I’ve lost all respect for DP. Is there any way back?

[Sammysees]

I have been in my dsd life for 5 years. She is a challenging child but this is down to the parenting (or lack of!) and I in no way blame her for it. But she is extremely difficult to live with. She is coming up to 10 yo. We have her 2 nights in the week and every other weekend Friday to Sunday evening. My problem is the lack of parenting. I think my DP is what is known as a Disney dad. Unfortunately her dm is a Disney Mum! I have tried to set some boundaries over the years but I don’t get any back up and as a step parent I am limited. I do have a good relationship with dsd. I do crafts with her, take her girly shopping and day trips but it’s getting to the point where I’ve lost all respect for my DP. Every single time she comes over she sits down to eat, says it looks disgusting and gets hysterical. She then flounces out of the room crying and wailing. Ten minutes later she’ll be back and eat everything on the plate. This happens at every meal time. She is generally a cry baby and very attention seeking. Can I say though that the attention is always on her when she comes and she does do father/daughter time on her own with dad too. She also is 3 stone overweight and wets the bed every single night (here and at mums). I told my DP 2 years ago to take her to the Dr, which he did. The Dr ordered blood tests but she is refusing to have them and neither of her parents have made her. Also in the 5 years I’ve known her she has never had a good word to say about anyone. She is nasty to all of us and is always telling us we look old/fat/ugly. But at school she is completely different. Quiet, shy, doesn’t say boo to a goose.
It’s not dsd who is frustrating me though. It’s DP. I’ve tried talking to him about it but he gets so defensive and starts picking holes about my DS (18 yo and off to uni in Sept). I’m ready to walk away from my relationship because of this. Has anyone else been through this and can give me some advice? I feel like I’m treading on egg shells in my own home and that my dsd is either a very unhappy little girl or completely spoilt! But what can I do if neither of her parents will listen?

As you say, this is a parenting issue, she has been seriously let down by both parents! Sadly, there is nothing you can do for her or, apparently for your DP, and I can so understand you losing respect for him!
So, I suppose you have to look at your life going forward, be aware this will not end as the child grows older! If there is not a radical change of parenting, the situation can only get worse as the child becomes a young woman, and you need to consider the impact that will have on how you feel about DP....and consequently (and importantly) your quality of life!
Maybe, writing a letter spelling out your worries for your DP and his DC's future would help. You could go on to say, that as things stand now, and with no help/change, you can see his and his DC's lives spiralling out of control. Finally, explaining that, if he (truly) wants your help in getting his DC's life on to a more even track, then you'll be there for him. But, if he doesn't think he needs/wants/intends to make any changes, then you cannot go on living with it.
I really hope he sees sense, but you must make a decision based on your well being, and that of your son....good luck!

@Qvar

Fuck off Sandy. Bedwetting isn't a parenting issue, it's a hormone imbalance
How eloquent of you.

It's a parenting issue when the parents don't seek help. Wetting the bed at 10 years old is not normal.

Sounds like you'd be just like the parents in question and this has touched a raw nerve for you.

The doctors suggested a blood test and that never happened. On what planet is that good parenting. It's neglectful... and any half decent parent who has a 10 year old wetting the bed would look into it...not say they'll grow out of it. *wearing a nappy to sleep at 10 is an issue. Failing to understand it's an issue that requires exploration ... raises questions about your mental capacity.

I agree Sandy. If the doctor had ordered blood tests on my ds I’d sit on him to make sure it was done. To just not bother because she doesn’t want to is appalling. What if there is something wrong?
I guess what I should have mentioned before (which is more than relevant) is that my DP father abandoned him when he was 11 and he’s never seen him since. This has impacted his own way of parenting. I have tried to explain to him but he won’t listen. I could write pages and pages of bad decisions from DP and pages and pages of bad behaviour from dsd. HE (and Mum who is even worse) have made her an entitled princess. I am going to do as Widgin advised and write it all down for him. One last attempt. Because he is a good man apart from this issue.

It's a bit like the DH and ex are 'inflicting' a difficult to love DD on each other. Who would buy sausage rolls etc after school. Who would ignore bed wetting. Surely she is old enough for sleep overs with friends, which won't happen with this problem.

Has anyone mentioned these behaviours to her school? Don’t know if you would feel it’s your place to do so, but in terms of getting professionals involved it might be a good start...I know you say she’s quiet at school but they might be able to help arrange counselling or getting a psych involved, or even just offer you a bit of support.

Is there any chance at all that she could be on the spectrum? I'm only asking because I wet the bed until my early teens no matter what we tried, I had tantrums at home but was quiet at school, only liked certain foods and so on. If she has any special interests that would possibly be an indicator?

(I know you can't diagnose over the Internet and that those behaviours can all be because of other things including lack of routines perhaps, but just in case, as it's often missed in girls as it exhibits differently.)

Im not an expert on autism/aspergers but my own ds (18) does have signs of aspergers. He doesn't want to go down the diagnosis route however. Dsd in my opinion doesn't show any signs of being on the spectrum but I will look into that again. DP family all live abroad (Ireland and America) so getting family involved not so easy either. I appreciate all your suggestions though. Dsd also does a lot of activity. This is pushed onto her by her dm as she says its activity that will help her lose weight rather than diet!!! I have tried talking to her dm and so has dp but she doesn't listen. (Or she does and then completely ignores anything you have to say!) DSDs activities on a weekly basis include: swimming, 2 x dance classes, gymnastics and trampolining. I will definitely talk to her about the bed wetting and see what she thinks. Unfortunately she doesn't like talking about anything difficult so may not be easy. But luckily I do have a good relationship with her and she would rather spend time with me than anyone else. I guess I have to make more of an effort to break down barriers rather than disengaging which is what I have been doing. Thanks everyone, I really do appreciate all the input.

SandyY2k, you are so far off target you are making a parody of yourself.

SOME children wet the bed because of trauma. SOME children wet the bed because their hormonal system failed to mature enough to keep their kidneys from producing urine at night.

IF I was one of "those" parents, I wouldn't bother correcting people who are too blinkered by their own unjustified sense of superiority to understand the varying reasons behind bedwetting and the trauma it not only produces, but can produce. Maybe your assumption that I am one of "those" parents is in fact the sure knowledge that in your ignorance, you would be at a loss yourself if your child was still not dry at night at the heady age of ten years old?

Of course the parents should have followed through on the medical testing. Some parents DO follow through, on everything offered, and their older child continues to wet the bed through no fault of anyone's, least of all their own.

You HAVE touched a nerve, and you know you have. That's why you carried on being offensive, to keep touching that nerve - not because I am one of "those" parents who ignore medical advice, but because you made me realise the prejudice kids STILL face, even from adults like you who really should know better, simply because bedwetting is not understood and is assumed to be either deliberate or ignored. How horrible for those kids, and how horrible for their parents, that some people are still in the 'rub their nose in it' mindset.

Im not sure if I'm reading things wrong here Qvar but I think Sandy was trying to say that it IS a parenting issue because they are not doing anything about it rather than anything else. Of course a child can be wetting the bed for various reasons. And of course thats not anybodys fault let alone the child. But its when no one will do anything about it that it becomes a problem. If her parents had done all they could to make sure it wasn't a physical or emotional problem and she was still wetting the bed then fair enough. But we don't know what the problem is. And thats where the bad parenting comes in. And its not just the bed wetting problem. There is a host of other problems too - that all come down to bad parenting. I've been thinking about all the comments that have been made, trying to see if I've missed something. If there is aspergers or anxiety. But I honestly think she is just a very spoilt little girl that is lazy and entitled. And no, its not her fault. She is a product of how her parents brought her up. Until I can get my DP to take that on board I don't know where to go from here.

Spoilt, lazy entitled 10 year old little girls STILL don't piss the bed to spite their parents

I'm not saying that is the problem. But no one is trying to find out if there is an actual problem! Mental or physical! Thats the only reason Sandy (and I) think it is bad parenting. I'm not an expert on bed wetting and I've never had to deal with it before. I don't know whether ALL the problems I am having with dsd are physical, mental or parenting issues. Or a mixture of all 3. Its the fact that neither of her parents are addressing it. I certainly don't want to cause offence to anyone. I just came on for some advice.

Sorry, I definitely didn't mean to internet diagnose, it was just a thought :-)

Have you sat down and had a very serious chat with your DP about this? About his total lack of parenting? Have you actually said the words to him about HIS attitude, rather than just complaining about his daughter?

Qvar "SOME children wet the bed because their hormonal system failed to mature enough to keep their kidneys from producing urine at night."

Then her parents should get the blood tests done as advised by her doctors.

So if it is an hormone imbalance, the parents are not doing their duty in encouraging medical tests and treatments- which supports Sandys statement it is be a parenting issue one way or another.

So i think you should apologise telling her to fuck off when she was making a valid point.

I appreciate the thought Pilf. That was the reason in coming on here. To see if there was anything I hadn't thought of. Yes green I have. I think deep down he knows there is a problem and he's burying his head in the sand because he doesn't want to deal with it! We have dsd now until Sunday evening but I will sit down with him again and tell him straight. Selfishly I have not pushed it too much (although have mentioned my concerns before) because he is so defensive about her. I will need to come up with ways of doing it without putting anyone down. Unfortunately I think he will just say she'll grown out of it. If that is the case I need to question my relationship with him. I don't want to be with someone I can't respect.
Cherry - thank you. I feel it is a parenting issue whether she has a physical problem or not.

The Dr ordered blood tests but she is refusing to have them and neither of her parents have made her

This is seriously negligent and could have medical repercussions. It's also not a criticism of her, so try that when you speak to DP.

Wetting the bed every night at her age is not normal! She also needs help with her weight.

Seriously, do not let him wriggle out of his responsibilities.

Having had lots of couples counselling with XHB I learnt a few tips for talking without fighting. It doesn’t always work but if you try your best to keep calm (I’m a real shouter so this is not easy!) and by approaching a serious chat like you might if it were with a colleague that can help. Also ask for a short period of time in which he isn’t allowed to interrupt you while you present your views/complaints/wishes, then allow him the same time in return that can help.

Another good tip to diffuse anger/defensive reactions (although this isn’t a fail safe particularly if the party you’re talking to KNOW they’re not entirely in the right & their defenses are heightened) is to not place any blame. Make it “this situation is making ME FEEL helpless and trapped etc” rather that “you/DSD are making me feel trapped” if you see what I mean. It means you’re describing how an abstract-the situation rather than an individual - is affecting you. It makes it more objective and less blames and hopefully easier to work together to solve it.

Deep breaths, rescue remedy and bucketfuls of courage for you.

Writing down what you need to say might also help so you don’t get distracted if he chucks a strop mid talk.

Thanks Viking. They are some good tips. He does lose his temper fairly quickly when he's trapped into a corner. (He's never violent I hasten to add!) I'm not sure when I'll have a chance to talk to him. Not until Monday probably. We have dsd till Sunday evening and we are both normally shattered by the time she goes home. Not a good time to start a conversation like that! And I don't want to do it whilst she is there. Will keep you posted!

I think Sandy was trying to say that it IS a parenting issue because they are not doing anything about it rather than anything else.

Exactly what I was saying.

But no one is trying to find out if there is an actual problem! Mental or physical! Thats the only reason Sandy (and I) think it is bad parenting.

You've got it right again.

@cherryontopp

Thank you for saying this.

So if it is an hormone imbalance, the parents are not doing their duty in encouraging medical tests and treatments- which supports Sandys statement it is be a parenting issue one way or another.

So i think you should apologise telling her to fuck off when she was making a valid point.

I was writing clear and plain English which @Qvar has either

1. misunderstood

OR

2. Has an issue with me (for whatever reason) and has decided to launch a deliberate unprovoked attack, swearing and hurling insults at me.

I am well aware there are various reasons for bedwetting at an older age... including trauma, anxiety and a host of other reasons.

However, it is the
parents responsibility to get to the bottom of it.

You can choose to continue attacking me if you wish, but I know I'm making perfect sense...and it's you who is on the attack. Other rationale pps can see what I'm saying.

Please ask the doctor for a referral to the enuresis clinic for the bedwetting. They have lots of strategies for bedwetting including a prescription for desmopressin.

She should not be having to deal with is this each night and neither should you