How to encourage DSS be more independent.

[Onthewrongsideof30]

DSS is an only child, eow with us - not through choice, we'd like more access, DSS's mum feels through the week is too disruptive to his routine and DH won't go down the court route as feels to upsetting. Every weekend DSS (10) gets up before us, plays on his console or watches TV. Then I get up, offer breakfast, water - same stock answer not hungry. DH gets up and offers breakfast, he says yes to that ! - which he wolfs down so must be starving. (Btw he will only have been up 30 or so mins before us) He knows where everything is but won't help himself. I hate the thought of him being hungry. I asked him to make himself toast the other day and he looked at me like i'd asked him to make a Sunday dinner. He didn't have a clue and I had to show him. I've put a snack box in the fridge for him - told him to have anything from it at any time. (Its full of things he likes) but he won't help himself. Same with even a drink of water !! We offer constantly, but I'd like him to feel he can help himself !! He'll rarely entertain himself. Constantly seems bored. He has his own room and den - with TV and console, stacks of Lego, toys, books. He still has things from Christmas he hasn't looked at. DH spends time with him alone, takes him out to the park etc, but he lacks interest or motivation. Any tips ...... feel a bit stuck, we both do. (His parents have never been together, if that's at all relevant) Apparently he's very interested and motivated at home, but doesn't do any chores etc.

ohreallyohreallyoh Why a 10 year old wouldn't be allowed to help himself to water or piece of toast? You make your children ask every time? For water, juice, fruit etc too? Why?

Similar situation here. 2 DSC - girl 12 & boy 9. Can’t do anything for themselves. Apparently mum does everything for them. When I met them 3 years ago (so they were 6 & 9) they couldn’t wipe their own backsides (apparently mum did it for them). Obviously not when they were at school!!! Couldn’t help themselves to a drink or anything in the kitchen. Even now they can’t make toast.

It’s tough as you only have them EOW (sane as us). My OH and I are on the same page and 2 years ago we got supernanny on them. They now lay the table before dinner, make their own beds, get themselves a drink and can help themselves to snacks. The 12 year old girl can’t cook anything and has little interest in learning but i’m trying to teach her some basic skills.

It’s our job as adults to teach them. Otherwise they think we’re their entitled slaves.

Because as I said, I don’t want to get to the fridge/cupboard and find something disappeared that I was going to do something with? Because some children would stuff themselves silly with all the crap if given a free rein? Because my budget is very limited?

They can have as much water or fruit from the fruit bowl as they want but the rest is off limits unless they ask.

I agree with PPs who say he sounds uncomfortable in the house. There’s not many 10 year old boys who would willingly go hungry till lunchtime. If he’ll let his dad make breakfast and not you that comes across like he feels disloyal to his mum maybe

I would just keep reminding him to help himself over and over till he eventually starts to do that

Enjoy it while it lasts, in a couple of years it will be like having a pack of ravenous wolves in the house and this will be a distant memory

He plays footie and his dad takes him to that, I leave stuff out and encourage him to help himself. He doesn't overly 'hang out' with friends and he is more that welcome to bring them here. When asked what he's been doing with his mum, it's most just hanging out - so maybe that's what he does at home. Any tips on how to make him feel more comfortable?

He's probably old enough for you to approach it more directly with him. Have you tried saying to him that you and his Dad have noticed that he doesn't always seem to feel at home, and ask if there's anything that would make him more comfortable?

Lacks motivation..

eh, he's 10! I thought by your OP he was in his late teens. I certainly don't think this behaviour is indicative of a future manchild

I felt quite uncomfortable around both my step parents and would always have refused offers of food with both of them as I felt I was bothering them. I would have waited for my parent. He does only visit EOW, which probably doesn't feel like his home.

he's TEN, everyone. He's not a "future manchild", don't be so horrible. He's behaving like a child because he's a child, furthermore he's a child who feels like a guest in someone else's house.

he's TEN, everyone. He's not a "future manchild", don't be so horrible. He's behaving like a child because he's a child,

I agree. It seems like hate towards stepchildren.

Emm..10 year old who won't make a o toast or get himself water is not normal..I know of 4 year olds who will help themselves to some food they can reach and friends 7year old can make himself a sandwich...

On the other hand I have a 11year old boy in the family who is spoon fed by his mum and sleeps with her and his step dad in one bed. He does absolutely nothing for himself. Won't take a dirty cup to a sink etc. Definitely a future man child. His parents are enabling it.

It has nothing to do with "hate towards stepchildren"..just bad parenting.

white your example is quite extreme, but it isn't always bad parenting, it's just parenting differently. Everyone on this thread has their own ideas about what a 10 year old should be doing. A poster said a 12 should be able to cook meals, I would not expect that at all. It doesn't mean that either of us are bad though.

I think what a lot of people fail to consider is the dynamic in the step situation. I treated my father's house as my own until my step mum came along (I was early teens). I suddenly felt like a guest in her house and would not have loaded/unloaded the dishwasher for example in front of her. She said I was lazy and couldn't do anything for myself. This was further compounded by my father saying I did everything before she came along, so they both thought I was taking advantage. I really wasn't, I simply was unsure of the new dynamic and unless I was told to do something I didn't, as I didn't want her to feel I was stepping on her toes.

I agree with pps. I don't think it's an independence issue or expecting to be waited upon. It's because he doesn't feel comfortable in what he sees as your home. Even tho' his df lives there with you, in his experience, it's the woman who's in charge of domestic stuff. It doesn't matter how long he's known you. He only visits once a fortnight. He doesn't live with you. He feels like a guest. Guests don't really 'make themselves at home', even if they're told to. And food is likely to come up as an issue, because when you're uneasy or nervous, you don't feel like eating.

I think you might have to accept that this is how it is and go with what he feels comfortable with. The arrangements aren't going to change to more frequent visits. If anything, you're moving into the age-group where there will be a clash between his social life with his friends and activities and regular visitation. Perhaps, in time, he will get over feeling awkward as he matures, but making an issue of it now and trying to change things will make it worse.

It's really hard because we don't do anything (that we are aware of) to make him feel uncomfortable. We have moved recently, but made him very involved in designing the house etc. We have a strong relationship with his mum, spent Christmas/birthdays together etc. She did recently admit that she was upset to discover the DSS didn't know how to wash dishes..... so maybe he doesn't do much at home with her and we should try (collectively) so up skill him a bit more around the house!

OP yes help him upskill and make it clear what you expect from him. Always lots of 'our house' talk may make him feel less of a guest.

I have older kids who have grown up with dishwashers so have never washed a dish. (They've loaded and unloaded the dishwasher though)

Take the consoles and screens away. I’m not joking. He won’t do anything for himself, go anywhere or have friends over because his sole focus is his screens. Take it away and you will be amazed at the transformation.

I’ve done it myself btw and it’s fantastic. But they are my own children. You’ll need your DH on board. Possibly tricky. I know my ex would never have agreed to it if he were still here.

Or he'll refuse point blank to go to his father's house because his stepmother has punished him by taking his tech (an known punishment for ten year old boys) when he's done nothing wrong.

Well that’s not how it would be done. If done properly. Obviously.

Eh. Kids can be very unpredictable when it comes to what they'll interpret as a punishment. If taking his tech is usually used as a punishment, he's not going to respond brilliantly to it no matter how you wrap it up.

There’s always one

As far as the breakfast and food thing goes,I was making breakfast and snacks for my DC when they were 10 and DH still will now (at 18... ) if looked at pathetically enough.
But DS isn't a man child,he is perfectly capable of feeding himself,he does housework,he can cook meals.I wasn't making him breakfast at ten because I didn't care if he was independent as an adult,I just didn't care if he was independant in that way at ten.DSis and I grew up with an in-house grandmother, there were many,many household tasks we never did cos she was so determined to do it all,but we have grown up to be normal independant people capable of cleaning toilets and hoovering...
I think what is important is the relationship and the long term goals.
Children aren't spoiled by the adults who love them sometimes doing things for them that they can do for themselves.Never being expected to do anything,yes.

DSS is 10, and gets his own drinks, can make toast. He can be reluctant at times, but now we've stopped obliging when he asks us to get him a glass of milk, or run his bath.
He's capable of getting his own breakfast, and will do so after giving up holding out for a bacon sandwich lol.
I don't know what he does at his mums though, we've picked him up at 3pm before and he says he's not eaten a thing.