Moving in with partner - more nervous than I thought i'd be! Help!!

[uka888]

Hi,

I have been dating my partner for nearly 3.5 years. For the last year I have been really ready to move in with him as I've been staying at his on average 6 nights a week, spent 3 weeks there at Christmas and have felt really happy. It has seemed silly my house sitting there empty.

He has two boys 5 and 7 who I get on great with, they don't live with him full time but stay 1/2 nights a week each weekend and extra in the holidays.

We had spoken about me moving in for a long time, he knew I was ready but I know he was nervous about it, our whole relationship has gone gradually, I didn't meet his children until we had been together around 8 months, I used to stay 2/3 nights a week then over time it evolved to get to me been there pretty much all the time. We have been on holidays together with and without the children. It feels like we are pretty much already a family.

A couple of weeks ago he finally asked me to move into his! I am not going to sell my house, I'm going to be letting it out. It's only 15 minutes down the road from my house and where my parents live. So I'm not moving far or away from friends, family, work etc but I'm surprised at how emotional/nervous I feel mixed in with excited!

We have spoken honestly about it and he has admitted he is also scared. He had a bad experience with his ex (mum of his children) who told him he was a nightmare to live with, and now he thinks he is, and living together wasn't good and he's scared it will change us. He has lived alone for 4 years now (although I have been there a lot the last two years!) so is a little worried about loosing his independence. He also wants to be able to have his children extra days/nights when he wants to and worries I suddenly won't want that. I've said I'm nervous too because I really want it to feel like my home and I want him to be excited.

He said he is excited and he knows its the right thing and there isn't anything wrong with been a bit scared. I'm glad we have been honest with each other but I just wanted to know is this normal?! We have a great relationship, I just didn't expect to feel this nervous and emotional about moving in when in essence all that is changing is I'm letting out my house as I've pretty much been living at his for a while anyway!

Has anyone got any tips on moving in with their partner?
How to make the transition work and for us both to feel we still have our independence?
How to make sure our relationship doesn't loose its spark?

Any tips at all would help as I'm freaking out a little!!

Can you afford to keep your house empty for a couple of months whilst you transition to living at your DP's full time? So only go back there to pick up your post or whatever? I know you're already staying over 6 nights a week but having that breathing space/bolt hole makes a massive difference IMO. Is the day a week when you don't stay over one of the days he has his kids? If so how will they feel about you always being there when they see their dad?

The good thing is that you are both communicating already. Keep that up and be honest with each other.

Are your views on how he raises/disciplines his boys similar to your own. As you have known him/them for a while you should have an idea about this. Discuss up front whether you will be able to tell them off etc if not sticking to agreed family rules so it doesn't happen and it comes as a shock to people.

Hi TempusEejit well that's what I've been doing since Christmas really - just been popping back to my cottage 1 night every couple of weeks to check post etc. I've stayed at mine maybe 4 nights since Christmas. The night I didn't stay there used to be a night the children were there but that changed slightly a couple of months ago as the nights they stayed changed so they seem to be quite used to me being there most of the time they are there. I help with the bedtime routine etc and we have our routine in the mornings when the children are there. I realize it is important for him and the children to have some alone time and I want to try and make a conscious effort to be the one to initiate this.

Allthebest - yes we have similar views on the boys behavior etc. For the last couple of years he has been happy for me to tell them off if they are misbehaving and he encourages me to do this in front of the boys so they are quite good at respecting what I ask, although I feel too harsh to really tell off so I often tell him too tell them off so I'm not the baddie!!

I guess I want him to not feel suffocated with me being there every night but at the same time I don't want to feel like I have to go out! I've never lived with a partner before, just friends, so I just want to try and ensure nothing changes. And he's only had a bad experience living with someone. Do you think its normal we are both a bit nervous?!

My advice would be not to move into his but to get somewhere together. It will never be your house and you will always feel like an outsider :(

Yes I'd say it's normal to be nervous, in fact I think it's a good thing because hopefully you're not going into this with some romanticised notion of playing happy families where everything will be rosy.

I also moved into my DH's house by stealth i.e. just spending more and more time there until it seemed silly to be paying rent elsewhere. Personally for me as soon as that option was taken away I felt a bit suffocated. Having said that I moved to a different part of the country to be with DH so I didn't have any other support close by. Would you be able to stay over at your parents occasionally if you need a breather?

The thing I would be most careful about is once you've moved in officially and you're no longer a "guest" in his house (albeit a guest who was nearly always there!) that subtle shift in dynamic can gradually lead to more and more expectations being put upon you regarding your role with the DC. I see you already help with the bedtime routine etc - beware that the stuff you do for his kids doesn't turn into your official role. Men often forget that their new partner isn't just there to slot into the place that mum used to occupy, it's almost like they think that the previous family dynamic just picks up where they left off except with the new partner in place of their previous one. DO NOT let this happen! Your DP needs to treat you as his girlfriend/partner first and foremost, not a new co-parent, and always be appreciative that anything you do for his kids is a favour to him, not your actual responsibility. Many of the resentments you see on this board are because the stepmum is being taken for granted.

Thank you - that is good advice. He appreciates everything I do at the moment and I want to maintain that - for a long time now we have had our 'roles' in the house for example I do the food shop each week, cleaning, ironing, he'll do the washing/drying, gardening, if he cooks i'll clean up after etc or visa versa. He's always tried to made me feel very at home - ive had friends over for a glass of wine etc.

So in theory the only thing to change really is that my house will have tenants in it rather than being empty! I guess all couples with or without children involved take a few months to adjust living with each other don't they.

Our long term plan is that we won't stay at his forever, just at the moment it makes sense it is a house we both like, closer to my work than my house, large rooms, nice area etc .

I just want neither of us to feel any pressure by me 'officially' moving in if that makes sense!

Hmmm op - I think nerves are normal but it does seem a little like your gut is telling you something is off.
My advice would be to listen to it.
I have two of my kids (young teens) living with me. Dp has three whom he sees eow. I have a large house & dps kids are very, very welcome here when they come up (we live in different towns) but the dynamic has never felt right.
We've recently decided to sell both houses & purchase a place with a 'granny' flat so dp & his boys can have some alone time at the weekends.
I feel like a weight has been lifted - so does dp. Neither of us had a good gut feeling about everyone trying to make it work in this house & we listened to that.
Not saying it's similar for you guys but you both seem overly nervous esp as you've been together so long.
As pp have said - maybe don't rent out your place just yet.

My advice is to accept that there could be some sudden conflict, wondering if it was the right decision, feeling like you are seeing another person in your partner, but that it's ok if that happens and that you can make it work if you accept that it's hard, that you are coming into it from different perspective, and that it will time to accept changes that involve compromises.

My OH and I never had had one argument until my kids and I moved in with him. We too had spent almost 5 days out of 7 together, with the kids, without, holidays etc... and we'd talk a lot about the move, our principles, values, limitations so we thought it would quite straight forward.

It certainly wasn't and it came as a big shock to both of us. I didn't realise how borderline OCD he was and how anxious he could get over little things. He hadn't realised that even though he loved to have us around, he also did appreciate the time he had the house back to himself which he now didn't have any longer. We argued a lot, and at one point, we both wondered if it was worth continuing with the relationship. Thankfully, we are both dedicated and committed people and the love we shared kept us going. Not only did normality stepped in and we all adjusted to our new lives, but we even noticed that we were starting to take on the other one's habits. OH used to get really cross with me if I left a cupboard door open (and I got really annoyed that he made such a big deal of it). I now find myself constantly closing the doors he leaves open!

Patience, love and understanding is all you need!

Hi Swingofthings!
I have previously written on here a few months ago about wanting to live with my partner and him not being ready and I think you offered helpful advice then! I have wanted to live together for quite a while so I’m so pleased we’re now at a stage where it’s happening I’m just a little surprised about my little freak out!
My partner and I have had a couple of ups and downs, a year in when he was adapting to missing the children and last year when one of the boys was struggling at school/possible ADHD and we have got through them so we have seen a bit of the stressed / worried side of each other.
Did you settle it quite quickly moving in to your partners or did you ever think it would have been better buying a new place for you both?
I think quite a lot of men worry then will have no time to themselves don’t they , I think that’s quietly my partners main concern! I think you are right, patience and compromise is key!

Congratulations, it’s a big step forward.

My story is similar to yours. I’ve been with my OH 3.5 years. I met his kids after about 7 months. We moved in together 18 months ago. Initially into my place and we then bought a place together.

I’d really recommend you get your own place together. When one of you moves into the others place you feel like a guest.

My OH and I hardly ever argue, but when we do it’s invariably regarding his EW (who has been quite difficult) or the children. My frustration regarding the kids is that he won’t listen to any views I have. So my recommendation is that you make sure you are on the same page with regards to discipline etc.

Do make sure you make time for you. It’s hard initially and a coffee with a mate or a night out will help you retain your own identity.

Personally I was made to feel like a stranger in my own home. And at times I still find it hard. I’m lucky if I get a hello from the oldest when they arrive. Let alone a goodnight or goodbye. You have to step away and realise it’s not personal.

Good luck.

Did you settle it quite quickly moving in to your partners or did you ever think it would have been better buying a new place for you both?
Thanks uka. The first 2, maybe even 3 years, I would have said that we made an error not to buy together. We looked into but after we had offers on both house that fell through, we thought it would be better to move to his and rent mine. We did extend his house though, but still it took a very long time for him to detach himself from it being his house and me to start feeling at home and that caused tension. The irony though is that it went the other way around afterwards! He started to dislike the house, mainly because of the neighbours and wanted to move whereas I settled well. I now think I feel more at home than he does!

I think quite a lot of men worry then will have no time to themselves don’t they
Oh yes they do. My OH was so worried that moving in with me was the loss of his freedom. I did try to explain to him before that it would be the other way around, that being able to go to bed with him every night, I would feel much less demanding of his time and attention. That did prove to be the case, and he has continued to have a very independent life. As a matter of fact, we still shop and eat separately, because we have such different habits and that's one we didn't really care to compromise on, still have separate accounts! We are both very independent so it suits us to have our own lives, but to then have fantastic quality time together. Last week, he went away skiing with his friends, something he did before he met me and has continued to do every year since we met 10 years ago. Myself, I continue to take my kids on holiday just the three of us, and not just across the pond, but all the way to the States and he respects that I need special time with my kids too.

I think things do become harder when new children join the group. We wanted a child together, but it didn't work and looking back, we would both agree that in our case, it was for the best.

As for the relation not losing its spark, well, all relationships have ups and downs and go through transitions and evolve. OH and I certainly don't feel the same spark we did then, but we are deeply committed to each other. We are better companions now than we were lovers then, but that's how we both want it.

The key thing is to appreciate that we experience things differently and what can be obviously right for one doesn't have to be for the other. No one is right or wrong, and making things better is not about putting the other under pressure to see things from our perspective but to us make the effort to see things from their perspective. Not always easy, but as you say, patience is key. And of course, each relationship is different. Good luck with the move, you'll love it!

I moved into DP's house. I would have preferred to get a new home together, but it wasn't really practical to do so. I did instigate some rearranging of the furniture and the way we used the rooms, which helped mark that this was now a joint home. I did quite a bit in the garden too, to make it feel like mine.

We both try to have one night a week out alone to give the other some time alone, which helps too I think.

And in regards to having his boys over extra, I think it's always good for him to run any changes by you, to check it's ok, but for the understanding to be that you always say it's fine unless there's some significant reason why not. We did this at first, and I appreciated being included in plans. Tbh these days he tends to say yes first and just let me know, but I'm ok with that now. Or half the time the DSC ask me rather than DH anyway as I'm more likely to be the one feeding them.

Living together has worked well for us. Good luck