dc it’s typical sibling behaviour and I do have to agree your making a mountain out of a mole hill here. After you explained to your dss you should have let the incident drop unless he continued to do what he was doing.

In our case the older child had no interest in the baby's toys, which makes me think your DSS would like more attention. Does he have any 1:1 time with his Dad? Maybe step this up - can they do some kind of 'big boys' activity together each week for a couple of hours? Swimming, lunch, cinema, cycling?

This is true, but he is already getting more of DHs time than our DS is. On weekends when DSS isn't here, DH runs his errands, works, tinkers about with his car etc so that when DSS is here he can give him 1 to 1 time. But DS doesn't get this- he sees him for maybe an hour a day before and after work. DSS often gets taken out for the day by DH but not DS.

I honestly feel like we have split in half as a family and it's us vs them. It's horrible.

I think the issue with asking 'how did it make you feel' is that it implies that they should feel shame and what was the step too much. It's horrible to feel shameful and I think your OH was trying to tell you that making him feel bad about himself over something that in the scheme of things is not a massive deal was too much and unkind.

Swing but I didn't ask him how it made him feel, I asked him how he would feel if the situation was reversed. I don't want to make DSS feel ashamed I wanted him to understand that he wouldn't like it if someone was taking his things that he was playing with and putting them out of his reach and snatching bits off of him as he was trying to play. I didn't mean he should be ashamed of what he had done, I would hate for him to feel that.

On the weekends DSS is there, why can't just a couple of hours be carved out for an activity with all 4 of you after DH has had one to one time with DSS?

You could all go swimming. You could maybe do soft play...which an 8 year old would still enjoy.

There are also some educational type toys that DS could help DSS with. Like really big piece jigsaw puzzles.

Out of all the people involved...your DSS is facing the biggest change here. He needs a lot of attention right now to cope with these major adjustments in his life.

Bear in mind he would have had time to prepare for his mum's baby through the pregnancy. He has seen that sibling grow from a new born.

With your DS he's just had a new sibling come home one day (from his perspective) and it's not easy to adjust.

The babies on either side won't remember much of what happens st this age .... but your DSS will remember everything at this age ... and care and empathy need to be applied.

I can imagine similar things happen with his mum. With my own two DC, I remember telling the older one to play nicely with the younger one.
The moving toys out of reach is not a nice thing.

Having said all that... I'm not saying you shouldn't teach DSS right from wrong and his behaviour was wrong. Tone and level of your voice is important when children. I'm sensing you may have raised your voice at him or sounded stern, hence your DH picked up on it straight away.