What am I?

[Catherineh08]

I’m a step parent (although not married to the dad) so I don’t even know what to call myself, I feel like a bit of a ghost, I do everything without feeling loved, sometimes I don’t even get a goodbye or a thanks, I feel like if I died they wouldn’t even care, they’d probably be pleased.
I do my best for them both (2 little boys aged 8 and 5) and want the best for them, we have them exactly half the week.
I make them breakfast each morning, tea each night, homework, reading, suggest fun film nights with sweets, fun activities at the weekend, watch them play rugby, sometimes take them to and from school, let them pick their clothes that I buy, try and comfort them when their sad, for what? I don’t expect a thank you, I am not their real mum they absolutely worship the ground she walks on which is fine, but at night when I’m sat on the couch and they’d rather sit on the one seater with dad rather than have space on the couch with me? Or when I tuck them in at night they still need daddy to do it, they won’t even let me brush their teeth, when daddy’s upstairs they both come upstairs too because god forbid they stay on the same floor/room as me.
I’ve been doing this for 3 and a half years now and it isn’t getting any easier.
The ‘just wait until their older they’ll appreciate you’ doesn’t help me.
Does anyone else get this down about it? Can anyone offer any words of advice please?
I don’t have any children of my own, maybe that doesn’t help. I have also spoken to my partner who just suggests none of us can do anything ‘it’s just their age’.
I love the kids and their dad, I just find it all so terribly hard at times.

so feel I should do just as much work as though they were my own? Am I wrong?

Try to think of it from the children's point of view, and see what difference that might make. As PPs have said, it would be much better for their parent to be doing the discipling, reminding them to say please and thank you and other important stuff, and have you there too, sometimes to do the fun stuff.

Step back and see what happens. YY to tribpot and 'there is nothing that came be done'. Pah.

Can you also tell me what all these abbreviations stand for please?
This is my first thread so I can kinda guess some acronyms but not them all lol!

PP often used for previous posters, or just People, as in Previous Posters, or People have already said

YY yes, yes, meaning emphatically agreeing

You sound great in getting involved with their lives and your DPs. People calling you a mug are just nasty trolls. Yes you do a lot for them, but that's about being a responsible and caring partner.

Do you live with your partner?

Everyone's different, but I know I couldn't have lived like that. I know there's no reason for the kids to feel grateful but if they're not even nice to you, what the hell is the point? I'd rather cut loose and live on my own.

Thanks Orvil!
Yes, have done for around 2 years now, have been with him for 3 and a half years in total.
It's hard but I chose this life, don't think I realised how hard it would be, but I knew it wouldn't be an easy ride.
I just keep plodding on, some weeks are better than others and my love for them all stops me from throwing the towel in, one day I hope it will all be worth it.

@Catherineh08 I can relate to this post. I'm with a guy who has two dd age 5 & 3 I've been with him since the youngest was 18 months old. I constantly dart between being happy with it all to wondering if they'd truly care if I was here or not. I get they want to see their dad and I'd never be a proper mum to them but sometimes it's just so hard :(

We'll be fine I'm sure, here if you need me

Catherine you sound like a lovely, caring person & no you haven’t done anything ‘wrong’. It’s hard to explain but bear with me for a bit.
My kids sm is lovely to them & they appreciate it. They love her but not as a parent. When she had her own kids she had to take a step back & it honestly didn’t bother my dc. They view her like a favorite auntie if that makes any sense. Previous to that she bent over backwards for them & honestly, they found her ‘enthusiasm’ a bit full on & quite stressful. They get on much better with her now that she’s occupied & not focusing on them all the time.
She still does a huge amount of the day to day running around (school runs etc.) when they are at their dads & to be honest all my dc (12, 16 & 21) think she is letting their dad off the hook with this & don’t approve of it at all. They appreciate what she’s doing but honestly think she’s enabling their dad who has totally taken a back seat in the running of the house.
Speaking as a sm (dps kids also 11, 15 & 17) I think it’s a really hard role as you’re constantly on a tightrope balancing too much attention/parenting versus too little.
The way I settle it in myself is to view my role as one of supporting my dp in his parenting while not actually parenting them myself. Having watched my own kids attitude to their sm I took cues from that & treat my ss’s as I would my nieces/nephews (to whom I’m very close).
Parenting is great but often thankless & I think biology dictates that we are really only able to cope with that element of it from our biological kids as let’s face it if we didn’t we’d all be running for the hills at times!
I’d hazard a guess that until your sdcs are adults and realize all you’ve done or are in a similar situation themselves, you’ll never get the gratitude you deserve & that’s why self care is sooooo important as a sm.
My dcs can be thoughtless also but at least I can pull them up on it as their mine! Very hard to do this with sdcs.
It’s a minefield the whole bloody thing!
💐

You need to step back and let your dp take the lead more. It’s only natural that they would feel closer to their dm and df because they been there from the start unless you have been there at a young age. I think many step parents face these issues because the child has had to adjust to another adult who isn’t a parent in their lives. My DS was 2 when me and DH were together the same for ex and his SM so he doesn’t no any different in terms of me and his df being together and he can’t remember a time before both our dps weren’t on the scene.

OP a 5 year old and 8 year old are not going to thank you for cooking and cleaning. My (almost) 5 year old wouldn't think to thank me for that. They want their dad when they come to visit, that's normal. They adore their mum. That's also normal. Their dad should be doing the majority of the graft in terms of caring for them and should also be enforcing things like them saying goodbye etc. I also mean this kindly but to them you are just a lady their dad lives with, they didn't ask for their parents to split up and didn't choose for you to enter their lives. It sounds like you expect too much from children and not enough from your Partner

OP you sound lovely! You're doing what any parent would do, and your step DCs are responding as most children would. However, the emotional investment you are making is exactly the unconditional love and acceptance that your step DCs need and it will definitely pay off in the long term for all of you.

think she is letting their dad off the hook with this & don’t approve of it at all. They appreciate what she’s doing but honestly think she’s enabling their dad who has totally taken a back seat in the running of the house.

^ this

why would/should children be grateful for, well, this ^

It sounds like you are transferring your maternal instincts on to these kids. You got caught into the 'their mum is not being a good mum to them, they deserve better, I can give them better' trap and now you are realising that even doing all the things that mums do for them, their adoration is for their mum and not you.

That's how it is with little children. They are way too young to appreciate the things you do for them. Those are all things that you do as duty for your children, not because you expect anything back in return.

This is why you definitely need to step back. You are not in their lives to take on a parental role to win their love, it won't work. Just be yourself, do things for them if you don't mind doing them but don't expect anything in return. It's when you stop expecting their love that they will start showing it to you.

Same with their dad, you don't need to show him that you love his kids and are happy to be a good surrogate mother for them, he should love you for who you are as a person, not what you bring to his family.

So their mum probably does HW at her house, you do it at yours. ..their dad never does HW with them? That's not good enough. He's their dad and should be more involved in that.

I feel like a bit of a ghost, I do everything without feeling loved, sometimes I don’t even get a goodbye or a thanks, I feel like if I died they wouldn’t even care, they’d probably be pleased.
I do my best for them both (2 little boys aged 8 and 5) and want the best for them, we have them exactly half the week.

I relate a lot to this. It’s really tough. That is how many of us feel. It’s good you do some visible parenting, as believe me hanging around in the background just cleaning up after them, cooking and washing just makes you feel more invisible.

I read posts from SMs who like you, found it hard, yet are starting to feel a bond reciprocated, and a relationship starts to grow.

Your DSSs are at a young age, and so it is hopeful that you will start to feel less of a ‘slave’. After 3 years I’d be wanting goodbyes, hellos, thank you and other acknowledgments from them too. You can teach them to appreciate you more.

Sometimes though, there are too many obstacles. I had a strange feeling a year into my relationship with my DSDs. It wasn’t like anything else I’d experienced in life. And I’ve had a lot of life experience!

I couldn’t put my finger on it. I had my DSDs almost full time. We seemed to all get on fine. Superficially. Yet it was just... going nowhere.

It felt like a huge invisible, unspoken brick wall with a sign to me ‘keep out’. Same for my son. Years later I have got either complete disinterest or nasty resentment from my DSDs. Sometimes it really isn’t worth putting in the effort and to be frank it was a total waste of my time and energy.

I hope that you are not the above, there seems to be hope.

I've learnt as a stepmum to do the fun stuff and the stuff I'm willing to be involved in and leave the rest to DH. I stay as far away from homework and school lunches as I can get. Instead I do fun stuff like baking, swimming, biking, playing games. I've also learnt to pick my battles. Otherwise I just end up resenting DH and DSD. DSD loves me and her stepfather as parents but her real parents are always first and foremost for her and always will be.

I also make sure I go out for a few hours on the weekends we have DSD so she has alone time with her dad as it's him she is with us to see. I few times a year I also go away for the whole weekend we have DSD so her dad has to do everything. It's amazing how missed I am and how appreciated I am when I get back
Your DH should be teaching your SDC to say hello, thank you, goodbye etc too.

Well, the question should be, whose children are they? Why isn't their DF cooking for them, putting them to bed, taking them to sports etc.....he is their parent, not you!

whose children are they? Why isn't their DF cooking for them, putting them to bed, taking them to sports etc.....he is their parent, not you!

This ^

The children are very likely not able to articulate that you are getting between them and their father, allowing him to avoid stepping up to parent them,

Your partner should be parenting his children. Yes you chose this situation but that doesn't include becoming his servant. You are an extra loving adult but not there parent. He needs to realise that. I might be wrong but are you hoping they will love you like a parent.

The pressure to love step children as our own is an unrealistic one, we're not biologically programmed to do so and it shouldn't be expected any more than we should expect DC to love their step parents as much as their own parents (as you've experienced first hand for yourself). The main thing is to treat step DC during the times you interact with them with the fairness and kindness you'd show your own. This doesn't mean you should do as much for them as you would if you were actually their mother! The children carry your DP and his ex's genes so it's down to your DP and his ex to do the lion's share of parenting between them, of course you can help and support but you don't suddenly become responsible for the DC's care 50/50 in your household just because you fell in love with their dad. As PPs have said he needs to step and and do more whilst you step back and do the fun stuff with them, or give them time together just them. As much as your DP might wish otherwise you are your own family unit now, not a replica of the one he had with his ex with you as a substitute for her.

@SciFiG33k

I'd say you have the right idea.

I'm with the PP on this one.

You are doing far too much and need to take a step back and refocus on doing things for you. This dynamic that has set in with your relationship needs tweaking IMO. And it won't change unless you sit down and talk to your partner about it. You need to clearly state how you feel, without any threat or ultimatums and say that you are going make some changes.

I completely agree that you need to absent yourself from some of contact. Because I think your DP and his DC's need space and alone time. I do think it's extremely odd that two children of 5 and 8 follow him everywhere. Is this a constant thing? If so, that tells me that after all this time, they still don't feel secure/ relaxed in your home. Or that they simply aren't getting enough 121 bonding time with him. Make dinner plans, go to the gym, book an occasional weekend break. Focus on you and let your partner focus on the kids.

It's lovely that you love them and you're doing so much, but if you keep doing the same whilst expecting a miraculous change, that simply isn't going to happen.

One final question. Do you feel secure in your relationship with your DP? Because I do wonder how much of your behaviour is driven by trying to show your 'worth' to him.