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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Holidays without SD

37 replies

stella80 · 21/02/2018 19:00

Hello, I haven’t posted here much so please bear with me. I’ve been with my bf for almost 4 years. He has a daughter who is almost 12, he split with her mum when Dsd was 6 months old. We have DSD every other weekend. We do take her away for weekends sometimes and every summer we have 2 weeks with her which we try to fill with lots of things she will enjoy. Last summer we took her to Dominican Republic for 10 days and her dad has taken her to Euro Disney. He doesn’t want to go away just me and him anymore (we went away when we had been together 6 months and again 18 months) as he feels guilty. I wondered what other people thought of this- am I wrong to want a hol just me and him or is that just not right anymore!?

OP posts:

Original poster

stella80 · 22/02/2018 19:04

Thanks for the responses, it’s really interesting and useful to get other’s opinions.
To be clear, he did take his daughter away once without me, we had been together less than a year and he is clear he doesn’t want to go away without me again. He works every other weekend so it’s not so easy for us to take a weekend away together just us two. We are hopefully going to do a city break in November mon- fri just us, and I know the destination is somewhere she wouldn’t want to go.
We have her for two weeks in the summer but due to other commitments (on her Mum’s side and our friends weddings) can’t get the time to take her abroad, but we are booking up for a family holiday for the three of us next summer.

OP posts:

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 22/02/2018 22:48

I think it’s perfectly fine to go away just the two of you. It’s probably needed. He’s already taken just his DD away. So why not?

The ‘guilt’ of not going away with just you reeks of indulgent Disney Dad. I presume that he didn’t feel guilty not taking you?!

SandyY2K · 23/02/2018 09:35

DH and I go away without our DC sometimes. I don't see it as an issue tbh.

TooSassy · 23/02/2018 11:38

I think this is BS. Sorry but I do. Whether you can afford this or not is a moot point. Everyone can show willing and attempt a compromise in a relationship. If you have her EOW, why can't he do a long weekend city break/ a cheap UK break?

If I was in this situation and my DP stated this, then I wouldn't argue it. Because then I would be asking him to choose between me and his DC's (or at least it would feel that way). I would, sadly, book my own holidays with my friends and carry on living this part of my life independently to him. If our relationship was solid then this would just be one battle I chose to not pick and in time (when his DC no longer wanted to come on holiday, we would pick up our time together). If our relationship wasn't solid, then I imagine that this could possibly lead to us splitting up.

Does your DP have this level of 'tunnel vision' in other aspects of his relationship with his DD? I will be honest and think there are a lot of people in these situations attempting to have their cake and eat it. They want a new relationship and want someone there but struggle mid to longer term to put the partner on any level of equal footing with their children. And ultimately, I think that's disrespectful. Children should never come first 100% of the time and if they do, my simple question is 'well then why are you in a relationship?'.

Imnotposhjustquaint · 24/02/2018 08:35

I don’t actually see a problem with this. She’s been on holiday with you both before and it’s not like you’rve got children together and are taking them but excluding her.

I always feel that relationships start failing when the wants of the children are put at the absolute forefront of everything you do.

You should be able to have a break by yourselves and to not feel guilty about it either. Your DSD is also at an age where she should understand this. She’s lucky, some kids never get to go on holidays.

user1493413286 · 24/02/2018 08:51

I don’t think there is anything wrong with going away without your DSD. Me and DP used to do it most years before we had our DD.
Maybe this sounds selfish but holidays with DSD are lovely but they aren’t relaxing and we also would go places that she wouldn’t be interested in like city breaks or wouldn’t be appropriate like clubbing holidays. I hope I don’t get flamed for this but I would have felt I was missing out a lot I we hadn’t have been able to go to these places. By being with someone with a child you sacrifice a lot but I don’t think you should have to sacrifice everything
Now we have a DD we wouldn’t take her away without DSD but that’s a bit different in my opinion.

BlueSkyBurningBright · 24/02/2018 11:23

It is important to spend time together and it is good for your relationship.

Dh and I have been together 10 years. We are a blended family and there are times when it can be hard.

What has saved us is making sure we have time together. When the kids were little it was not realistic for the two of us to go away for any length of time, but we made sure that a couple of times a year we had a weekend or even a night away. Made us relax and enjoy each others company. That saved us through the difficult years.

Now the kids are older, we do have at least one week a year that we go away on our own. We also go away with our kids with out each other and have a family holiday.

beingsunny · 26/02/2018 06:40

I think it's important to do both, I try and have a weekend or two away with my partner when my son is at his dads, we also had a 10 day holiday to Bali while he was away in England with his dad.

We also have holidays the three of us and I plan to take a trip with just my son during the school holidays.

These don't need to be expensive, mostly we are just camping but we had a big family two week trip at Christmas and I don't see that he feels neglected at all in any of this.

sothisisnew · 26/02/2018 08:15

I think the limiting factor here is important- does he split all school holidays 50:50 with DD's mum, or do you just get 2 weeks in summer?

If he gets all of it, as I'm sure everyone on here knows it is hard to cover with holidays from work and so it might be that he doesn't want to 'use up' his time on holidays that she can't come on.
If this is not a factor- is it finances that's the blocker? Is it that he doesn't think you can afford to take DD on a nice holiday and you on another one?

NeeChee · 11/03/2018 07:52

I really wanted to have a weekend away with my partner, alone. He liked the idea for ages, but now it has become more possible money and time wise, he has poo pooed the idea, he'd rather have a week away abroad, which will include his child also.
He has joint custody, and DSS' mum has been away a few times without him.
I do feel like I shouldn't be bothered, but I am. I've not had a holiday for a long time. I'd even go camping, I don't care about cost.

swingofthings · 11/03/2018 11:28

The problem NeeChee is if you going away together only mean not being able to afford taking your DC anywhere.

It's important for children to be able to have some time away with both their parents. It's not as much the holiday itself for kids, but spending time with their parents in a more relaxing set up, getting more attention, doing more together and more exciting things.

It's not their fault if the situation is such that you are not able to afford a week away and a couple week-end too. Can you not save at all for such a weekend, even cheaply in addition to a week away all together?

NeeChee · 12/03/2018 20:40

We could afford it, it was just when I said how much it was he said "we could all go abroad for a week for that much".
I totally understand he needs a holiday with his dad, and I wouldn't want the break alone if it meant DSS couldn't have a holiday.

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