Worries over how I'm handling girlfriends sons behaviour

[Lv2305]

Hi all, so this is my first post on here and as such I do apologise if I've come to the wrong section etc but here goes.

I've currently been with my girlfriend for around 7 months and over that time i have had a large amount of involvement with her son who is 5 so we know each other quite well and this past week I have been picking him up from school and looking after him for a few hours until my better half gets home from her job that she's recently started.

The issue I've had, which admittedly has only happened once is that today, the young one seemed to be in an absolutely great mood after school and was very excited to go to my house but once he got into my car he changed his tune immediately and became very grumpy. When we went back into his house he seemed to step it up and kick off his shoes and throw his coat across the room. When I asked him politely to pick his coat up and put it on the chair he openly refused to and repeatedly did so while also telling me to be quiet. This went on for around half an hour until I told him to go to his room (I did so as I've witnessed his mum do the same for much lesser things).

When I'd said this he immediately started to scream and cry (minus the tears) and sat half way up the stairs then refused to tell me what was wrong. This carried on for around 40 minutes with him stopping at 5-10 minute intervals and coming into the room completely dry eyed and silent before the screaming begun again. Eventually He went into his room and carried on screaming until he fell asleep.

I text my girlfriend and she agreed she would have done the same but when she got home she seemed to be defending his behaviour and seemed quite annoyed with what I'd done even though she had essentially sanctioned it.

My general questions are,
Is this something I need to worry about?
Does anyone else experience this (what seems to be) crying and screaming as loud as you can until you're off the hook?

Kids are often grumpy after school.

My guess is it was novel at the start of the week but now he's tired of it and wants his mum.

Perfectly normal behaviour. I personally would do the belt and braces approach of giving him a snack as soon as he comes out of school and planning a fun activity (doesn't have to be bells and whistles, just drawing or whatever he likes) as soon as you get in.

They are utterly irrational wee tykes after school at this age. Feed the beast, then give the beast an option - swings and slides or cuddle and screen time.
But feed first!

Poor mite. He hasn't been at school long, very tired after long day, and now another change with you, who he hasn't known long, looking after him in new environment.
You need to talk to his mum about the plan for after school, and meeting his emotional and practical needs. Sometimes that means overlooking some rudeness to jolly a little one along a bit, rather than letting it escalate.

Thank you! I'll be trying these suggestions! I'm due to start a new job soon and it'll be up to me to pick him up from school so I'd like to make it as good as possible for the both of us if it's going to be a recurring arrangement. Thank you once again!

Yeah i do really feel for him. He's really used to having his mum there through the week so i can understand that it will have thrown him off, I don't blame him at all I think anyone would understand. Just need to get this right now so he gets used to it and settles into the routine, if he's happy I'm happy

This is an awful big responsibility when you have only been with your girlfriend 7 months. Most mums would still be saying you should not have even met the child yet. Where is the child's dad in all of this and why has it all fallen to you? Are you living with the mum or just doing the school run? There are hundreds of threads on this forum from step parents being expected to or taking on too much childcare way too early in the relationship and it just leads to resentment. Be wary you aren't going to end up in the same boat.
Yes this is normal behaviour for a 5 year old after a week at school.

Sounds pretty normal to me. I found that taking a snack to school (banana or sandwich usually) helped.
After school they are tired and miserable and grumpy!

This event doesn't need to be dramatised by either of you. It happens. You're testing waters, both in terms of taking on a parental role (assume you don't have children yourself?) and she's adjusting to someone else taking on her role.

What you need to both do is put the emotional part of it aside, sit down and reflect on the situation. You need to feel that she will support you when you find yourself in a position to have to discipline your child, she needs to feel confident that you are dealing with it appropriately. You need to agree how you will both handle such a situation if it happens again.

It's only something to worry about if you don't deal with it and both build up anxiety and then resentment about the situation. Talk!

I agree about taking a small snack/treat with you to give him, both my kids are always starving when they finish school even though they have had lunch and snack time.

Maybe in the morning if you see him or night before, mention your be picking him up and how about we stop at the park/play a game together/draw monsters/make some fairy cakes for mummy etc etc .. that way it gives him something to look forward to or even we can watch your fav program when you get home with a hot chocolate

Maybe the child is kicking off because they are only 5 years old and someone that their mum has only been in a relationship with for a matter of months is picking them up from school

Plenty of kids get picked up by childminders they've met once or twice before.

Judging doesn't help in this situation. You can clearly see the guy's trying his best.

Maybe the child is kicking off because they are only 5 years old and someone that their mum has only been in a relationship with for a matter of months is picking them up from school

I think this is likely the crux of the situation op you moved far too fast to be doing school runs for a child you known less than a year! Your in a new relationships and you should not be put in a parental role this early on. Mookatron I don’t think childminders are really comparable in this situation, op is a new partner who doesn’t really have much of a relationship yet with the child in question. No disrespect to op but he could have a criminal record and she has left her child unattended in her new bfs care. People are being judgy they just seen the possible reasons why this change might be reacting to the situation especially given the recent changes in his life. Is his father in his life?

I don't necessarily disagree and if the OP were the mum asking whether she should have the guy pick up her kid from school I would probably say no.

But as it is it's the bloke who's found himself in this position with clearly not much experience of small kids asking for help. So saying 'don't be in this position' is not particularly helpful. Following it up with useful advice as you have done, dancingmonkey is a bit different.

OP as others have suggested you definitely need to talk to your gf about the whole situation. In the meantime, snack and activity.

Sounds to me like your doing just fine lv2305

Is OP male or female? A lot of assumptions going on here.

But yes to snacks, distraction etc but also routine. This is now the new routine, so he needs to to know what to expect each day. Do you see him in the morning before school? Talk in the morning about what you'll do that afternoon together. Set out expectations (age appropriate obviously) and stick to them. Be consistent and keep any promises you've made about activities or entertainment. Plan small blocks of time allowing for his attention span.

Yeah you're right silver. OP could be a woman. Sorry for my assumption OP. However the advice is the same.

I think op has been left in a vulnerable situation, like I said you don’t know someone after 7months. Her child is been left in his care, he could say he’s uncomfortable with this, it’s not as if he has experience with children either from the sounds of it in his op. What would he do in an emergency? What if he needed medical attention? He has no parental responsibility to this child yet he is expected to collect and care for this child. If I was the father I would be extremely concerned.

I don’t think the sex of gender matters tbh it’s the same thing you don’t leave your dc in the care of someone you just started a relationship with.

As PPs say, small DC can be ratty after school and this one has had recent changes likely to affect his emotions and behaviour.

Bad idea for you to be so involved with your GF’s DC after such a short time.

You should take steps back and your gf should organise alternative childcare.

I think taking your cue from your GF in terms of how to treat her son, and what to do when he misbehaves isn't a bad idea. But be aware that he may find it much harder when it's you telling him off. My DD struggled a lot with being told off by pretty much anyone other than me when she was that sort of age. She would appear cocky and defiant, but when told off by someone else she would get really, really upset. She just didn't know how to take it.

So you might want to be a little gentler than your GF is herself with her son, or just not take it to heart of he does react badly - make sure you make up afterwards so he realises you still like him, even after he was told off. It's that insecurity with a new-ish relationship that's beneath it I think. He knows his mum loves him even if she's cross at him. He's not so sure about you.

Your girlfriend needs to find proper childcare for her child and not expect you to do it

She doesn’t know you, anything about you and you don’t know her either.

Be her boyfriend! Enjoy the kid free time you have with her and alone, but let her child be her responsibility.

Try being a friend first then a carer/parent. It’s tempting to discipline him following the footsteps of his mother. But you may get the ‘you're not my father’ type reaction and it’s not something you want to hear so early in the relationship! It’ll probably come later but that’s ok if you’ve established yourself as a family member later down the track. He’s only 5 and he’s spent just as much time at school as a teenager has so it can get very tiring for them! Even if it is learning through play, it’s a lot for a little brain to manage especially one who’s not quite emotionally mature. I’d take on the suggestions from others - bring a healthy snack, take him to the park or play some games at home. Unless he’s trashing the house let him be and tell him you’ll be there for him when he wants to talk or play. Don’t have any hard feelings with your gf - she probably softened when she saw her son and thought about it a little more. Talk to her about how you both think situations like this should be managed and come to an agreement. I think it’s nice that you give a shit!

In this situation I wouldn’t discipline. I’d meet from school with snack and then ignore the coat throwing. I’d make drink and more snack on a plate and put kids tv on then just sit there and watch it until the dc decided to join me and eat snack etc. A bit later I’d casually suggest picking the coat up if we were walking past it but otherwise I wouldn’t bother.

Have a bit of pleasurable easy time together.

I don’t think your girlfriend should be getting you to pick him up from school. You’ve only known each other 7 months, and he’s so young. Every day? He’s basically having his mum replaced by step Dad. After school is pretty crucial- it’s then you get to hear about their day, talk to teachers, a big transition point. Then there’s homework, or relaxing, sorting his bag, dinner.

Either she gets childcare, after school club, or does it herself. It’s not fair and is too much for you and the kid, too many complicated emotions.

Its way to soon for you to be collecting from school and acting like a parent. I don't understand why the mother - or you - would want to be doing this so early in a relationship.

You don't need to discipline much (unless he's doing something extreme) when you hardly know him. I would just have picked up the coat and said nicely 'remember next time to hang up your coat'. My 6 and 8 year olds always throw their coats on the ground out of pure forgetfulness - even though I always get to hang them up. Its not worth getting in a battle over - just remind them of the correct behaviour. A parent can bit more firm as the child knows the parent and its easier to take from them - but a new partner to the parent giving out to them sternly is not the right approach.

Children do not behave perfectly - it is normal for many children to tantrum even at age 5, and older! It is unfair on children when an adult has unrealistic expectations of how they should behave. They are learning but can be taught in a kind, co-operative way.

If I were you I would focus on making him happy and having fun and avoiding upsetting him. It would be different if you stay with his mum long term and actually become a stepfather.