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Step-parenting

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Original poster

What you wish you knew Before you met his kids

41 replies

ukulelelady · 06/02/2018 20:32

Hi
I’ve been in a relationship for almost 5 months and both of us have kids. Up until now neither of us have met each other’s children - he has 3 aged 7-12, I have 1 5yo. It is a long distance relationship so it’s just not been practical and of course you Don’t want to introduce anyone too soon.
Next week he is coming to visit me and my son. At some point we will make the trip to visit him and his kids. It is early days but both of us feel like this could go the distance and love each other. I’m wondering if anyone has advice or tips for meeting his kids and introducing him to mine. Thanks

OP posts:
Original poster
ukulelelady · 08/02/2018 22:39

Thanks candycrush for the advice. He is good at communicating. He’s similar to me, sense of humour in most situations with sarcasm thrown in but wears his heart on his sleeve and doesn’t do bullshit or mind games. We’ve had some big open and honest talks. Good luck with your relationship too.x

OP posts:
GlassHalfFullOfWee · 08/02/2018 22:45

I didn’t have kids when I first met my partner. But now we have kids together.

I do still feel like my DCs and me are the ‘secondary’ ones. His ex has a hell of a lot of indirect influence over how we all live, just by being very inconsistent and selfish. None of us know what the fuck us happening from one week to the next because the ex changes her plans and swaps/cancels her days with DSD all the time. It’s an exhausting way to live for all of us except DP it seems, who is happy to tie himself in knots, and for the ex, who always has things the way she wants.

ElChan03 · 08/02/2018 23:03

I am also a childless step parent. I met sc 8 months after I met dp and was very much in love with him.
There's been so many difficult circumstances as my dp has full residency of the sc which he obtained after a year of knowing him. So I never knew when I first met them that those would be the circumstances.
Ultimately the ew has proven to be very very challenging and I've spent the last 2 years fulfilling a mothering role and doing my damned best to support dp and the children. I've had no mothering instinct to go by as I'm not a mum, I'm only 25 and now the secondary carer to a very disabled little boy and a troubled little girl. I've done my best but I won't lie if I could go back in time I may tell myself that love is not worth the heartache of looking after children that you do everything for and care about but don't love, abuse from ew and we partner, being bit, pinched, punched and headbutted by a very strong little boy and being kept awake most nights by him jumping and screaming in his bed, to have to raise a little girl who didn't know how to wash herself or brush her teeth and at 12 I've had to take to go to get treated for thrush as her personal hygiene was so poor. It's been so so so so hard but I've done it for my partner and to advocate those children and give them the best life I can. I worry in the future I won't be able to have my own children with dp who is amazing, because sc needs will always be greater than my own.

So my experience is a little complicated but as I said originally go in with your eyes open and don't push too hard.

Bosabosa · 08/02/2018 23:03

I have been very lucky with my step kids- 6 years in.
I would say that the relationship with step kids will change as they grow; be led by them.
Yes, it is important to take into account his ex and how she is, but more important to take into account how he manages the relationship and how they co-parent together.
I would miss them an awful lot if they were no longer a part of my life.

AmberCP · 08/02/2018 23:11

I find it hard sometimes as my partners kids are still young and often say unkind things without meaning to. For instance “You look nice today... but not as nice as mummy, she’s much prettier.” Ahhhh children. I quickly learned to have a happy poker face because I found out they say things like this to their biological grandparents too. I do wish someone had warned me about this in the beginning because the first few time it happened I smiled and walked away but felt really hurt. Just be prepared to be treated like you’re not really Family although you do your best to be a kind loving stepmom from the outset. Nearly 3 years in and my Step daughter still says I’m not really family sometimes because she doesn’t understand the dynamic properly. But I know in my heart when she’s 25 (in 20 years) she will call me family.

Candycruush · 08/02/2018 23:12

ElChan you sound like an amazing person and those kids are lucky to have you in their lives! Thanks

ElChan03 · 08/02/2018 23:24

Don't get me wrong I'm not a martyr, definitely not perfect and sometimes I get really upset and want to leave. But I love my dp and he comes with two children who need someone to support them. So I do my best! That's the only advice I can share with all you fellow sm... the love for dp is worth it but you must always consider the children as it's not their fault!!

Justoneme · 09/02/2018 06:34

I have loved reading this post 😊

TempusEejit · 09/02/2018 11:55

@ukulelelady no I don't have kids myself, emotionally it makes it more difficult for me but less difficult for my DSCs, they wouldn't have coped with blending families with new siblings. That's my own personal circumstances though, 3 out of 4 of my DSCs are diagnosed with ASD to varying degrees and the 4th has their own issues so obviously this has brought its own unique set of challenges.

I think there are pros and cons to a new partner being childless or not, if they have kids too then technically they understand what it's like, but there can also be more potential for conflict if you (i.e. you personally, your new partner and their ex) are not all roughly on the same page regarding discipline, wants vs needs etc. I spent a lot of time with DH's kids before I gradually moved in by stealth (like a step ninja Grin ) but it still didn't prepare us for the shitstorm that occurred after 3 years of us all getting on like a house on fire because ex was unhappy due to a change in circumstances and was projecting onto the kids (before anyone has a go at me yes it was the ex's poor handling of the situation that caused this). Although things are much better now our relationships (me and DH, me and the kids) have never quite recovered. I would never willingly put myself in that position again.

Sorry if I come across as negative, I naively thought that if I consistently did the right thing and had the support of my DH, we'd be ok. Your situation does at least sound promising with regard to your DP's general attitudes - he sounds a good'un Smile

ElChan03 · 09/02/2018 12:49

That's so true @TempusEejit you do think if you have the support of your do everything will be ok. But it's so much harder in reality when the other parent is a metaphorical nightmare.
Good luck op. I hope your future relationship is a happy one!

Cabininthewoods69 · 09/02/2018 12:51

Got one myself and he won't have anymore but I really want another

Original poster
ukulelelady · 09/02/2018 13:42

I’ve really enjoyed reading your stories and thank you for taking time to share your experiences with me. @elchan I think your sc and your dp are very lucky to have you in their lives.

OP posts:
FredaNerkk · 11/02/2018 12:44

The ages of the DCs and DSCs are somewhat similar to my situation a few years ago.

My experience FWIW - I found it relatively easy to bond with DSCs. They were a wonderful age - upper primary - and receptive to another kind adult in their lives. It is harder now that they are teens. They are slowly but surely putting distance between them and the adults in their lives as they strive to establish a sense of independence. I am finding that I, as DSM, was 'last to the party' and 'first to be asked to leave'. It feels too soon. I am finding it sad to let go and give them the space they seem to want and need as teens. It reinforces the feeling of being a spare part.

I guess what I'm saying is that sometimes it is hard and gets easier; and sometimes it is easy but gets harder.

Eddie1940 · 12/02/2018 23:11

Altwoo I wish I d seen this advise 10 years ago

Eddie1940 · 12/02/2018 23:19

This is a really helpful thread - sadly a bit late for me as me and dh have now separated after 10 years . I was a childless step mum and was maybe a bit naive about how we could make it work - however just to echo I think a huge number of our issues were caused by his ex partner and her influence on children . By the way she left the children with us and moved away

Candycruush · 13/02/2018 01:21

Eddie1940 please share your story. I'm sorry to hear your relationship didn't work out Flowers. Becoming step parent is so very difficult!

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