AIBU adult step daughter potentially moving in

[Fortybingowings]

I know there’s another similar thread but I didn’t want to hijack the OPs thread.
Me and DH have two kids under 5 at home. Step daughter is aged 29 and never had a proper job having left school with no qualifications. She split up with her ex BF and is moving out. She has a part time job paying £120 per week and struggled to work full time due to anxiety. She is having trouble finding a flat to rent due to her lack of funds. The question of her moving in here is raised and I can see it wouldn't be a short term thing. She is a regular weed-smoker and we have had one massive row in the past when we didn’t speak for around 6m. This was after I called her out on a few things like taking responsibility.
AIBU to say a flat NO to her moving in? I have two kids under 5.
For the record I think she needs to get a proper job and stand on her own two feet. She is 30 next year. We could just about subsidise her rent but we’d have to act as guarantee on the contract.
Living with her mum isn’t an option either as she’s in another city

YANBU and it would be a no from me.

She’s an adult, it’s tough shit really that she doesn’t want to flat share when she’s obv working very part time hours! If she wants her own place then she needs to work full time. I would just tell her that she won’t be moving in and that she needs to get a flat share as she is an adult, if she moved in with you she would be sharing?!
And while she’s in her flat share she can work towards actually working full time to earn more money to rent her own space.

I would not have a women move in to my house when I have 2 kids below 5 that smokes weed and is basically lazy.

If she doesn’t want to flat share then she will have to move to her mums city and let her be a gaurentor, as I wouldn’t sign up for that either

Her mum is on benefits and never worked, so couldn’t guarantor

Don't let her move in. There will then be no motivation for her to find her own place, a full time job etc. You'll be stuck with her for years.

She needs to be brought down a peg or two. It doesn't matter where she wants to live, she has to live where she can afford to. I lived in bedsits and shared flats, just like loads of others. Not because we wanted to but because that is all we could afford at the time.

Noooooooooooo
Just that really, if you let her stay at your place, she will make it her home, (with all the crap that entails) and you'll never have your house to yourself again. Help her all you can, to stand on her own two feet, but dig your heels in and refuse to let it happen!

No. It’s just going to cause stress to you, your kids, the household and enable her to delay the inevitable growing up.

Because of this:

She is a regular weed-smoker and we have had one massive row in the past when we didn’t speak for around 6m. This was after I called her out on a few things like taking responsibility.

If she is that passive aggressive about you and needing her to grow up it will be absolutely dreadful.

My 22 year old DSD would have liked to move in with us —(her Mum wanted her out)— recently She is the same, except works only 4 hours a week and moans about it. Very resentful and aggressively ignored me and my DS for months when she lived with us. I told DP no way, I have a 5 year old SEN child and will protect my own kids first. It’s different if we could actually help them, I would have helped my DSD, but not if they are just resentfully treating you like a hotel. No way! DP is a bit rubbish and said he feels he’s abandoned her. It’s ridiculous and it’s not parenting.

YANBU

If she stopped smoking weed she could afford to pay rent and it would help her anxiety. Be careful about becoming guarantors as she may decide that she won't pay any rent in future.

I think you could help her with a flatshare deposit but nothing more as she needs to grow up.

Don't let her stay with you and don't, whatever you do, be a guarantor. She could stop paying rent after the first month and you'd have to pay it. Seriously - don't even consider it.

She's 29. She's working part-time and smoking weed. She wants her own place? Well then, she has to work full-time and give up the weed. Nothing else for it.

You'd be absolutely crazy to let her stay with you or to be a guarantor.

Another one who wouldn't say yes to her moving in. Support her to get on the right track but only if encouraging independence.

Can't believe she's being so precious about accommodation. If she wants somewhere better to live then work more hours.

No way. God, some ‘kids’ take no responsibility for themselves, no wounder you hear the term ‘snowflake generation’ so much. Her own parents should of taught her some independence and self respect.

She’s not even a kid, at 29 she’s a grown woman. By taking her in you are supporting her current lifestyle. Must be so tough only working PT, smoking weed, not wanting to share a flat or a bathroom.....

You have to show some tough love or she’s never going to get a grip or grow up.

She won’t consider a house share as she wants her own space, toilet, lockable door

Sorry but this really made me laugh!
If she wants that then she can stop smoking weed and get a full time job to pay for it!

And I’m preauming she won’t get any of these at your place?

There is no way I’d agree to her moving in. It sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.

I’m another one who agrees that the biggest thing she can do to help reduce anxiety and get more motivated is not to

• move back in to indulgent Dad and resenntfullh ignore SM and treat a family home like a doss pad.
• but to give up smoking weed

Seriously! If she needs help with counselling costs to achieve this, do it!