Trying to be a stepdad but not allowed..

[LostMale87]

Hi guys this is my first thread and not sure if this is the right way to go about things but I need some advice..

I've been with my partner for 4 and a half years and in this time I have watched her two children change for children to teenagers.

Her youngest who's 13 has been diagnosed with depression and sits in his room all day playing computer games sometimes up to 18 hours a day but a minimum of 13 hours. He is currently not going to school as the school apparently said he shouldn't be there although nothing has been sorted about how he will continue his education. He has missed a full term so far..

The issue I have is their mum won't allow any kind of confrontation.. I can't say turn your computer off at half 2 in the morning because he will get upset. The only way of me saying my piece is to tell my partner to which all he'll breaks loose because I moan as I "hate" the kids when in reality I moan because I know they could be better than what their mum is letting them be by wrapping them up ALL the time..

My partner and I constantly have these arguments because to me it seems she's leaving him to do as he pleases (which in my eyes is reason he has ended up in this position).

I'm watching my partner let her son self destruct because she won't do anything about it and I can't just sit and watch it happen.. I believe she's too proud to admit that she may have made mistakes and also too proud to make changes.

Has anyone been in this situation in any way? Can anyone help me with what as a stepdad i should be doing?

I am the mother of a child like this. I ended up raising a child in fear of their reactions.

It's shit. Totally shit for all involved, the parent, siblings, involved grandparents and, especially, the child involved.

Honestly, if I'd had a step parent there beside me, I doubt I'd have taken advice. I doubt I'd have been able to. I was so far down a rabbit hole trying to survive, trying to "save" that child I couldn't see the wood for the trees (and it's only years later that I recognise that).

I have no advice for you other than this based on my experience (so apply liberal salt as required) You can't help. You can't fix. You can't be the voice of reason looking in from the outside.

You have all the right wants and hopes. The fact you want the best for SS is fantastic. However the reality is that they have dived down into an insular world only they can get out of

Your choices are to leave or to stand back and suport you partner through her part of this journey regardless of what you think about the route to get here.

Personally I'm glad I was single. I have a partner now and the child is an adult but even now he bites his tongue and I am careful what I share. It's a long long road.

Fizz - I have realised. Which is why I’m leaving my husband. I’ve rented a flat and in the New Year me and my DS are gone.

I simply couldn't be with such an ineffective parent. I'd loose patience and respect for them.

Her son will noir develop into a fully functioning adult and it will impact on your relationship going forward.

It sounds like way too much hard work and hassle..... and unless she does something.... then things will only get worse.

Depressed or not surely structure in your day as a child is beneficial?
Absolutely, and as I said, it sounds like your OH is not working with the professionals involved as she should. She should listen to THEM though, not as it's been said, you don't have a good relationship with him, so nothing you do directly or through his mum is going to work.

The best thing you can do is try to encourage your partner, not make her feel like she is a bad mum, dealing with it poorly. She is probably overwhelmed, overburden with guilt and hopelessness, and at lost as to how to best deal with it. What she knows is that taking a disciplinarian approach as the one you are promoting is not going to work.

How long has the situation been like this and is she actually getting help herself to deal with it?

Yes I have been in your position lostmale and it’s really tough, you have all my sympathies.

So from someone who really does know, it is impossible to just ignore and why should you? You are not a lodger, you are a parental figure and your wife needs to wise up. You have been living there for 4.5 years, that is time enough to be able to also have a say in minimum rules and standards in your house.

Your wife is undermining you by not allowing you to be parental - because as you say - you ARE being parental anyway in ways that she ‘approves’ like providing rent, housework, doing nice things with your step son. Your step son and wife can’t have it only one way.

I am also talking as someone who has a son, who has/(had) a step Dad and I did not undermine my DP. Yes, sometimes he was too heavy handed, we talked about it. There has to be some middle ground, some negotiation - you can’t be the ‘boss’ and yet you can’t be ignored totally either parentally. It’s tricky but it can be done.

I would have a really, really frank talk with your wife and say that you are in a parental role and need to be heard. Say that you are prepared to accept some things that you don’t necessarily agree with (please mean this - you must let a lot of things go) - but pick say three things that you’d like to see SOME change (you must be prepared to not get everything!). But stick to this.

Go to couples counselling if this does not work.

Then sit down, together, with your step son and put up the new rules. He’ll kick off, she’ll probably cave in sometimes. Just keep calm and don’t shout or lose your rag. That’s important, you are a step Dad and any shouting or even mildly aggressive stances are going to be way more intimidating for your step son than if you were his father - as you haven’t got a well of love to balance out feeling cross with him - so being really gentle too.

Your step son also is probably crying out to be treated as more of an adult and anything you can do to bolster this will really help him. Even if you join in a computer game with him - just for a while - or take him to something he might love like go karting.

In fact none of this will work unless you also find a ‘way in’ to your step sons heart, even in a small way, bribe him a little by buying some small things for him - some chocolate or drinks. These small things will show both him and your wife that rules are out of a position of care rather than authority.

Good luck.

P.s. OP I had a step daughter who was like this in many ways, basically ruling her parents, my DP, and causing an awful atmosphere in the house. She was given way too much agency. I did fail I think, she had poor hygiene, no respect at all for anyone else, would be late, rude, stayed in her room a lot.

I also had to teach her to take a bus at age 16, strangely enough.

She didn’t want to do anything with me, although I did get her out on a trip or two, and often bought her nice things. Sometimes I just went into her room with her and said come on, let’s throw out old stuff and make this place nice and we tidied together.

Unfortunately in the end it all the appeasing to her made her impossible - she totally ignored me and my son for months - horrible way to live - and started criticising how I parented my toddler.

She went to live with her Mum as I put my foot down and told her to stop ignoring my son, she flounced off and has not returned. I’m actually relieved although DP still just runs after her and rewards that kind of behaviour.

He sorted out her going to Uni and basically got her a place, got all the books, ferried her everywhere. Yet she dropped out after a few months. She spent a year doing nothing until her Mum got sick of that and now works 4 hours a week - and her parents are still telling her how well she is doing. She’s 22 years old, lives with her Mum, still rude and hasn’t talked to me or her step/half siblings for 2 years.

Kids like that are like rivers, they will take the easy course if parents let them. They are doing them no favours.

Op, what do you get out of this relationship ? If you re not allowed to stop this lad from self destructing why did your partner let you move in ?

@LostMale87 hi op just wondered if you had made any inroad in with this - my own Ds is like your Dss in many ways and I too am struggling to know how to help - its effecting everything my relationship with him' my personal life and his Dsis - I don't want to give up on him - I've had all sorts of advice - get professional help, send him to hi DF ( which personally is at the route of it all although I admit I haven't helped can't do right for wrong ) but I also can't carry on like this - something needs to change after Xmas I don't know what - thanks