Tea times and Bed Times

[LMW1990]

Hi All - this is my first post on MN, still learning all the lingo!

I'm a SM to 2 beautiful children whom I absolutely adore. My DSD is 7 in two weeks’ time and my DSS just turned 3 on NYD (which also happens to be my birthday). I'm 28. I have been with their father for 2 years and they started to stay with us gradually around 6 months ago. They now stay 3 nights per week and we have them all day each Saturday. The pattern we have them suits both our work pattern and their mum's (she works shifts). As a family, we all rub along together nicely and I get on very well with my OH family. I don't speak to OH ex or have any contact with her, save to send school uniform and clothes back washed and ironed (something that is not reciprocated).

My OH family have been concerned about how the children are looked after by their mum for some time. I would go as far as to call it neglect but she seems content to live in a dirty house, the children's clothes often smell of mildew and they only seem to eat convenient rubbish foods. My DSD has had toilet issues for a number of years and until recently frequently messed her pants, refused to go to the toilet and absolutely screamed the house down about going for anything but a wee. Her mum says she does not do it at her house, however she has come to my house smelling and in dirty knickers with dried poo in them more times than I care to remember. We have been to GP regarding this issue and are making steady progress, but it still concerns me (and others) that she seems to be allowed to sit in her own mess elsewhere.

Since they have been staying with us I have always tried to instil house rules such as eating at the table, everyone eating together, tidying up toys etc, and so far so good. They are now eating a more varied diet with us and I try to introduce new foods (especially fruits and veggies) as much as I can. I limit (sometimes with some resistance) their fizzy drinks, I don't allow sugary things before bed time and if tea isn't eaten (or a good effort been made at it) there's no additional 'treats' afterwards. My OH is softer than I am though so sometimes things aren't followed through.

Does anyone have any advise on how to introduce more food to the children? My DSS eats like a sparrow but always wants crisps, chips and sweets. I want to make sure that whilst ever they are with us they are getting the nutritional food they need.

Bed time is also becoming a little bit tiresome. They absolutely insist on watching something before bed but I worry they are not winding down for a good night’s sleep. At what time are most 3 and 7 year olds in bed?

I may overly worrying but I am so keen to make this work for everyone, and as I say, I have a very good relationship with both children. DSD frequently tells me she loves me and DSS loves to sit and cuddle. I in no way want to take over being their mum. DSD has called me mummy on two occasions and I have corrected her both time. I want to be a significant part in their childhood but I would never want to take away the role that both their parents play.

I'd be grateful for any advice of improving their diet and also winding down at bed time.

TIA

I’m always being told how filthy my house is by Ex’s OW, I kinda agree with her, but until the kids get diphtheria I’m gonna carry on ignoring it

Routine - I almost always read with them, except when I don’t, then they watch telly and play on iPads

Bedtimes - 6yo and under was 7pm, 7-8yo was 7.30pm, 9yo was 8pm, and 10yo is 8.30pm. Sometimes it’s later, coz I’m a slattern (I learned that word on this site, and I love it, I’m dropping it into regular conversation from here on in)

OP I think you're trying waaaay too hard here. I'm sure you're trying to act in everyone's best interests but really it sounds like you're doing ALL the parenting. Yes you are a family & you should be sharing the load but in my opinion your part in that should be supporting your dp in his parenting, not trying to organize his kids for him.
For eg - my dp (who is not my kids' dad) eases my load by helping me around the house, doing his own laundry & helping with shopping & lifts. I do all the personal/intimate mum stuff - it's not his place to do that & nor would I expect him to.
Like others I mean the above kindly.

On the “winding down for bed”, I dunno, I am speaking with both DSC and DC here. I always did the whole school - snack -homework - tea - jigsaw - bath - book - bed, but my DSC always did manic play - tea - manic play - tv/iPad - bed. It was weird for me to begin with, but actually they took no longer to fall asleep than mine, and probably had more fun!

So now, we see what mood the kids are in, like ourselves, sometimes you come back from work and are geared up for the gym or on a cleaning frenzy (not me so much!) other times you want to curl up with a book (oh the luxury), or just slump in front of telly

Whatever gives them a break to readjust after school

I’ve rethought my approach, they don’t all necessarily need this Stepford 2 hour wind down

I’d only be bothered if they were still awake at 9pm, hyper and upset, then overtired the next day

I love my DSC as my own, but they’re not my own, I hugely struggled with the fact they have a biscuit on the way to school every morning (after breakfast), and their table manners were in my view appalling (talking with full mouths, leaving table without asking etc), so within our home my standards are met, doesn’t mean their Mum is slovenly etc quite the opposite, we just have different priorities (she sends them out the house immaculate every day, I can’t even find a hair brush most mornings!)

My DC’s SM (the OW) would probably write a status like yours about me tbh, my house is disgusting, not dirty, but sooooo messy (4 children under 10), frequently they go to hers in a dirty top or unbrushed hair, doesn’t mean my kids aren’t loved, my priority is to read with them all every night (even the 10yo iPad addict), and they each get a 15minute bedtime private cuddle with their natural parent (i.e. DH with DSC, me with DC). I am strict on teeth-brushing, anything else is a pleasant surprise!

Some really snidy comments on here! The OP is trying her absolute best here to include her step children and not show favouritism and really working hard with them and caring about their health etc. She was never suggesting that she try to control what their mother feeds them etc. She was just pointing out that there is clearly an issue at home and she's trying to get her kids and step kids to have the same rules under her roof which is fair enough. I think you're doing a great job OP. Unfortunately the mother doesn't sound as interested in her children's health as you are and there really is nothing you can do about it. But keep up doing what you're doing and make sure your partner is on board with you x

Sorry OP I thought you had children yourself. Just realise you don't. Still, you're doing an excellent job at being step mum and imposing rules the way you want them in your house is good, especially if you end up having kids yourself. They should all have the same rules x

Oh - in getting them to try new foods, IMO the only way to make this happen is for them to cook with you, we tend to see baking as the holy grail of motherness, but (again IMO) it’s cooking, as this provides nutritional skills for life

You could also try putting lots of little bowls of different foods out and letting them try tiny morsels

Remember too, many kids get ‘scared’ by big mounds of food in front of them, better to clear a plate and ask for seconds

We only have pudding if eating out, never at home, and the kids don’t even notice!

I would go as far as to call it neglect

I really wasn't meaning to suggest that she is neglectful in the slightest

You clearly don't approve of the way she raises her children!

It's clear that you love these kids and you are trying really hard to be a good step-parent, but it does sound like you are driving this, rather than their dad. You are parenting in a way that people without kids think they will parent before they actually become parents. Relax a little, talk to your DH to agree the rules and back off the judgement of their mum.

OP - I think you sound lovely and also completely relate to you. You're right - you're a family in your home and so you do things together - in the real world that is exactly how a blende defaming should work where possible. I hate the whole his kids his problem stance that a lot of people seem to promote on here. It's obviously only my opinion but I think you're doing it the ideal way (I'm sure a lot of people disagree with me and that's fine too)

Regarding the toileting - this is actually a medical condition called encopresis in its more permanent form and it takes a lot of strict routine and hard work to get better. And it is incredibly hard to resolve if both parents aren't on the same page, especially if there are different standards or expectations in different houses. As your SC are with you almost half the time it will make it easier to make more permanent changes but ideally you and your partner and their mother all need to be enforcing the same routine and rules. The doctors will give you guidance on what to do.

Good luck OP I'd say those children are lucky they have another person in their lives willing to love them and guide them through their childhood.