WWYD

[TwoDots]

I have posted on here before about various issues with the ex and it continues unfortunately. My partner is a good man and he's at a loss what to do

My partner has assessed the contact arrangement and has asked for a small tweak which he feels would benefit DSD. The current arrangement is on an alternate cycle...

Every other Sunday he picks up Dsd at 5pm. He has her through until weds.

The other every other Sunday, DSD is dropped off at 10am. Again he has her through until weds.

The arrangement is ok but it has its issues. On the 10am, she is often late bring dropped off, School bits are often forgotten. It then takes a while for DSD to settle in and by the time she has, most of the morning is gone. He can't really do things with her or take her out etc. The other days are school days and DSD 5 is in clubs, activities, and before and after school care. On the 5pm Sundays DSD is absolutely exhausted. She arrives very grizzly and the evening is about eating dinner and bedtime routine. She then has to travel early Monday morning to be at breakfast club at 8am. It's just not worthwhile for her

DP and DSD don't really have any quality time together. There's no opportunity for cuddles in bed in the morning, a leisurely breakfast. He basically does school stuff (which he's happy with) but feels the current arrangement isn't in DSD best interest.

He has suggested a shift which means no loss of time for her. He takes her on a Saturday night about 5:30 on the weeks where it's a 10am Sunday and on the 5pm Sunday the ex keeps her and takes her to school on the Monday.

He first of all suggested it in person but she dismissed it immediately. He asked again the following week and she wasn't interested. A couple of weeks later she asked him to have DSD as she wanted to go to a spa for her birthday. She then asked to have her overnight on Mother's Day. They are not unreasonable-requests and DP always tries his best to accommodate her (believe me she asks a lot of him and he asks barely anything in return) but he pointed out to her that what she was asking was exactly the routine he proposed so why not try it. She again refused.

Her reasons for refusing....DSD is all she has. And she likes the freedom to go to her friends for sleepovers (ex friend but DSD friend). We do understand this but she has 6 other nights a month for these sleepovers. It's these sleepovers along with a very hectic week which is tiring her out. DP honestly thinks it's in DSD interest to have 1 day a week where she doesn't HAVE TO do something and just be with either parent.

DP emailed her today. It was a lovely and kind email and highlighted where he feels DSD will benefit etc. Ex refused to even read it at first and when she eventually did she said this is all about you (DP) and refused to even speak with him!

Even if it was because he never gets a full day with her, what would be wrong with that?! But it isn't. We've had countless issues on Sundays (I've posted about her expecting him to pick up from the pub etc) . There's so many reasons

DP has bent over backwards for this woman. He's always done extra, accommodated most requests. He used to have every Sunday with Dsd from 10am but the ex asked for every other Sunday so she could have a family day with her DP as DSD has swimming lessons etc on a Saturday. My DP didn't argue, agreed to it but she never gives him the same respect in return

WWYD? It seems such a small issue to take it further for, but at the same time he gets less time with DSD than an eow Dad (ex has refused to let him have eow) and he honestly feels this change will benefit everyone. Ex always moans about not having Saturday nights free but she won't commit to set Saturdays and thinks it should be when it suits her only (when she has plans). It's not right. He doesn't want to start a war, yet he doesn't want to keep being dictated to. Help please

Before going to court you need to try mediation first (unless there is abuse). So I would suggest he books it. Do you think the ex would attempt to move back to her home country?

We did mediation twice.
The first time ex thought he could mess around and not stick to the visit plans etc.

We ended up at court and he got a dressing down from the judge and sent back to mediation.
The second time worked and we managed a visit plan.
As long as both parents go in with a fair attitude it can defiantly make things better.
Maybe dp's ex would be more fair with a neutral person negotiating. Plus if doenst stick to their agreement at least you have that as proof she is blocking/ hindering contact.

RandomMess I have no idea. She's mentioned it a few times but usually not in a sensible way (when she's angry etc). She's in a relationship but we think that is going down the pan so my DP is understandably very nervous. She also said she was going to change DSD surname after a text argument following me and DP moving in together and despite telling DSD the same, we are yet to see the paperwork as promised, so we just have no clue if she ever means what she says

Thank you for such great advice. DP thinks mediation is a good choice but again lives in fear that this will make her worse

I do think he should look at a prohibitive steps order, I have no idea what is involved but it would stop her threatening to leave and mean the contact matter has to be resolved somehow.

He needs to find out his options and then demonstrate to his ex that his request to have a relationship with DD is fair and "right" regardless of what is going on her life. Far better to put one in place then have to force her to move back afterwards.

I’d be for a EOW arrangement and maybe every Wednesday night. That way they have a full weekend, and DSD also has a regular, main home.

I think it’s really tricky doing 50/50. At some point a lot of children don’t want to be turning up half way having to go to school from a different place.

I know that’s not what you were asking, but for me this is the heart of your DPs grievance. If he’s getting nothing out of thr School days for their relationship- what is the point of doing it at all?

I must admit bananas I'm not one for 50/50 splits and I've mentioned if we have a child and split, that I'd be less than keen. I think a child should have a main home when going through school. I do understand this arrangement a little more though. Both DP and his ex work full time. The ex works an hour away. DP has chosen to work Saturdays and very late on a Friday night so DSD isn't in childcare all the time. This allows her to be picked up much, much earlier from school than if she was with the ex, and avoids breakfast clubs for the first half of the week as DP works very few hours. For this reason he can't have her on Saturdays so EOW would not work currently. If it changed to EOW, DSD who is already so young and tired would be at school 8-6 mon-fri

We've both said the time DP gets with DSD is less than an eow Dad really.

I see, gosh it’s so hard trying to find an arrangement that suits. Especially as when the children grow they want to do more their own thing too. If I were your DP then I’d just keep talking to his Ex and DD, maybe she does really love her sleep overs, maybe the Ex wouldn’t mind an extra school day.

Keeping what he’d love to do in mind, one full day every fortnight? Also, maybe his DD just wants to hang out lazing around with your DP and save her going out for her mates? Or maybe she lazes around Sunday from 10ish and then 4pm they go out, cinema or activity, and a meal? In time to get back for winding down and school night? I’d just be willing to back down if it’s causing so much upset. Saturday night might not be the biggest factor in changing this to improve his quality time.

I don’t think what your asking for is unfair but if she’s saying no now, taking her to mediation isn’t going to improve matters at all, it will make things between them worse as she will feel like she’s being forced to do something she doesn’t want to

Probably keeping sleepovers to holidays would resolve part of the problem

If I’m reading this correctly.

5 year old girl is with her mother from Wednesday at 6pm (picked up from aftercare) till Sunday at either 10am or 5pm. Saturday night is usually spent at mother’s friend’s house, so she actually only sleeps at mothers house 3 days a week.

On Sunday she moves to her father’s house and stays till school drop off on Wednesday. 3 nights. On the weeks she arrives around dinner time she is tired and the household moves right into evening/bedtime routine. On the alternate weeks she is rarely ready at agreed time in the morning and is mostly too tired to spend quality time with the father.

She also does activities on Monday and Tuesday evenings? Have I got that correct? So even though her father has arranged his work around picking her up at a reasonable time they don’t get to spend much time together.

Father is asking to move the fortnightly Sunday am pick up to Saturday evening, allowing for him to spend the full day with his daughter alternate sundays, as well as a bedtime that is not all about preparing for school the next day. Is he suggesting that on those weeks mother has child from Tuesday as an ‘exchange’?

It sounds like a stressful routine for a small girl.

It also sounds as though the father is afraid of upsetting the mother - they aren’t parenting collaboratively. Given how young the child is there are many more years of this. A professional getting involved now could help. I admit to no personal experience with mediation but going from friends’ experiences there’s no point in waiting.

Yes you've basically got it right, except every other week DP proposed to pick up Dsd on a Monday after school, not tues. But I agree her routine is totally bonkers. I'm a mum and there's no way I'd have my son in such a routine. DSD is 5 and her week looks like this

Mon leaves house at 7:30am to get to breakfast club. Picked up anytime after 4:30 as she does drawing club and at school

Tues normal school day but goes to singing club until 4. Then goes to her nanas until 4:45 (lives near School)

Weds normal drop off but at school where her mum picks up at 6. Mum lives 20 mins away from school so gets home late

Thurs school 8-6

Fri school 8-6

Sat ballet 10am and swimming 2pm. Then sleeps at her mothers friends and 2 older children (we suspect late nights but not 100% sure

Sun is handover day - 20 min drive, at either 10am or 5pm

DP request is small but thinks will make a bit of difference to her

He has always been scared of the ex. I'm trying to encourage him not to be. She's a bit of a bully. If he tried to speak to her about this she refuses and writes 'have a good day'. If he for whatever reason is not able to help her with something (he can't take time off work for example) she has a real go at him. This routine is fine when it works in her favour, for example she was happy to have overnight Sunday for Mother's Day and for him to have her this Saturday as it's the ex birthday! But she won't entertain it the other way around. God he asked her a week ago what time does she need on Saturday but she still hasn't got back to him. Anyway I'm rambling

I hope he will try mediation, I really do. Thanks for the replies x

Hi @TwoDots - I also think that's a lot of upheaval for a 5 year old & like you I'm not a huge fan of 50/50 as I think a lot of kids find it unsettling.
I'm not fully aware of all your circumstances but I'm curious as to why there is an overnight at a friends house every Saturday?

Magda we can only guess. We do know she hates being in a house alone so perhaps her partner goes out every Saturday night so she goes to be with her friend. The sleepovers are not for DSD , they are for the ex. Not sure why she can't go to her friends without her dd though. Baffled me really

She's only happy for DP to have DSD on a Saturday night if she has plans to go out 🙄