"The kids come first." What does it mean to you?

[ladybee28]

Brand new SM here, reading every thread on this forum and books out my ears, trying to get educated and prepared!

And I've noticed "the kids have to come first" seems to come up everywhere, but often used in different ways / with different meanings and intentions.

I've got my own thoughts but don't want to direct the discussion down one path when someone might otherwise say something I'd never thought of, so am keeping my opinions to myself for the time being (hoping that's not bad posting etiquette?)

I'm interested: what does 'coming first' mean to you?

My husband is the step parent to my son, and he sometimes complains of being an outsider, that me and my son are a unit and he sometimes feels left out.

I am mindful of this but much of it comes from us having different views on parenting. He believes, for example, that parents should always present a united front. While I broadly agree, I can’t endorse some of his Victorian/childish parenting tactics. I will intervene if I believe my son is being treated unfairly. I would hope he’d do the same with me. It’s not about bio parentage. It’s about treating our son fairly and respectfully.

That’s what ‘kids come first’ means to me. I will put my son’s wellbeing above my partner’s feelings. I’d do it he was his bio dad too, though.

@Bellamuerte - I don't think you're selfish at all. I think everyone should be prioritized in a relationship (not to the detriment of the kids) but in the sense that - as others have said - the kids see the adults as a unit. That is a positive thing for kids to see.
I'm a mum and a sm & I honestly think that the kids of divorced parents get way too much attention (from everyone, inc. gps etc.) & get far more attention than kids of non divorced parents. My kids have lots of friends whose parents are still together & they are not treated with kid gloves & they just have to get on a deal with mum & dad working, mum & dad not always being able to make every school play or concert, mum & dad going away together on their own, mum & dad having date nights, mum & dad not being able to afford family holidays.
So many kids of divorce get treated with kid gloves & from what I see & read end up a entitled adults with victim mentalities.

"Kids come first" means I will never come first in a relationship with someone who has kids. Which is the main reason I've never dated men with kids. It's selfish but I want to be prioritised in my relationship.

Totally agree and I don't think it's selfish at all. What I do think is selfish is when people want to be prioritised but choose to date people with kids anyway then act up about it. Parents should absolutely put kids before a new partner, and above the new partner's feelings about the children's other parent. The kids didn't have a choice about the parents separating and don't have the option to leave the situation like the new person does.

I believe it means, children's safety & welfare must come first.
But, I don't believe it means that parents/stepparents must not have a life of any sort, that doesn't include the little darlings.....just case they are; upset, angry, miffed or just too bloody selfish, to let their parents out of they're sight occasionally.
Kids are an important part of any family, but they shouldn't be considered the main pivot round which, evryone/thing else must revolve.,

When "kids come first" a relationship is doomed. Not only a step parenting one. It applies in a nuclear, first family too. Prioritise your children over your husband/wife and your relationship and your marriage will fail or be very unhappy and full of resentment. Happens all the time.

For me the relationship comes first. It doesn't mean my DS will go without of course but if me and DH need time for ourselves we will prioritise that..DS doesn't always like staying with a grandma or a babysitter but he needs to adjust as his parents together are most important for him and them.
Likewise a teenage SD tantruming and acting out and not liking her father having a life has to adjust as the relationship is most important. If not prioritized the relationship will fail just like her parents one failed and its not good wheb a child get this kind of power. Makes them into horrid adults.

I usually find that it means someone who can't really be arsed to parent properly and give their child whatever they want to shut the little darlings up.

It should mean that they parent properly.

The kids needs come before adults. The kids wants dont. For example if we both need new coats, there's are bought first. If I need a new coat and he wants a new game, the coat comes first.

DP will have to do it for appointment soon, for his DC and our DC! Don't envy him that.

What I get from reading this thread is that although people have different perspectives, all perfectly reasonable, there is a trend to think that whatever perspective one agrees, they think it should apply regardless of the individual involved and this is why I personally think it often goes very wrong.

There is no one way is the right way for all and I think that's what I've really learnt with my children.

The point of blending a family is that your little unit becomes a bigger unit.
This is exactly what my ex and his partner believed in. In many ways, it was a good approach, treating all the children the same being the right thing to do. It worked well with my DD who blended quite well in that family and found her place. It was a disaster for my DS. Why? Because my DD is family oriented, extroverted, the children involved were all girls, so it was easier for her to identify with them and she is just an easy unemotional child who rarely gets upset by anything.

My DS however is introverted, doesn't feel comfortable in groups, feels much happier in one to one situation, needs his own space, doesn't open up about his feelings unless he feels totally secure, and won't demand anything, but will just back off from situations he doesn't feel comfortable. What he needed wasn't a blended family, but a father that was going to give him some male one to one time.

SMs have different needs, fathers have different needs, children have different needs. Children comes first means that their individual needs based on their own individual personalities are taken into consideration.

I do agree with you Banana that everyone's needs should be taken into consideration, but when the needs of one clashes with the needs of the other, it becomes very hard for the person who's expected to answer to those needs to do so for all involved. I am in that situation and it is very hard. At the moment, I am managing it although at a cost to my stress levels.

Kids come first though means that if one day, I thought that my kids well-being was affected to a point that there was nothing I could do to make them better than to leave my OH, then yes, I would pick my child over my OH because my child is my responsibility, my OH isn't.

What he needed wasn't a blended family, but a father that was going to give him some male one to one time

I'm not sure why this couldn't happen in a family blended in the way that i mentioned. The point is that everyone gets their needs met. If one child's needs aren't being met then that obviously needs to be addressed in whatever way is best.

In my blended family of three children, one child is mine and two are my partners. We're lucky that they all get along, excepting the usual sibling type squabbles. Equally my DPs two are with us 50% of the time which means my DD automatically gets quality time with me on her own, which she was used to before we got together.

However when we are all together we interact as a normal family. Usually confusing most people we meet as they can't work out who is mum or dad to who as the kids call us a total mixture of first names and parent names!

As I say, it works for us and we've been very lucky that it was relatively easy. An antidote to most of the step situations you read about on MN