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Step-parenting

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Original poster

My partner is ending our relationship because of his children.

45 replies

sallysally1974 · 07/04/2018 18:46

My partner is ending our relationship because of his children. His ex-wife is a therapist with BPD borderline personality disorder and she controls all of them. He says he is fed up that I can't be more involved with parenting and that my big sister approach is not enough.

I feel pushed back by them and think that the ex is bad mouthing me and him. He doesn't believe my observations. He is a very gullible person and can't see any of this. He is now saying altgough he is very happy with me he thinks he needs to end the relationship. His ex has always treated him like a servant and I think she just wants him to be more available. At the same time she lives in the family house with a new boyfriend - she was the one who first started seeing other people.

I find it all so terribly sad.

OP posts:
WeekendNews9 · 08/04/2018 20:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SandyY2K · 08/04/2018 21:27

His ex has basically honey trapped him at work - he was her boss and made him leave his first marriage and children.

Nonsense. She's not got magic powers. He got seduced...that's on him. Was he incapable of saying " I'm married. I'm not interested in you".

Nobody can make you leave your marriage. He crossed the line by having an affair with his subordinate...he was probably lured with off the charts sex.. that's on him.

Sorry...but I have lost any sympathy I might have had. He's always been a weak man
..and the Ex mistress/wife has played him like a fiddle to get the most financially. More fool him.

He'll be paying for her for a long time ...because he was incapable of being faithful.

I bet his first wife would be thinking this is great karma for him.

lattewith3shotsplease · 08/04/2018 21:27

OP,
Just give up and leave this relationship is going nowhere.

Stop making excuses for you partner too......he's an adult, I assume Hmm

SandyY2K · 08/04/2018 21:34

During the relationship she has kept him like a servant, spend all money and isolated him from his friends and family... it goes on but this person still has a shocking influence on him.

He needs therapy to dig deep and explore why he so easily left his first wife and children.

Why did he stand for being treated like crap in the relationship? He's been abused by her ... but she could see his weakness as a man and she had no problem getting him.to do exactly what she wanted. He's very beta. Intense therapy is what he needs.

Dozer · 09/04/2018 08:53

Foolish decision to get involved with a man like this.

Talith · 09/04/2018 09:00

I'd put money on him being the problem, not the XW. I expect he is brilliant at making himself appear to be the birdie with a broken wing, not a twat who repeatedly makes collosally shite decisions.

jaimelannistersgoldenhand · 09/04/2018 09:01

He's done you a massive favour. Someone in his situation can't be in a relationship because he chooses to be a doormat to his ex.

lunar1 · 09/04/2018 09:14

Where are his first children in all this? Confused

Original poster
sallysally1974 · 10/04/2018 04:54

The oldest is fully under her influence the second oldest is much wiser and you can guess what she is thinking of the situation.

I guess I have to blame myself for believing I can manage this! I never had a chance as long my expartner doesn’t change his weak ways! She want change, when I first met her I knew she was a bad person. I’ve learned it the hard way. Still feeling sad about the loss and the time I’ve waisted.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 10/04/2018 17:17

He's very weak indeed. Best it ends now before another woman honey traps him away from you.

He left a wife and children without a second thought for his mistress....you'd be left in the blink of an eye (nor married and no kids) if he was in that situation again.

namechange2222 · 10/04/2018 17:24

A person diagnosed with BPD during training to become a counsellor?? And still goes on to qualify? Wouldn't have happened at my training Uni
Are you sure this is all real information?

SandyY2K · 10/04/2018 18:53

A person diagnosed with BPD during training to become a counsellor?? And still goes on to qualify?

I wondered this as well. I'd be surprised if the BACP allowed this to happen if she actually had the condition during training.

BACP applies to UK only, so I don't know the standards or regulations in other parts of the world.

People are queried extensively about historic mental health conditions...never mind on going ones....and in.some cases further medical information is required.

Original poster
sallysally1974 · 10/04/2018 23:58

She was diagnosed as just below clinical bpd. At the same time she was having a long emotional affair with her lecturer. Maybe she manipulated him into letting it go through... She has but herself as a teenager and nowadays wear bangles to hide it. Also, she burnt herself when my partner asked her for divorce (this was when she already had a boyfriend). She is English and is a BACP approved councillor.
I know what you mean, one would think that a councillor needs to be a grounded sound person, but I seem to wrong there...

OP posts:
Original poster
sallysally1974 · 10/04/2018 23:59

I meant she has cut herself

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 12/04/2018 00:46

I guess it also depends on whether she declared her MH issues when applying for membership. Although just because she has or had a MH condition doesn't automatically preclude her from being a counsellor.

Pity your Ex didn't see this side of her when she honey trapped him eh.

Tbh the whole thing sounds dodgy to me ...because her lecturer....who should also have been a qualified counsellor was behaving unethically if they had a relationship too.

You can't be teaching about boundaries and breach those very boundaries yourself.

Whyarealltheusernamestaken · 12/04/2018 00:49

Sounds like you should be glad, it was never going to work :(

MistressDeeCee · 12/04/2018 01:00

It doesn't matter if she has BPD does it? Your ex likes the set up and either pretends to you he hates being controlled, or you are choosing to believe that as you don't want to accept he doesn't want a relationship with you. If he did, then he'd stay with you & even if it were true why would you want a controlled man anyway, that's no use to you at all.

She "made" him leave his 1st wife and children. To even think/say that is incredible. So what you're saying is this man has no backbone and can be pushed from pillar to post. Funnily enough tho - you can't make him stay with you..

All the criticising you're doing of his ex is going to do zero to help you. You'd be best to stop deluding yourself and believing fairy stories, and move on.

Also if a man criticises the mother of his children - apart from him being an idiot, often men don't want YOU to join in with criticising her. They've a skewered loyalty and after a while will just back away from you.

You don't know that he hasn't mentioned your criticism in front of her and/or the children. From the way you talk it does sound as if you've been doing that..

You should've known better and kept quiet

Original poster
sallysally1974 · 12/04/2018 04:47

I agree!

OP posts:
Original poster
sallysally1974 · 12/04/2018 10:40

Are you a counsellor? You seem to know your way round this. I brought up the xw situation to explain why the kids might be confused not paint a bad picture. I don’t blame anyone for their mh condition I am just saying it crates a diffrent dynamic. Also, my partner and I have never discussed the mother in front of the girls we are both responsible people. I would never du that!

OP posts:
Original poster
sallysally1974 · 12/04/2018 10:41

I meant to reply to SandyY2K

OP posts:
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