photos in our home

[Rosebud4]

After a lot of time in court, our DD spends roughly equal time with Mum and Dad.

In the past, Mum has sent DD with photos of her and instructed us that DD should sleep with them. However, DD does not want to sleep with the photos and keeps them in a toy box instead. She knows where they are, she gets them when she wants them.
Mum found out and was not happy (accused us for hiding them!) and for a little while chased DD every day to ask where the photos were and to remind her to 'kiss them before she goes to sleep' . DD didn't like being checked up on so she started to pretend that she didn't know where they were.

Couple of months later, DD has turned up with a specially made photo fridge magnet of them and has been instructed to put it on our fridge. DD has done so.
Again, we have no problems with DD keeping photos of Mum (we've asked her a few times if she'd like some framed in her room)...but AIBU to think that was a little overly pushy of Mum - to get something specially made to be displayed on the fridge (not somewhere DD is often). There's no indication from DD that this is something she wants, just "Mum says..."

For context, our relationship with Mum is as bad as it could get (EA, DV you name it, she did it) but now that there's boundaries in place, it's much improved. Although we still put up with her telling DD this is not her 'real home' that Dad doesn't do things right etc.
We will just put up with the photo but I wanted to hear from others...it's not really ok behaviour from Mum, is it? If we sent the equivalent to Mum's house to go on her fridge, she would be raging...

I like the idea of covering it up...or put it on top of the fridge.

Stick it to the radiator in her room (assuming she's old enough not to kiss a hot radiator...)?

That reminds me of when my DP suggested that his ex might want to send a picture of herself that the DC could put up in their room. She chose to send an old pic of the 4 of them together, before the split. That was weird.

I think Savoy suggestion is brilliant. Play her at her own game and do a pillow picture and wait for DD to tell her mum what you and her dad did for her, priceless.

Otherwise, magnet in her room on the radiator.

Exh was a little bit like this. When he moved out I moved some stuff around and framed some pictures etc and he got a bit upset as there were none of him. I kind of understood it so I got one of him and DD's which is in the lounge. It annoys me a bit but he's their Dad and part of their family so it seems fitting that have him there amidst the other family pics-this being their home as much as mine.
I note he has zero pics of me in his house though .
I wouldn't take kindly to having to have things he'd sent and ordered me to put on the fridge however-it has to be your choice.

Take an unflattering selfie of her on your phone...then blow it up into a huge canvas and hang it over the fireplace with the curtains open.

Interesting how some people try to infiltrate there way into your space . My Dh ex sent stuff with the nearly adult dsd every week - caused lots of rows - included kitchen equipment, bedding , furniture , family memory things ( kids first pictures etc ) . Apparently this is reasonable behaviour . I still have boxes and boxes of her stuff in my house .

A cheap fun way to create a magnetic board for her room (DSD could help too): take old no longer needed metal baking trays, paint the backs in funky colours (whatever leftover paint you might have kicking around) and hang them on the wall. The round trays can look really fun on kids' walls. We also did one tray with blackboard paint. Then the trays work as magnetic boards for pics or whatnot. The blackboard ones could be written on with chalk as well as being magnetic for pics and things.

Sorry you're going through this OP. Hope you find a satisfying solution ( bottom of the toilet tank )

Hahahaha, I'm spluttering on my coffee as I read this!
Talk about, a controlling, devious, envious, hysterical ex wife....you've got one right there!! She's so afraid of her DD having a nice time at yours, she's willing to compromise her DD's well being, by haunting her like a vengeful spectre!
Don't involve the child, but return all photographic items, bar one picture, which could be framed and put on DSD's bedroom wall. Tell Ex, that you don't need or require any more photos...thanks very much!
Hahaha...sorry can't stop laughing at this!

Eddie I see a trip to the council trip in your future!

Oh it's silly isn't it! My stepson's mum went through a phase of this. He had his pony at our house, which was cute as can be, as screensaver on his phone. One day as I was driving him home he said "oh I need to change the picture, I nearly forgot." Turns out his mother had told him to "get that ugly thing off your phone" and made him put a photo of her dog! Even her dog arrived because we had got a Labrador that he loved, so she went out and got one. I used to find it so stupid it amused me.

I'd be inclined to get some fridge magnet letters and amuse myself writing captions for her photo (which might also need changing on the days your step daughter arrives!).

As much as it seems abundantly clear that this woman is a control freak, I would be concerned that DSD has in fact told her she doesn’t know where the pictures of her are, and that she’s told you that she doesn’t want to sleep with them.

It sounds to me as if some of what she is saying to you is to placate you and not let on that she does care about her mum, otherwise she would simply have told her that she slept with the pictures and the mum would never have been any the wiser.

Thanks for all the creative suggestions.

@ChaosNeverRains yes, we did consider that possibility and that's part of the reason why we offered to frame the photos. I don't think she's necessarily 'hiding' them in the toy box though - she puts things she likes/wants to keep safe in there, so I think that (in DD's own little way) it shows that she is being caring of Mum...just not in the way that Mum wanted!

I’d go and chuck it in her toy box, no way in hell would I have that on my fridge. Ever! And then I would get a nice picture cushion of you, you dh and dd and send it home with her to place on her bed to kiss before going to sleep every night.

But if my SD come here with a magnet of her mum I’d tell her to take it home full stop, this is my house and I won’t have pictures of her mum in it.

What age is your DSD?

For a start, the mother shouldn’t be dictating what goes on in your house. It has nothing to do with her. All she needs to know is that her DD is taken care of properly. She’s being controlling and manipulative. The fact that her daughter has started lying to her is quite troubleing. I’d say it was abusive what you’ve described.

The magnet thing is just stupid. As if you want to look at her mug everytime you go to get something out of the fridge. I quite like the idea suggested by Someknobend about seding it back with a note. I wouldn’t give it to the child to give her tho. I’d send it in the post to her.

We’ve dealt with something similar with the ex saying inappropriate things to the children about their dad not loving them. It’s only improved recently because we now have a child of our own and presumably, she doesn’t want her child missing out so she’s not too bad in her behaviour now.

It’s a hard situation to try to stop as if you do the same back to her, the daughter will be traumatized as she already has one parent doing it. On the other hand, by not saying anything, your confirming in a way what she is saying is the truth.