Equality ( AIBU)

[jingleberries]

Been with DP 3 years now. I have a DS 6 and he has a DD 9. We see His DD EOW and she hates the ground I walk on / the air that I breathe etc. It's not a great relationship! But that's for a different thread. DS's father died when he was just born so it's just me and him extended family wise. No 'second' xmas for him. DP has just announced that we should spend equal amounts on the children. I recoiled in horror ( an over reaction I agree but is how I feel) and pointed out that his dd has xmas day with her Mum ( we never get her for Xmas as per her mother, it would be too upsetting) so she will be getting spoiled on Xmas and Boxing Day. I'm not suggesting we get her nothing. Have already started a plan where I keep back some of DS presents for Boxing Day and have a lovely stash of pressies for her ( that will be from Santa and nothing to do with me as if she thinks they are anything to do with me they will be ignored) DP now annoyed with me as I am spending more on my son than we are spending on his dd. ( we have separate finances and I would earn considerably more than him). I can see his side but also my own. Who is BU??

Don't spend your money evening it out. His problem. Selfish prick.

Your DP sounds awful..why are you with him?

He's not awful. Except when it comes to his DD and then the Dad guilt turns him into someone else. He is getting better, he really is but I have kind of accepted that she will always be a bone of contention in our relationship. And pSMum am sure he will get me a token present but again the resentment builds......

I spend what I want on my ds and my partner spends what he wants on his dc, I could slightly understand your partner's stance if you have children together but it sounds like you don't. My partner has 4 dc, I have 1, I would not dream of spending less on my ds just because he could not afford to spend 4 x what I do. I know MN loves family money but I don't think that is realistic when you have combinations of step families.

I’m with you. If you have separate finances anyway. I’d do it like this - your ds gets from you, and dsd gets from her dad. It’s up to you how much you spend - if you want to spend £500 on your ds and dp only wants to spend £50 on his dd then that’s up to him. Both children get a token present from their step parent.

Sorry jingles you are now descending into the down right nasty about a 9 yr old girl.

You are enjoying the fact you will send more on your DC and she will not be there for Xmas.
fundamentally your relationship is uneven, you resent anything to with this child and you resent her father not earning as much as you. You list everything you pay more on - this is not going to end well.

Lifeandtgeuniverse im not certain how I am being downright nasty or how I am 'enjoying ' the fact she is not there for Xmas. That is a statement of fact. If she was with us for Xmas I can completely understand how we couldn't have one child getting more than the other but as she is not here she will not be aware of what DS is getting, she will be getting plenty spoiled at home and then presents here the next day. And I don't resent that DP earns less than me. Just that he wants me to spend more on his DD when he doesn't have the decency to get her to speak to me in my own home

jingleberries if it's your house, and you should buy whatever presents you want for your ds, and your dp won't get you a present, and you have separate finances, do wtf you want

Your relationship isn’t equal you have separate finances and separate stances on parenting. I can’t see this having a future.

Why are separate finances the death knell on a relationship? As far as I can see more problems arise from joint finances. We have joint finances when it comes to household stuff but we are keeping the rest separate and usually that works well. As for parenting, I am NOT DSD's parent. She has a mother and a father. I am as I would like to be sen a responsible adult in her life but neither she nor her mother want me to have any input into her life or wellbeing and I am shut out no matter what I have tried.

My general view is that with 2 children boy girl 3 years apart in age, presents should be about buying something they want rather than spending a fixed amount per child

One might get bigger present one year, vice versa following year

So I don’t really have a view on the second family doubling up

But from what you have posted OP it sounds like you have much bigger issues

And a twat of an OH who is not planning to get you a present

Thanks lovetolurk. am certain he will get me a token present. There will be much trouble if he doesn't even manage that!!!

I dont think you are being unreasonable, As she is getting presents already on xmas day and spending it seperately, She wont know what your child has for christmas.
Just tell him hes known it was christmas all year so if he was that keen to buy lots of christmas presents for his daughter he shouldnt relie on you, especially when you have been treated badly to have to buy the presents for her when she doesnt even like you.
I dont blame you for feeling that way I would to, Its natural.

As you have separate finances and aren't married.... I don't think YABU.

If he wants to match your spending he can.

I suggest you maintain separate finances with his thought process.

Just that he wants me to spend more on his DD when he doesn't have the decency to get her to speak to me in my own home

I'd have a problem with that. No way should you spend your money on a child who doesn't speak to you hardly. It's rewarding bad behaviour.

Does your DP really enhance your life in any significant way?

It seems that this is highlighting a big problem in your relationship.
There's a lot of resentment simmering away and that never works well when it's about children.

I’m presuming that your DP contributes maintenance to his child’s upbringing Op? If that’s the case then he’s already contributing towards one set of gifts from her mum, to pay again for her in her second home makes no sense and tips the balance towards her getting double the amount your DS has.

I agree with other posters, it should be more a question of getting them what they want, we set a £150 limit here on gifts for each child, sometimes they club together funds from their mum to get a big gift (new phone etc). But on a few years we’ve bought one or the other marginally less as they just don’t NEED that much.

I feel your pain on the relationship with his DD, stuck with it OP, it will get better but you’ll have to keep drawing the line and showing him where it is. But it DOES get better!

I get what people are saying about being treated equally, but I think it’s more complex than that

How will it seem equal and fair to the resident child that they open less than the step sibling on Boxing Day?

I think spending the same amount on each child is archaic. I think them having an equal number of presents to open when in each other’s company is more important

I could maybe see his point if they were both with you on xmas day and you were both contributing equally. But as she won't even be there on xmas day to see your son open his presents, what will happen is, on Boxing Day he will need to watch her open her large pile of presents... whilst he may have a couple that have been held back to open. So it will still appear unfair, just in her favour!

Dollyparton3 Maintenance has no relevance here when it comes gifts,it’s for providing a roof over their child’s head, clothing and food in their belly not gifts towards Christmas what a load of bullshit. Sorry to derail your thread op but that comment was a joke and complete disrespect to residents parents who do receive maintenance.

In your opinion Belle, not the experience of all parents. It’s entirely down to how much maintenance a parent is paying and what it goes towards. I know of maintenance payments running into thousands per month

jingleberries Under normal circumstances I'd say the kids should get the same, regardless of what they're getting from anyone else in their families. If your DS always got expensive gifts from your parents, you wouldn't feel obliged to 'make it up' to SD, so you shouldn't do it the other way either.

BUT in your circumstances, and as you've got separate finances and your OH would be expecting your to finances all of this, I'd say don't do it. If he wants to spend the same amount then he can, but he needs to pay for it.

If I were you (and feeling generous) I'd spend what you normally would on SD and let him get the rest. Otherwise I'd tell him it's fine if he wants to spend the same but it's up to him to pay.

Thanks Dolly. It has been tough setting boundaries and sticking with them with DP where his DD is concerned but we are getting somewhere. Slowly but progress is being made . He's a great man with a huge huge blind spot when it comes to his DD which I don't think is the worst flaw to have! It does lead to a lot of rows now though. Thank you all for your input, certainly a lot of food for thought

I agree with you. If both children were there for Christmas Day itself and any 'inequality' would be glaringly obvious, then it would be mean to have more for your DS. However, since that isn't the case, I think you are being reasonable, especially given the fact that your DP refuses to address his DD's disrespect towards you. I wouldn't, though, try to weigh up what is being spent on who. Just buy your DS what you want to for Christmas and don't spend less on him than you would like just because of DSD. You have already bought her lots of lovely things (which, btw, your DP should be insisting she knows are from you both) and if he wishes to buy more for her, let him ho ahead. Spend what YOU choose on your DS, regardless of what DSD may or may not be getting.

YANBU

Not only is your DP expecting you to spend your money on your DSD who doesn't even speak to you, but to not even put your name on it. He's taking the mick!