Step daughter’s behaviour need help?!

[Hellofreckles]

Hi, I’m new to this (step)mothering thing and don’t know how to go about it, I don’t have children of my own (not until September at least! Haha) my partner’s daughter is lovely she’s embraced me so well and we love having her fortnightly there’s just a few things that really bug me and I’m not sure if it’s because I’ve found out I’m pregnant and it’s somehow changed my mind on her behaviour. I used to think it was cute and funny but I find myself getting worked up about it now.

She’s 9 and interrupts constantly, whether we are in the middle of a conversation, task or even in the middle of responding to her, besides this she non stop talks. Like I mean non stop, even when she’s not talking ‘to us’ she’s just talking it’s like a run by run of every single thing. She doesn’t seem capable of entertaining herself at all unless it’s YouTube, it’s so exhausting! It’s to a point we don’t get any space to ourselves or each other over the weekends when she’s here and I’m wondering how it’ll be when we have a demanding little baby plys a 9 year old that acts more like a toddler. My partner and I are affectionate towards each other but not over the top, anytime we kiss (even if it’s a peck goodbye) she then yells “HEY!” And demands that he kiss her however many times we did.
I don’t know what to say to her when she does these things, can anyone suggest anything? I don’t want to be horrid and I’m conscious of her feelings but it’s also driving me batty and I don’t believe it to be normal behaviour for a child of her age to display. X

Greensleeves - Big cyber hug!!! Thank you! For not judging me harshly and giving me some truly sweet advice like that a friend would give! Everything you said gave me a great deal of comfort reading your comment. I really loved how you said ‘sensitivity, firmness and patience’ the firmness part is what I lack the most and lately finding the patience side too. I think I will suggest to my partner to do more with her as well so I get a little break. Oh I so think pregnancy has definitely caused a shift, I’m more tired so my patience would be running thinner, and it is really non stop no exaggeration which would be exhausting me more. I still adore her that hasn’t changed I’m very lucky to have her come with her father despite my grievances, I’m just aware of things now and want to rectify it so it doesn’t become this avalanche. Maybe I’m just picking up on what I deem undesirable behaviour and stressing about how I will cope in the future. I ultimately just want us all to be as well adjusted as possible.

Quick tip for interrupting - teach her that if she wants your attention when you're talking to someone else, she can put her hand on your arm. You put your hand on top of hers so that she knows you are aware that she is waiting to talk to you. As soon as there is an appropriate break in your (adult) conversation, you give her your full attention. It will take a few repetitions, but I have used this strategy successfully with children as young as 2, so it should work eventually! Good luck - it sounds pretty exhausting...

She sounds perfectly normal and like a very excited 9 year old (I have one of my own so see them a lot. So what she is doing is fine but its also fine to gently implement boundaries

With the affection - she grew up in an affectionless environment between her parents so cut her some slack

And some are better at things than others - my nearly 9 year old bathes herself until it comes to hair washing and I do it for her so its done properly

It sounds as if you have fallen into the trap of thinking you know how a child should be even though you personally have never had children of your own.

It’s always hard taking on someone else’s children, and someone else’s children’s behaviour isn’t going to seem endearing to you in the same way it does to their parent for instance. Similarly your own baby won’t be the centre of everyone else’s world, and there will be people who stare at you when your baby is screaming in public or having a two-year-old tantrum etc because it’s not their child and someone else’s screaming child just isn’t cute. .

The key here is to step back a bit and perhaps try to see the middle ground between what is genuinely annoying behaviour and what is normal behaviour but you find annoying because she’s not yours.

At nine constant chatter is perfectly normal, but if she’s interupting then she needs to be gently told that x is speaking right now and then addressed after they’ve finished. But it’s all about her finding those boundaries, and if she’s never previously been told then she doesn’t know that that’s how it is. Similarly with not playing on her own, some children can play on their own while others just don’t have what it takes because they’re sociable and like to share their play with others. Also if she’s an only child she may always have had a parent to interact with on that level, and she may have spent a lot of time in the company of adults hence why she joins in chattering when adults are.

And there are some completely unrealistic expectations here such as you expecting her to play alone for a couple of hours while you and her dad take a nap. Sorry but that’s completely unreasonable. If you need a nap that’s fine but reality is that at nine the expectation would be that there be adults around for her, so her dad shouldn’t be taking daytime naps and expecting his child to entertain herself during that time.

By all means take a step back and allow her dad to parent her. But be open to the reality that your baby will exhibit many of these traits as it grows up, and dispense with the idea that the baby will be fitting in with your lifestyle because that’s not going to happen. .

Just wanted to add, accepting children's personalities doesn't mean not disciplining them for what is socially rude behaviour. Talking all the time isn't, but interrupting is and I don't understand parents who don't pick on on kids who do so (don't most do at some age?).

Then again, many adults are just as bad, and now thinking about it, my DH and especially his mum do it all the time when we are all together which does annoy me! DD and DS wouldn't dare do so like they do!

What you describe (constant talking, interrupting, wanting the same number of kisses, not being able to play independently at all) sounds like she could be feeling anxious and insecure or just that something in her world isn’t right.

My DD does the constant talking thing when she’s anxious, it’s like a self distraction tecnique as if it stops her thinking about what’s really bothering her.

Get your DH to look up ‘lovebombing’. I would guess if you give her masses of attention (not saying you don’t already) but get him to really focus on her for a short while, she will feel happier and more secure and the attention seeking behaviour will stop.
Little things like him wanting a 2 hour nap when he doesn’t see her that often seem a bit mean, especially as her behaviour does indicate she is struggling.
Could he get up with her in the morning, it will give them some nice time together (they could maybe have breakfast/hot chocolates on the couch watching telly). It might be a bit horrible for her up on her own while her dad is with you in bed. I don’t mean to sound critical just sometimes little things make a big difference.

Usually with kids, behaviour (especially undesirable behaviour) is them communicating something.

The interrupting is probably habit, her dad needs to gently pull her on this but it could take a while. Maybe make her wait really short gaps at first (20/30 seconds) and say thank you for waiting. You may want to wait until you have tried the lovebombing though and let this go for now. Usually when kids are in a happy place, things like this are much easier to change.

hellofreckles perhaps she I just needier due to the fact that her parents have split and being a part of two families, no matter how hard you try to make the adjustment easy for them it must still be difficult and confusing especially when she goes to school and her friends parents are still together.

As I’ve said DSD has gotten better as she’s got older but she’s needed praise, affection (not only when she asks for it, sometimes it’s just a simple gesture for her to cuddle in to me when we’re sat on the sofa etc). Sometimes there’s more factors at play like for example her life at her mums house, if her mum has a partner does she get on with them, does she get plenty of attention at mums house.

I hope the baby will bring you closer together. I tried so hard to love DSD at first and no matter how hard I tried I felt guilty that I didn’t, I do have a friendship with her though and we are close. Sometimes you may feel overwhelmed and like you can’t do this anymore (like I was just a couple of days ago) but if it’s worth fighting for you just have to smile and crack on.

A word of warning on the chattering... one of my My DD was like this at your DSD age and she still is at 24 .
She didn't Interrupt but she never stops talking. It does my head in 😂

I still talk too much in my 40s and annoy my DH and friends at times (and posters here because I type too much :)) I won't change for anyone though, it's who I am!

BTW. There are some very thoughtful and helpful posts on this thread. 9 year old are often a bit annoying. It's just they way they are.

Do you end up doing everything together when she is staying with you? Can you encourage your husband to do things with her on his own.

The constant interruptions thing is extremely wearing. Unfortunately some children take a lot longer to acquire social skills than others. Consistency is v important, to keep reminding her not to interrupt and, at a quiet point, to talk with her about taking turns with talking. It may take her a looong time to improve though, be warned. And try to make a point of praising her when she manages not to interrupt, that is very important.

Tbh I have only ever met one stepmother who truly demonstrates equal love to all the children, so so many step parents simply don't get it. Can't imagine how the stepkids must feel.

I missed the 2 hour nap! Yeah not happening with children (unless you count falling asleep on the sofa).

The more I read this the more I think its your unrealistic expectations in the main (and a need for some gentle boundaries with more realistic expectations on your part)

I have a 9yo dd and what you've described behaviour wise sounds spot on. I don't supervise in the bath but I do go in and wash her hair for her. I will say it is hard for a 9yo to occupy themselves if they're currently the only child. Plus left to their own devices for 2 hours would mean chaos in my house, she'd occupy herself but likely it would be with something I don't want them playing with.

Consistency is v important, to keep reminding her not to interrupt and, at a quiet point, to talk with her about taking turns with talking
Totally agree, but also need to make sure to listen when they do want to talk. I have noticed some parents (and I think I have been guilty of this myself) who can get on with conversations and almost forget the children that are around them. This is especially if the adults themselves talk a lot, or who are not used to having children around them. It's important to remember to give children a chance to get involved in some of the conversations during the day so that they don't feel they are being ignored, hence the need to interrupt.

Some brilliant advice on this thread (especially love the hand to indicate want to interrupt and hand in reply so you know they know). We only have the OP's voice, but i do winder where the other parent is in all this. Does he parent actively, or leave much of that to OP, who has become the 'default parent' in his time? Watch for that OP and don't let it happen to you.

Attachment issues?

I reckon there are rocky roads ahead with new baby, she’s very likely to feel replaced by a ‘better version’ which has both parents all the time.

Good luck

My dd was incredibly insecure at 9 (for valid reasons relating to her dad). She would go hysterical if she saw us holding hands or showing each other affection. I was about to call it off with boyfriend but he insisted we saw a child councillor. What dd actually needed was not for us to stop being affectionate, but for her to be included, so when he walked in to our home he wild hug us both. That worked. She is now closer to her stepdad than she is to me!

My dsd was equally insecure but the above didn’t work with her. Like your dsd, she interrupted constantly. She simply resented the fact her dad loved me too and wanted nothing to do with me. Dh told her and showed her constantly how much he loved her but to no avail and walked on eggshells, being too scared to tell her off for anything. As a young adult she’s now cut him off.

I think it’s important for your dh to lovingly show her clear boundaries of what is/isn’t acceptable, or you are setting yourselves up for problems down the line.

She simply resented the fact her dad loved me too and wanted nothing to do with me. Dh told her and showed her constantly how much he loved her but to no avail and walked on eggshells, being too scared to tell her off for anything. As a young adult she’s now cut him off.
It's not so much about telling a kid that they are loved though, it's about trying to avoid a sudden change in dynamism.

As a mum who was single for about 5 years, most of my conversations at home were with my kids. They were used to this and took it for granted as they knew no different. Then I met my now DH and suddenly, when he were all together, the conversations became 70% with him. I remember exactly the same as a kid with my dad when we used to be constantly conversing when I was with him but suddenly, when my SM came into his life, I had to adjust to hardly be involved in conversations and 'wait my turn' for him to do so with me as we used to.

That's why I think it's very important to ensure that not only kids still have time to have one to one conversations with their parent, but also to continue to include them in some 'adult' conversation as their parent probably used to do with them.

Things as simple as what to eat that evening. They might have got used to dad asking them this question and then deciding what they needed to buy and when they would go. Suddenly, dad has that conversation with his new partner and new partner gets annoy when SC butts in, makes suggestion etc... in a conversation that his between her and dad. If they are told off then, when they don't see what they're doing wrong because that's what they've always done, they are likely to feel both rejected and resentful.

Does she see other households. Is she the only child with her DM.
Perhaps she hasn't had to experience waiting her turn. So is hardly likely to think of it herself.

Urgh... my 7yo DD is like this. She has plenty of attention, is secure and loved, extremely confident, very bright etc. It is simply her personality! She can be overbearing at times and very very annoying, but she is my baby and I’m obliged to adore her lol. I correct her whenever she interrupts but the reality is that young children get over excited and like to be at the centre of everything. If you need to have a serious adult conversation then it’s best to either do it in a different room to her or wait until she’s in bed.
There isn’t necessarily any issues with your DSD as some others have suggested and I wouldn’t tip toe around the interrupting issue. However the incessant chatter or as I like to call it “constant life narration” is a quirk of her age group. Most kids around this age chat away... well at least the confident, bright ones do anyway. So maybe it’s a positive (annoyed as hell) but she’s confident enough to voice her opinions and want to be involved.
Honestly I adore my DD but I have the natural instinct to love —tolerate— her

Honestly some 9yo are like this! Well- so are lots of children of different ages!

It's a personality thing. Some children love and need attention. I think they start talking and almost shut off and don't realise they are still doing it.

I'd say keep telling her "I'm busy at the moment - when I've finished we'll sit together and ....."

My ds always did the toilet thing. Take the iPad/phone in. Sit and watch, ignore. When they finally go away do what you need to do - the go out and offer attention as if nothing has happened! Some children will cotton on after 2/3 times of this - some take 2/3 years!

Chattering a lot isn't unusual at her age. One of my DC was like that. She's now 15 and doesn't interrupt or anything like that, but can chat a fair bit unlike her Dsis.

She's not and never was overtalkative at school ... so I saw it that she feels comfortable, relaxed and secure at home to do this.

I'd agree that expecting a 2 hour nap in the day isnt going to happen. It's an unrealistic expectation and just because you've bought art and craft stuff.... so she entertains herself... that's bit enough. From her POV it probably comes across as rejection bad abandonment...like she's not interesting enough to keep you awake.

It's not like you were both really ill to justify a 2 hour nap. You'll need to develop flexibility and try and understand things grom the p perspective of a child ...which I realise is easier said than done.

You should also include her in your displays of affection, so she doesnt feel like she's an intruder getting in the way of you wanting to take things further.

I know my DD had said (when DH and I hug/kiss) "oh nobody's hugging me .. I'll just go to my room then. She says it in a joking manner now at her age (15) ... so we'll say do a group/family hug and make her part of it.

I understand the need and desire to show her and model a good relationship...which has affection in it...I just thunk you need a balance and while she's visiting your home... do include her in it.

It’s to a point we don’t get any space to ourselves or each other over the weekends
In a way, having a baby might actually help as the above might be a thing of the past anyway. Your baby will also get into your space as a couple and you'll have to learn to make space around the children, ie. between 9pm and 6am if you're lucky.

^This. Once kids are around you never have time together unless they’re asleep. It’s something you just have to accept as a parent. I can imagine it’s a rude shock with sudden step kids if you haven’t had the practice of a baby.