Am I being ridiculous - help

[tiredmama18]

Hi all, name changed for this.
Married to DH, have a 5 month old DS and a 10yr old DSS. I am on maternity leave at the minute and DSS happens to be unwell with tonsillitis, I have looked after him before when he is sick, I don't mind. However because I am on maternity leave it is just presumed by my DH and his ex wife that I will look after him, without so much as a thank you. I can't help but feel taken advantage of...especially with having such a young baby to care for as well.
I know this sort of stuff can be part and parcel of being in a blended family but it's difficult. Anyone been there? Am I right to be used this way?

If there is resentment about looking after DSS it needs to be faced and unpicked.

I'm going to hazard a guess that a lot of people on maternity leave with a 5 month old wouldn't welcome a poorly 10 year old showing up on their doorstep and staying for an indefinite period with no request or thanks made by either of the 10 year old's actual parents.

Unpick that.

@SandyY2K his parents would have had to discuss it and decide who would take time off. They both have stressful busy careers and both hate to take time off, even when their child needs them.

@NicheArea I don't feel resentment towards him at all, it is just being under appreciated that I find irritating. His mum and I have a good relationship so yes she could have thanked me if she wanted to.

Do you get equal parenting ‘rights’ as well as ‘responsibilities’? IF I was given as much say in arrangements & schools etc as both of them and not ‘told off’ for treating him like one of my own in all respects, I’d be happy for it to be assumed I’d have him if he’s off school, for whatever reason. But if it’s a case if ‘our child, our choice, nothing to do with you’ the rest of the time, they could piss off. So no ‘please or thanks’ required, either I’d be doing it as part of our big family or not at all.

his mum and I have a good relationship so yes she could have thanked me if she wanted to

Maybe she will at the end of the week. This is a DP issue anyway. If i was the ex I’d have discussed with the dad and assumed he would make arrangements with you

I would never dream of expecting my exs partner to look after my son if he was ill. If my ex had agreed to look after my son and then his partner offered to look after him I would be ok with that but make sure a thank you was passed on. You need to tell your partner how you are feeling x

It will lead to resentment if you are not asked to look after someone else’s children.

Anyone would start feeling resentful. It’s heaping on the crap to blame the SM for feeling very understandably resentful. Which if it doesn’t happen now will creep in. The step child will also start to feel like that, children know if they are dumped on someone- sets up confusing emotions.

Fantastic post .... if you are on MAT to look after your new born .... why on earth would you want another child with an infectious disease in the house? Talk about selfish ... the baby has not got the immune system of a 10 year for starters.... simply the baby being around the 10yr could be enough for the baby to contract a sore throat .... which could lead to the baby having difficulties taking it milk ... which could lead to the baby becoming dehydrated.... okay might of gotten abit dramatic there, but can you see the ripple effect here .... why do the ex or DP thinks it's okay is unbelievable ... selfish.

I honesty don't understand some people's way of thinking. Back when ex's kids with his dp were babies I wouldn't dream of sending my sick child to her to be minded while I went to work! I wouldn't do it now &. they're toddlers unless they had already had whatever dose it was & only if it was ex's access days!
My kids, my responsibility & if I don't want/can't take a day off work I find a family member/friend who can step in.
@tiredmama18 - I'm sorry but I think both your dp & his ex are bang out of order here. I know I'm projecting my own stuff here but ex's dp is a sahm at the minute & he once told me to view her as free childcare! I was totally shocked & obviously never have!
I'm not saying this is what's going on in your situation but be very careful that you don't end up stuck at home with all kids while the other two are off having a jolly old time. No matter how tough a job is being a sahm is a tougher one!

My kids, my responsibility & if I don't want/can't take a day off work I find a family member/friend who can step in
Yet there was a thread only a few weeks ago about how appalling it was that a mum dared say that it was her dad's responsibility to deal with their DD being ill on his contact time because SHE should be dealing with it as she's the mum.

OP says that she doesn't mind looking after her SC, so if that is what she's told her DP, then why wouldn't they go with that offer. It would make no sense to have someone saying 'that's fine I don't mind looking after the child' for them to say 'no, it's not right, I'm going to contact my ex and we can both get stressed about how to deal with the situation and find an alternative that will cost a lot of money that we don't have'.

The issue here is that OP is taken for granted. That's very wrong. It's ok to do favours for others but people should recognise it as it is, a favour and show appreciation.

The issue here is that OP is taken for granted. That's very wrong. It's ok to do favours for others but people should recognise it as it is, a favour and show appreciation.

This with bells on.

Being taken totally for granted should never be part of a blended family.
I know this sort of stuff can be part and parcel of being in a blended family but it's difficult.

But that's my whole point @swingofthings. I know my kids sm doesn't mind looking after my kids but I'm not going to take her for granted by treating her as "free childcare" & neither should my ex, her dp.
The fact that NEITHER of them are thanking her or asking her if it's ok is pretty indicative that they now see her as being on call & I'm sorry but I think that's taking the proverbial.

I think we are all agreeing :)

My kids, my responsibility & if I don't want/can't take a day off work I find a family member/friend who can step in

My comments was in response to this, that although I do fully agree, it only works if it's applied both ways, ie. resident parent's responsibility when the child is with then, non-resident responsibility when the child is with them. Yet there are posts that come about that when a child is ill when with the non-resident parent, it is unreasonable of the resident parent to expect them to look after them of find alternative ways. There was even such a post when the child had chicken pox and the SM didn't want the child around her kids, and was complaining that her mum was insisting she was to go with her dad. Most agreed, no-one actually suggested that it was for her dad to look after her one way or the other.

I personally think that it works best when some flexibility is introduce, but ONLY when it works both ways and ONLY when it is not taken for granted but appreciated.