Advice as step dad - loss of identity

[T4nk86]

Good morning all!

First post so please bare with me.. desperate times.

Just a quick back story - met partner 11 months ago. She has two children one aged 7 and one (now 11 months, met when he was just two weeks old). I’ve done everything I can, or so it seems to me, for all of them which includes waking eveyother day to give partner a lie in, feeding, bathing and bed time routines etc. I’d say shared responsibility when we are both at home.

Now to the point(s).. should I just take a back seat in the decision making regarding the children? For example, on times that I am up with the children, I may need to go to the toilet. I leave the youngest with he 7 year old for a few minutes whilst I relieve myself. I only ever do this in desperate times and have the door open so that I can clearly hear what is going on. Before I leave I sit the 7 year old down and explain that I needn’t him to keep a close eye and that I’m only just a few meters away.

This morning my partner came down whilst I was in the toilet and hen called me a ‘joke’ for leaving the children for a few minutes.

Would you say I was in the wrong? Each time something like this happens, or anything really, I get met with ‘they’re my children’.

Am I in the wrong here?

Thanks in anticipation.

We moved in together in December. It just made sense, at the time. Everything was wonderful..! Of course it was. We met last April, online. I’m relatively new to the area and she was just looking to chat but we soon hit it off big time.

I appreciate that it may seem that we are in a rush to separate but I have, over the months changed many things. Some I agree with but didn’t see I was doing and others, whilst I didn’t see them as being something that needed to change, I did so as I was willing to compromise on. However, the one thing I asked for her to change was to try and raise issues with me in a different way and to at least try and see things from my perspective. Being called a ‘joke’ isn’t a great way to start trying to change. I mentioned to her that she said she would try and change to be met with ‘i can’t’. Shortly after I left for work to then receive a message 5 minutes later slaying me for not asking how she was.

To be honest, I’ve ranted enough and it’s not fair as you’re all getting one side of the story and I guess I got what I wanted in that I don’t need to feel bad about this morning so I thank you all for that.

Wow I’m just amazed you met when the baby was two weeks old! I don’t think I left the house except to go to baby cafes and the doctors for weeks! Fair play to her.

How old are you both? Do you both work?

It actually reminds me of my Ex - he met his first girlfriend when she was pregnant. She had split with the father and was not one to cope in her own and immediately grabbed him as new Daddy. She made him feel wanted, needed.

He felt like a knight in shining armor. But it was a disaster. He felt increasingly responsible. There was no room for love to grow. They had nothing in common at all, she treated him like her provider and he felt utterly trapped. It traumatized him, he still feels guilty for ‘abandoning’ her. Whilst the actual Dad was pushed out.

I’d advise caution and move out. Take the next relationship really slowly. Especially if they have kids.

The reason we met was by pure chance, luck, whatever it may have been at the time. I think she was just lonely at the time having been left by the latest father whilst she was pregnant and I guess lost a lot of ‘joint’ friends through the split/abandonment or whatever you may call it. I guess we just hit it off and couldn’t ignore the connection.

I’m 31, she is 27. I work full time to provide and she is/was a stay at home mother.

I totally get why he felt the way he did/does. As said before, I have my faults but recognise them and apologise when needed. I just know deep down that regardless of what was said and done, I will be the one to blame in all of this. This post was the first I’ve mentioned anything to anyone really so no one will have heard my side.

I feel a break down coming on!

I should also add that we are in rented accommodation so no where to go. Both joint tenants on the agreement.

The first thing that I got asked in my return home (or one of the first things) was, ‘so when are you moving out’.

I do apologise. I said I was done and it’s not for etc. but it’s nice to get things off my chest.

OP, you obviously have a good heart, providing for two kids you’ve not even known for a year.

But... she sounds pretty awful, and extremely selfish. Who even moves in a guy after what, eight months, when she’s already seen two other guys desert her kids? Her eldest has seen far too much change in his short life already.

She’s got a cheek to call you a joke. Sounds a pretty crap parent herself and she actually is one!

She’ll have either some other poor mug, or worse, a complete loser, in your place and her kids lives within another year.

I think shes taking the piss out of you. Youre working full time to support a woman and her two kids that arent yours, AND you let her have a lie in every other day and youre not even allowed to go to the toilet?

I didnt take my babies to the toilet with me. I put them in the bouncy chair or the playpen when i went to the loo

I think you need to step back. Are the childrens fathers financially contributing? When do you get a break?

Fair play to you for trying! Not many men would xx

I must give her credit when it’s due.. I have left things lying around, not cleaned up after myself in a timely fashion so I guess these are the things that I didn’t see as an issue but changed anyway just to try and make her happy and secondly to keep the peace. She has been a stay at home mother and said she does everything around the house however all I really seen done is the washing up and the laundry. I darent ask what else is done. She says it’s tiring lookng after a child but I know for fact that he naps for 1hr 15 in the morning and the same in the afternoon. Just about the time it takes to put a load of washing on (morning) and to take it out (afternoon). Other than that I fail to see what else is done? I am at work all day running multiple million pound projects and I would hand in heart say that I would much rather be at home than at work.

Came home this evening to be met with ‘so when are you moving out’. Response was something like ‘Im bot loving anywhere, you do what you like’.

Not moving*

Hmm maybe she feels just as underappreciated....sounds a tad bit like ye are both feeling that way. Is there anyway ye could spend time just two of ye,try and remember what it was like,before everything got so hectic?

You're a very generous and kind hearted person no matter what she says. You're supporting a woman and her kids and being more of a dad than their bio dads who they never see.

Maybe her behaviour is why these men left her...although abandoning their children is not responsible of them.

Find yourself somewhere else to live and get yourself off the tenancy.

If anyone's a joke here it's her.

Run away as fast as you can become dc3 you have both jumped in at the deep end and she’s using up as a replacement daddy.

Op

Run for the hills!

I'm just going to add that life with small children can be really stressful and puts a huge strain on relationships, even when both parents actively wanted and chose to have children.
It's hard for you because they are not your children, you have no rights but you are doing 50% of the parenting and getting moaned at for not doing it exactly the way she would.
Only you can say if this relationship has any future, but if not, then leave before you and the kids bond to the point where leaving hurts you all too much. If you are in it for the long haul then in your shoes I'd want to adopt the kids and establish a legal bond so that the relationship with them didn't depend on the relationship with the mother. Just in case.

I think she is massively irresponsible moving in woth a man this quickly - this is not in the best long term interests of her children, to let them bond with no way of knowing how this will pan out.

I'm a little surprised that you are questioning what she does all day - have you never run a house yourself? Having children and running a house (when a partner doesn't take on any of the mental load) is exhausting!

I went to clear a drink off the coffee table as I was passing (that had been left by my DP). On moving it I noticed a coffee ring so I went to the kitchen to get a cloth. On my way to the kitchen I moved a pair of shoes I nearly fell over and then getting to the kitchen realised the polish was running low. I noted that we needed polish but couldn't remember if we needed bleach so I went upstairs to check. We did. I also noticed the bathroom bin was full - so i went eound with a bag and emotied all the upstairs bins. While in the bedroom I noticed that the wash basket (that I had empties the day before was full again). I took the washing down, emptied the wash load from earlier, put the new load on, folded clothes off the maiden, hung the new lot of wet clothes.

Clearing that one glass, left by someone else, took 2 fucking hours!

@FlippingFoal - sorry but that made me laugh sooo much. That's an excellent description of housework in a nutshell!
I'm currently working from home & am losing hours to what you've described above!
Thread hijack but had to say thanks for the laugh.

So she has 2 children by 2 men and is n’t in a relationship with either of them, and she was on the pull 2 weeks after giving birth, makes no financial contribution, and shows you no respect.

Do yourself a favour and leave her.

I put my baby in her walker or seat while I go the toilet. As long as she is safe then its all good. If she could walk I’d prob take her with me but again its as long as she was safe. If she’s that concerned then why doesn’t she step up and look after her OWN children. What does she do when she needs the toilet. I’m sorry but having two different fathers who don’t want anything to do with her or their children and meeting someone two weeks after giving birth to treat like crap will damage them far worse than anything you have done!

She should be thrilled that you have taken on such a big responsibility for her rather than belittle you. So no you are not in the wrong in the slightest.

I’m surprised she was on a dating site so soon after giving birth. Although, I’m still with my partner after giving birth, that would have been the last thing on my mind to be honest. With this happening so fast, she obviously wasn’t thinking of her children was she.they will suffer too with a breakup, even more so after two previous ex boyfriend’s disappearing.

Came home this morning to be met with ‘so when are you moving out’.

So, she’s asking when you are moving out of the house that you are paying for? How cheeky is that!

Where did you both live before you moved in together?

I think you need to pat notice to the landlord, or whatever it is to get off the tenancy, and get the hell out. I wouldn't be saying fair play to her because she scored man number three when her baby was 14 days old. I think she's taking the piss and I think you should leave so you can take yours in peace.

Maybe now you know why both the other fathers buggered off - she sounds like hard work. She should be grateful that you are doing so much for her and her kids rather than slagging you off
I was a single mum and it's tough and you often don't get much done in the day but if someone is helping with night feeds and going to work allowing me to stay at home then I'd be bloody grateful and not bitching about them!!!
Leave - find someone who deserves you!!!

What a daft idea to move in with each other so soon. It’s really unfair on the children. You are being taken for a ride. Relationships are meant to be fun and happy especially at the beginning. Why would you make th8ngs so complicated for yourself?

I would consider leaving her.

BTW I would leave an 11 month for a few moments while I went to the bathroom 🤷🏻‍♀️

My gosh I feel so sorry for you she sounds awful. I dont mean to knock you or your feelings but as a mother I just cant understand why you would gallop into a new relationship with a 2 week old, move in together and basically hand over all parental responsibility to your new boyfriend! (You sound lovely by the way and if ever I had a vacancy I'd consider you for myself, after an extremely long adjustment period of course lol)
I cannot believe the cheek of her, did she even offer to work part time to contribute toward her own children?
I'm currently a sahm myself (for 1 yr and a half now) but only because my partner/their bio dad provides well and would prefer me to do homebod stuff to make his life more comfortable and mostly so at least one of us to have maximum time bonding with the kids. If he left for whatever reason it would then become my responsibility to provide with assistance in the form of maintenance.
Absolutley no way I would expect a (hypothetical) future partner to cover our costs. I'm actually disgusted to hear it's happening in your household. I feel like your a genuinely nice person being taken for a ride. She needs to face up to her responsibilities. And how dare she call you a joke! How ridiculous shes the joke IMO.

I come from a blended family with a wonderful stepfather (step and half siblings too) but I dont think I would have respected my mum if she ever behaved like this to my step dad.

You didn't choose to have those kids with her so why should you relieve her of her duties...Its great that you are so helpful but thats not how it's supposed to be.

It could work out ok in some circumstances but if this is how she treats you now, is she really going to change?

I'm not one to say this because I do beleive in true love and all that faff but even I would encourage you to think about leaving this woman and soon. She needs to learn to take responsibility for 'her' children it seems the only way would be to leave her to it. If you did want to salvage this relationship then you would do well to find out the actual circumstances of why the other dads left, and why they dont have contact and some responsibilty to their children.
Are you able to contact them for their side of the story?
I'm already convinced its due to her behaviour. I doubt she could have had serious feelings for the last man to be able to move on so soon.
I'm going to assume the youngest will think your it's father (does she plan on correcting that at any point as that child grows up?)

Honestly If she's making you feel like crap then you should call it quits. Yes it will be sad for the kids but thats 100% her problem. You don't need to stay out of obligation or guilt. If you do, the kids will get older and it will become even more difficult.
Are you willing to live your life being bitched at for not doing everything for her (and kids who you don't owe anything to) I cant get over you not being able to even go for a piss cos she doesn't want to wake up and help with 'her' kids!
Its her job to to come up with babyproofing solutions she should have the experience with having a 7yo.
You're new to this its not your fault.
What exactly does she do when she's caught short and why hasn't she made any helpful suggestions to you, does she think you'll hold until she ready to emerge?

You deserve a better and healthier relationship. (I'm not suggesting you avoid single mum's by the way. But always be on your guard, there always has and always will be those who are looking for nothing more than a meal ticket and a free ride unfortunately)
And if its crossed your mind...DO NOT IMPREGNATE HER!!!!! It won't "fix" anything. I expect she might try and pull the 'lets have our own baby' card if you express that your not satisfied.
As for her asking when your moving out, call her bluff...make your arrangements and get out of that trap. I wish you a happy life.

I was thinking the same as ILikeMyTeaHot do not get this woman pregnant!
If she hasn't already pulled the 'lets have our own baby' card, I'd bet my house its on the horizon, or the old 'I was on the pill, but it must have somehow failed' (despite being over 99.9% effective )