How much support should I give my ex?

[tobeworriedaboutthis]

I light of a recent thread, keen to understand how much support I should give my ex, or if I'm giving too much - both financially and in other ways.
Have 1 child.
Been separated over a decade.
Financial-
Pay above the CSA agency specified amount.
Pay private education.
Assist in emergencies.
Pay for holiday/weekends away.
School trips.
Clothes, uniforms, school supplies
Gifts/parties etc.
Other ways
Alternative weekends
Extra during holiday
Happy to swap weekends when needed, add extra weekends if needed
Help moving house
Generally if ex is in need she will call me for help - car broken down etc.
Someone to talk to when in need, give advice extra
Very much on the same path when it comes to parenting etc.
Is this the norm ? Or am I blurring the lines/being taken advantage of?
Live currently with my wife of 3 years - no kids.

[HipsterAssassin]

I guess it comes down to what ‘separation’ means to different people. My BF and I have slightly different views. He offers support sometimes to his ex, even though she has moved in with a new DP of her own. It does relate to the kids indirectly, and his ex seems to struggle. I have found it weird on occasion. My BF is not yet divorced and this doesn’t help tbf (another issue entirely).

Whereas I would never dream of calling on my ex for anything emotional or practical to do with my life. I would rather poke my own eye out! To me it’s none of his business what sort of everyday struggles occur in my life. That’s what my friends/my family/my BF is for.

Sort of horses for courses but in my book moving on means building your own independent support network...

[QueenOfIce]

Sounds like you're still together, you're not her crutch the only thing you have in common now is your child. I'd be pissed off if I were your DW. Perhaps she feels quite neglected and as if there's 3 in your marriage. Boundaries are needed!

[HipsterAssassin]

OP’s dw sounds incredibly tolerant to me. Why on earth are you paying for her trips away and in the context of already considerable financial contributions, siphoning off money to her behind your wife’s back? Presumably there was a divorce settlement?

I would be might hacked off if I was OP’s dw.

[PerfectPenquins]

Well to Ben honest I don’t see the need to suddenly be against each other when you split up if there is no animosity.

Why can’t they be friends?
They probably have a lot more in common than just their child after they had an entire life together, lives together and made a family together.

What is so wrong in op helping the ex out when her car broke down? My god can he not help her unless it’s about the child? If not then you are seriously insecure. Do you believe they would be at it on the car bonnet? It’s a nice thing to do.

Christ be friends with your ex if you can it makes life a lot easier with less conflict.

[Mrskeats]

I don't pay for my friends trips though?
And according to the Mumsnet way of thinking it's family money that's going to the ex not just his

[tobeworriedaboutthis]

We were never married, so there was no settlement. When my son was young I supported ex heavily so she didn't need to work, so I would pay for holidays and deposits on rentals - so she could be at home, but she now works. it's hard because I guess it's easier if we just all get along and generally my wife agrees with that. They both get on well and seem comfortable in each other's company. (We spend birthdays and Christmas together etc) Me and my ex had difficult upbringings and complex family dynamics. Whereas my wife, had the opposite and is keen for SS to have the same. Sometimes she feels the lines are blurred but is torn between keeping the family dynamic stable. I guess I was just curious about other families and opinions as the only other split family I know - despise each other!

[WitchesHatRim]

Sometimes she feels the lines are blurred

She's right. They are.

[Lovely333]

Your wife is a saint.

[Mrskeats]

the lines are blurred that’s the under statement of the century.

[Samesituation]

Ok so with a bit more info from your update you all get along ok - to me your OP didn't make that clear. I still dont think its right your wife's feelings come second to your EXP - and no way should you be secretive about anything regarding your EXP, especially as it also sounds like your wife has been very accommodating and welcoming of your EXP. Perhaps she thought as your son got older the emotional/handyman/1st contact support you give her would gradually cease and this is why she hasn't made an issue of it previously. If you can afford all the financial contributions then great - but starting making some boundaries with regards to the other stuff. Perhaps give her info how to sort her car, register her with AA, give her numbers of local tradesmen / handymen etc.

[TeeBee]

I'm like this with my ex. We have to coparent our children and he will always be the father of my children. So yes, we support each other. It's called not being an arsehole. My kids are happier knowing we have each other's backs in a crisis or when the other person needs back-up. If he lost his job tomorrow I would absolutely bail him out financially, without a second thought.

[WitchesHatRim]

It's called not being an arsehole.

Big difference between supporting your DC and being both the financial and emotional crutch to your ex, for every little thing. Especially when you have remarried!

If he lost his job tomorrow I would absolutely bail him out financially, without a second thought.

Good for you. If I was OPs DW and he did this without even consulting me, then I would be seriously considering leaving.

It isn't his money to chose unilaterally to bale out an ex

[Candlelights]

Sounds like your DW is really reasonable and understanding. I'm which case you've no reason to be agreeing to things behind her back. Talk to her about changes in contact arrangements or requests for money, and agree together how to handle it. There's nothing inherently wrong in being friendly and supportive of your ex - just be a husband to your DW first of all, and get her on board with the choices you make.

[grasspigeons]

I guess you want your child to have a secure loving home so you give your ex the support they need to provide that.

Lots of the things you listed are just what a father does for their child and not at all 'for the ex'

Other things are about enabling your ex to be a good parent and plenty of separated couples do this.

Some things are a little OTT and your ex could stand on her own two feet a bit more.

[Stormborn20]

The stark reality is that, aside from financially supporting your child, everything else you do means that you are having an emotional affair with your ex. If you came on MN and said you had this sort of relationship with a woman you worked with / had been friends with (completely separate from the ways you support your child) that would be the conclusion I think a lot of people would draw. The fact that you keep this secret from your wife means that you know it too...

[Stormborn20]

As one further addition, let me ask you this: if your DW called a man she had a previous long standing sexual and emotional history with to lean on emotionally / help her move house / called him if her car broke down - and kept all this from you because you’d already told her how upset it made you and you kept finding out she was going behind your back to keep doing this, honestly, would you be fine about it? That will give you your answer.

[swingofthings]

So which bit gets to your wife the emotional part or the financial? It's all about context. If you're talking about getting a needed new kitchen and you no way it can be afforded but you then go and pay for the ex to go on holiday with DC then of course she's going to be fed up.

Same if you tell her you can't sit with her to watch a film because you need to do some work but then spend 1 hour on the phone with the ex when she calls to ask for advice about how to deal with her parents then again that would be a good reason to be fed up.

[Samesituation]

Spot on stormborn20 and swingofthings

OP it's great (and expected) you support your son financially and It's lovely you are in a position to do so much extra financially as well.

But I think the general consensus is that it's about time your EXP started standing on her own two feet much more and you stop having 3 people in your marriage. It's only fair to your wife - and yourself.

[Biglettuce]

Just cut out the emotional support and car breaking down - husband to the rescue stuff! It probably makes you still feel wanted, needed and a man - but it’ll drive a wedge between you and your wife - you are her husband now! And a Dad. But not a husband to your Ex anymore...