How much support should I give my ex?

[tobeworriedaboutthis]

I light of a recent thread, keen to understand how much support I should give my ex, or if I'm giving too much - both financially and in other ways.
Have 1 child.
Been separated over a decade.
Financial-
Pay above the CSA agency specified amount.
Pay private education.
Assist in emergencies.
Pay for holiday/weekends away.
School trips.
Clothes, uniforms, school supplies
Gifts/parties etc.
Other ways
Alternative weekends
Extra during holiday
Happy to swap weekends when needed, add extra weekends if needed
Help moving house
Generally if ex is in need she will call me for help - car broken down etc.
Someone to talk to when in need, give advice extra
Very much on the same path when it comes to parenting etc.
Is this the norm ? Or am I blurring the lines/being taken advantage of?
Live currently with my wife of 3 years - no kids.

[ALLIS0N]

Wow, so many handmaidens.

So many who have no idea how tough it is to be a single parent.

And so many women who struggle with the idea that their partner had a life before them and that he continues to have a responsibility for his children for the rest of his life.

[PigletWasPoohsFriend]

So many who have no idea how tough it is to be a single parent

Wrong, try again.

And so many women who struggle with the idea that their partner had a life before them and that he continues to have a responsibility for his children for the rest of his life.

Well there you go, youv'e said it yourself. Responsibility for his child. Not his exW.

HTH

[ijustwantfiveminutespeace]

I would love if my ex was like you.
You are doing a great job financially supporting your son and looking after him but you should step back from supporting your ex in any other way, it's not fair on your current wife. She deserves you 100%.

[Magda72]

@ALLIS0N - you are doing fathers a HUGE disservice!
There are many ways to parent & many nrps do a great job!
I'm a single parent & I do most of the donkey work. My ex's contribution to his kids his vastly different to mine but no less valuable albeit in a different way.

[duckling84]

Wife hates this, so I generally do it then tell my wife after and deal with the inevitable shit storm.

This makes it seem like your prioritises your ex's wellbeing and happiness over your wife's and that is not on. Yes she is the mother of your son but he will not be a child for long and then it will just be you and your wife - your life partner! Start treating her like she is

[swingofthings]

mumsnet is so removed from my experience of separated parents around me. Everything thread here seems to involve and/or encourage conflict.

In my world, people, including exes do things for each other, sometimes reluctantly, but still so because in the end, it benefits the kids.

As an resident parent, I chose not to pursue my ex for maintenance for our two kids. It benefited him and his partner and impacted on my partner, but I knew that doing so would have got him in financial trouble as he had a lot of debts and even though that was his problem (and fault), I knew that it would only impact negatively on our children. I was also always flexible with week-ends, changed arrangements many times to suit, and really just tried to be nice.

Like OP, I was able to do him a 'favour' because I could afford it and I have no regrets. We are not friends, but my priority was to avoid any conflict between us because having been a child of divorce myself, I know that what hurts the most as a kid is to experience their parents not being nice to each other, even if they think that the kids are not aware of their actions.

OP doesn't have to do the above but doing so will directly and indirectly benefit his kids. Mine didn't appreciate my choices when they were younger, but they certainly started to as they became older.

[NorthernSpirit]

You need to split this out to financial support for your child and the emotional support you are still giving your EW.

Financial support - you pay over the CSA, pay for private education, holidays (with you fine, if you are paying for EW holidays that’s not right). Morally you are going above and beyond, good on you.

It sounds like you and the EW haven’t emotionally detached - she rings you in emergencies, you helped her move house, in need she calls you, you are someone she can talk to and she asks you for advice. No wounder your new wife is annoyed. You have been split up from your EW for 10 years and you haven’t emotionally separated. Personally as your new wife I wouldn’t be happy about this.

Co-parenting fine, but she needs to stand in her own 2 feet and be independent. I bet she doesn’t have a partner? I can’t imagine another man being happy with that set up.

[Mrskeats]

I feel very sorry for your new wife
I don’t believe it’s your place to provide emotional support. Does she not have her own partner/family/friends? Especially as it’s been 10 years. I believe that having this kind of no boundaries approach is why second marriages can flounder.

[swingofthings]

It flounders because new partners feel insecure. Would they feel differently if their partner was helping a friend of opposite sex they didn't share kids with?

Many people separate and remain on friendly terms. Having children doesn't make it any different.

[Mrskeats]

No it flounders as the ex’s needs are put above the new wife. It’s not about being insecure it’s about what is appropriate.

[mustbemad17]

There is absolutely no way i'd be running to my ex for emotional or financial support. Why on earth would you?! Screams of somebody who hasn't moved on - especially in ten years!!

I can understand why your poor wife is pissed off. You prioritise your ex over her - if you didn't you would discuss things with your wife before not after. Suggests her thoughts & feelings don't matter as much as your ex's do.

[Mrskeats]

Totally agree must
It’s seems a bit pathetic to go to an ex from ten years ago for help or support.
Be a bloody adult.
I was a single parent for 7 years so I do know it’s difficult.

[mustbemad17]

Single parent here too, with another on the way - even when we have been on our arse there is nothing that would make me want to text him! If it was baby/pregnancy related, as in something was wrong etc then fine, because it concerns him.
My finances, moving home, emotional issues? Hell. No. Way.

[duckling84]

No it flounders as the ex’s needs are put above the new wife. It’s not about being insecure it’s about what is appropriate.

Totally agree. What new wife wants to always feel second best to an ex?

[AnneLovesGilbert]

You don’t sound very committed to your wife.

Poor woman. You honestly sound like your primary adult relationship is with your ex. You must have split up for a reason. You must have chosen your wife for a reason?!

You need to take a big step back from your ex if you want your marriage to last.

If you feel the need to be needed, focus on your wife and being a dad to your child.

Stop being a doormat for your ex. She’s an adult woman. She needs to stand on her own two feet. Are you planning to continue to shower her in cash and be her shoulder to cry on once your son has grown up and left home? If so, you should be honest with your wife and let her find someone who puts her first. If not, how do you expect your ex to cope when the money dries up and you’re not at her beck and call because your child’s wellbeing isn’t founded on her getting what she wants any longer?

I suspect you think you’re a prince among men and want single parents who get no maintenance from their dead beat exes to fawn all over you.

You’re in the wrong place if you’re going to admit you’re screwing over your wife, a stepmum, in favour of your ex.

If you’re interested in understanding how difficult being a stepparent can be, have a read of some of the threads on here. It can bring huge rewards and great happiness. It can be a soul destroying slog with sod all pay off, especially if you end up with a man who bends over backwards to placate a demanding ex. Something to think about.

[TwoDots]

Very well said AnneLovesGilbert 👏🏼

Op, I'm honestly surprised you're still married

[Samesituation]

As per your list - all financial aspects are for benefit of your son. Swapping contact times benefits your son, stepping in at short notice benefits your son, similar parenting ways benefits your son. Current wife could not really have a complaint against any of these unless you are not in a position financially to make all of these contributions.
However your current wife is totally reasonable to think that all the emotional/physical/ practical support you give to EW of a decade is completely unreasonable. Why do you put your current wife's feelings second to your EW? And more importantly Why are you secretive with her about what you do? You need to show more respect to your wife. Im very suprised she has put up with this for 3 years.Id be fecking fuming if my DH was like you are with EW and they have been separated 8 years. Why do you still do all these things 10 years on ? It does seem rather weird. Your EW needs to stop taking the piss out of you and find another handyman.

[Candlelights]

Swapping contact times is unlikely to be for the benefit of the son - I'd guess this is more likely about helping out so the ex can work different hours, or have a social life. Which is fine, but as a step mother I appreciate it if my DH asks me first before he agrees to this kind of request. I know I have to say yes unless there's a real problem with it for some reason, but it makes all the difference to be asked.

I'd also try to pull back from giving out extra money too readily. It's fundamentally your job to support your household and your DS when he's with you, but your ex's job to manage her own - including car breakdown, etc. And you should always speak to your DW first before you agree to things that affect her - financial or contact-wise.

[SleepingStandingUp]

Pay for holiday/weekends away for whom?

Does you ex work?
You're paying for private school, a reasonable amount of maintenance, all school trips, uniforms and supplies, all birthday parties and presents off you both?

Then you are you ex's emotional crutch and practical rescuer who gives her advice on her life?

I'm not surprised your wife is unhappy.

Do you want kids with your new wife?

[swingofthings]

No it flounders as the ex’s needs are put above the new wife. It’s not about being insecure it’s about what is appropriate.
Except that what is appropriate for some isn't for others, which is why OP is asking. Why comparing whose needs he is meeting most?

OP has been separated for 10 years, so in all likelihood, that level of support there when he met his wife but wife kept quiet and accepted it until suddenly, it's an issue? Why is it an issue now? If she didn't like the level of their relationship before why not either raise it before getting married or walking away because she believed he could never meet her needs if he was still involved to that level with his ex?

It's not my situation but it is for a couple of my friends and they don't have an issue with their OH being involved as OP is with their exes. They know that it is nothing more than established friendship and that they are devoted to them. One of them has a similar relationship with her ex. Neither feel that their needs are trumped.

[jaimelannistersgoldenhand]

Candlelights - I swap weekends with my ex so the kids don't miss out on parties, sleepovers etc

[Busymum5]

Hey OP.

I think you are co parenting very well. My ex-husband and I have a very similar "relationship". If I am in a muddle and it has a connection with the kids - I will reach out for help. He may not always be my first point of call but if he is the nearest then, yeah, I will call him.

We have both remarried and have our own family units - but we never forget that we are parents to our own DC. My DH and his DW are ok with our form of co-parenting.

We are all adults and we know that the kids come first. Also its not a one way street - he has also asked for help from me. I am happy to do so.

As they kids have grown; the need for help from one another has reduced. But its nice to know that there is a safety net there if it is needed.

I know so many people will not understand this set up; but it works and we have very happy and adjusted kids as a result.

OP I am assuming that your DC is still young - so extra help is needed but as I said earlier as your DC grows the need for your help will slowly fade out.

But and this is a big "but" - if your DC is in his teens and your ex is still expecting the same sort of access to you, then a talk will be needed. Because as with every teen; they don't really want help from their parents (expect for money! LOL). With the other household stuff as he grows I would hope that your DC will step in and help the mum so her need for your support should tapper off.

Well done OP for being a great parent - I wish you all the best.

[Mrskeats]

If the op has been separated for 10 years and married to new wife for 3 years then the kids can't be that young can they?
We don't know that the new wife didn't think it was a bit much at the start but very reasonably thought things would change now he has a NEW WIFE.
Op the fact that you have posted this means you know this is all a problem as it will continue to be.

[swingofthings]

Why just assuming things would change though? Surely something you'd want to discuss before getting married if it so upsetting.

As always it's mainly about frequency as there's a big difference with asking advice about something over a cup of tea when the kid are dropped off and calling twice a week to ask for something minor at 11pm.

[WitchesHatRim]

OP I am assuming that your DC is still young

Doubt it. They've been separated for over a decade!