first time poster - advice needed

[claireef]

Hi all, I am posting for some advice. I have been with my partner for 2.5 years now, we are getting married next may, he has three children with his ex partner, we don’t currently have any children, but are planning on try late next year medical issues allowing.
I don’t know anyone else of my friends/family who are in a situation such as mine, so I thought I would try here for some advice. My partner and his XW situation is very strained as she is the type of person to want her way all the time, and if anyone dares disagree she becomes exceedingly difficult. This is not just with my partner, this is with family and friends as well, as a result neither of her siblings have contact with her or the children and a lot of people have went from her and the children's lives.
Contact and communication with my partner and his ex have not been the best since they have split due to her manipulation, emotional abuse and bullying. I have tried my hardest to make him communicate with her as it is not about them, it’s about the kids, and things have improved slightly. XW and myself did have a cordial relationship, but she now refuses to speak with me after I have helped my partner word responses/emails to her as he is extremely intimidated by her due to their bad relationship, i am not welcome to any school events she is at, not allowed to the door to collect the children etc.
However, our main issue at the moment, is her refusal to accept that any changes/amendments to child care resulting in the children spending more time at mine and my partners house need to be discussed with myself as well. I do not involve myself in parenting decisions etc as, as much as I love my partner's children I am not their parent. I am however, the person that does the food shopping, buys clothes for the children, sorts the finances, keeps track of working rotas, days out, family events etc and generally keeps things running.
My partners XW asks to change nights/days etc - which is always agreed unless work stops this - as it means my partner - and myself - can spend more time with the kids. However, when my partner tells XW that he needs to speak to me first before saying yes WW3 always ensues. I have always encouraged and championed my partner to see his children as much as possible, even to the point that he has left me alone on Xmas Day because he had the opportunity to see them - XW has them xmas day and we have them boxing day - but she refuses to accept that it is courtesy/needed to speak with me before agreeing to changes. This is for practical reasons only. Can anyone give any advice on how we can try and overcome this particular obstacle?

@TwoDots this is exactly my point. You’ve hit the nail on the head. My partner is the same hence why the lions share of day to day things is left to me. He’s not really the type of person who thinks more than half a step ahead, so him taking the time to give me a quick ring and double check if there’s anything he needs to ask/be reminded of/check if the kids have after school activities we need to prep for, shouldn’t be such a big deal.
If he didn’t, he would forget things such as swimming kits, wellies, then XW would call him a bad dad, say he didn’t care ect ect.
I have never, and would never ask him to not see his children, say no to additional contact or try and parent or run his children’s lives in any way. They aren’t my kids, and additionally to that, me doing any of the above would upset my partner and he is my priority.
Again, it’s so nice to know there are other people in the same situation! X

Like i said - he should not mention running it by you to his EX - this comes across as you controlling.

She sounds like a pain in the butt but as always happens on the SM forum - people can not stop having a dig at the EXW about their parenting skills regardless. Unnecessary. As to actively encourage - I presume you have seen and heard her do that!

This is a forum for discussion - that therefore means you get differing view points. You can disagree that is fine no issues - my opinion is if he tells the EX he needs to check with you first if he can look after his DC then he is an idiot for saying it in the first place. As always bit more drip feed along the way to justify the position taken.

And before anyone says it - I am a SM and my DPs Ex and I have a polite relationship - we are so unlike, friendly is unlikely to happen.

You are not alone OP.

Unfortunately there are bitter EW’s out there using their children as weapons to get back at their ex as that’s the only control they have left.

Lifeandtheuniverse - the ex wife in question does not wish to promote contact with the father. Let me give you some examples..... the EW wouldn’t let my OH see the children unless he paid her a certain amount of money (at one point he paid her mortgage in full, paid her an amount for ‘spousal maintenance’ as she refused to work as apparently all women who work are ‘bad mothers’ and he paid way above the CSA guidance for child maintenance.... it wasn’t enough). She refused to let the children speak to their dad on their birthdays and despite agreeing to a holiday with the father to visit his parents - she stopped it at 10pm the night before as she wasn’t happy about something. I remember when she stopped contact for 6 weeks as they were ‘her children’ and she decided that he could not see them. So I disagree with you - this bitter ex wife doesn’t have the children’s best interests at heart she only cares about hurting the father. She doesn’t care about hurting her own children. I’ve never met the women (and have no desire to). I think she’s a disgusting individual - and I base this opionion on the pain I have seen her cause her own children and their father. Even being investigated by social services and she claims to be a wonderful mother.

OP you are not alone. Go formal contact order.

You are right to ask it is run past you. It is not controlling but sensible and constructive.

I still have this, accused of being controlling. So what I just change all my plans last minute for Ex wives convenience? Ex wives do not control ex husbands diary or house! That’s what it boils down too.

But plenty feel like they do. I had without asking all step kids last Easter Holidays because Ex wife fancied a break. DP works. I am at home. I was so mad! I don’t mind looking after then full time sometimes - but bloody hell I like to be asked!

Stand your ground. So what if she goes ww3. You don’t have to socialize with her and neither does your husband! In fact he doesn’t need to listen or read her vitreol. They split, doesn’t have to! Nor do you! Make it clear to your man it’s you he has to keep happy! Not ex. You come first and you live with him.

To say that I should not be involved in the discussion is bizarre to me, as we are both caring for the children when they are at their home here.
But that is the issue, from the ex perspective, you are meaningless to her children, so the fact that you are caring for the children is not her issue. It's an arrangement between you and her OH, not her.

I'm not saying this is the right attitude, but neither is that your OH should feel that because you and he have decide to share the care of the children, he shouldn't be able to make a decision about the care of his children without your approval.

It's about being reasonable on both sides, ie. she shouldn't take it for granted that he will say yes each time, even if he can, but he should have to ask you every time, although let you know as soon as he does know, and take it upon himself to at least sometimes care for the kids without needing to rely on you.

I'm not saying this is the right attitude, but neither is that your OH should feel that because you and he have decide to share the care of the children, he shouldn't be able to make a decision about the care of his children without your approval

Its not about having anyones "approval" they're a couple. Couples generally discuss most things before doing them. You wouldn't invite your mother round to stay a week and expect your partner to just deal with it. Its the same for children. Decisions need to be made together. When theyre not thats when the resentment sets in.

If you have the children for four days a week, will that make things better or worse?

Hi @claireef,
I just wanted to empathise. My situation is very similar in many ways.
The posters on here who don't fully relate are really lucky as they perhaps haven't experienced this kind of behaviour in someone near them. I don't think that anyone can really imagine just how badly someone can behave if they haven't seen it with their own eyes. Certainly my eyes have been opened!
My thoughts. In my situation I am not hopeful - I don't expect the ex to 'get better' ever. If she does - it's a bonus. And so, as this is basically a chronic situation, I try not to let the problems take up too much space in my head.
That said I do find it helpful to see all of the texts/messages that my partner receives, then I know what he is going through. And to talk through with him how to handle situations where action needs to be taken because his child is impacted. He is currently following a strategy of ignoring all abuse/criticism directed at him. It is so tempting to defend sometimes but that just engages her and increases the abuse. Even with this strategy, the stream of emails/texts over the course of an evening if she gets going can be seriously impressive.
With the ex we keep me as discreet as possible. It might be better if your partner stopped mentioning you in any conversation with her at least for a while. As others have said here, she feeds on drama. This is a little way to avoid some. You and your partner and the children know well everything you do for the children. If she is anything like my partner's ex she is never going to give a damn or appreciate the love you give and the effort you make. So there's no point in trying to make her understand that you are a factor in making arrangements. Perhaps your partner could start to consistently say 'I'll let you know tomorrow' each time she requests a change, to give him time to talk to you.
Good luck. Three children at their ages must be a lot of fun, a lot of noise and no small amount of work too. I hope you are enjoying family life :-)

Most couple discuss some things not everything and this really isn't about discussing it's about either telling or asking.

I do think this comes down to role. As a resident parent I never had to 'discuss' with my DH if it was ok for my kids not to go to their dad one weekend whatever the reason. That would have been odd but at the same time I wouldn't never had expected him to do take on any aspect of their care.

The only way it would have impacted on him is if we had made plans in which case I would have made other arrangement or asked ex to do so.

As a resident parent I never had to 'discuss' with my DH if it was ok for my kids not to go to their dad one weekend whatever the reason

That's great if it works for you making the decisions on your own. Doesn't work for everyone

It’s common courtesy if there’s a change of plans to discuss it if it impacts your partner. If I’m going out for tea with friends, I will ask DP “is it ok if I go out for tea tonight?” I’m not really asking permission, just that he’s ok to stay in with the kids or he doesn’t need me to do something e.g. for his business and I expect the same in return. IT IS ALSO YOUR HOME. If your DP was bringing a friend home unannounced all the time, that wouldn’t be acceptable.

I think it’s actually nice that he asks. It’s not like you’re saying no for no reason and I don’t think it’s controlling at all.

Ex’s do cause problems for control. It’s not always to put their children first as we have learned first hand. Refusing access and phone calls is not in your child’s best interests because you’re being unreasonable and not getting your own way. Not giving clothes/shoes/toys for visits even though they’re bought EVERY weekend is about control. Some women are unjustifiably bitter about choices they have made and take it out on the wrong people. DPs ex has only realised 5 years on how her actions have affected one of her children but honestly, it’s probably too late.

I agree it’s about control. I got a lot of flack too, as Ex was using the sudden changes as an excuse to wield her influence and basically stick an oar in regularly. If an Ex is reasonable there’s not really a problem.

OP why don’t you get it all agreed now in advance. Draw up a schedule that suits you both, suits the kids, and the Ex. Court ordered or mediated. Too much grief otherwise and most men will do anything than face the wrath of their Ex!

We did this, Ex went mental - when asked why she ‘just didn’t like it... ‘ - didn’t like losing the control and interference! But she agreed in the end, she had to. I’d have walked. And the kids were happy with it.

Aw op I do feel sorry for you. Being a step mother is a thankless task and it is outrageous that you want to take on more of this burden than you already do.

You should all be sticking to the contact order and that would stop a lot of the arguments.

Don’t communicate by phone but by email only.

Your dh is trying to be respectful towards you by checking with you (I get the feeling you’d never say no) but how about he just doesn’t answer her? And that’s her answer

You’ve got years of this aggro yet. Think twice before taking on more responsibility of these three kids

So what happens if he is happy to have his child over for more time, nothing was planned but OP actually doesn't want their SC and tells her OH? Does it mean that he has to adhere to her wishes against his?

The problem is that whoever is getting their way be it the ex, the step parent or the parent, they will be considered to have an issue with control.

All have different interest in the matter so it is always going to be conflictual. That's why I think written contact always works better. Ex can ask, OH can then say to his partner that he would like to have his children but will do all the caring, SM is informed but can still say no if he had forgotten about plans or she is ill and need peace and quiet.

I don't understand why he has to check with you, tbh. They're his children, he wants to spend more time with them, and presumably he knows his own work schedule? So instead of him telling his EW that he'll check with you, he should just say "yes" if he knows he won't be at work/on some long planned social event or holiday, or "no" if he can't. That's what is in his DC's best interests and they should be his priority.
I know PP's think it's like checking with a partner for a guest coming, which is polite, but it's not a guest, it is his children.
Equally, he shouldn't expect you to do all the looking after them or cooking and cleaning. (All the time, but especially when he looks after them at short notice.)
Also, it sounds like he is going to need to get or keep his ex wife onside as he's seeking to become the resident parent (4/7 residence you said?). Having the children as much as he can, around work and the like, will surely go in his favour in court?

And then of course it all depends on the frequency and whether it works both ways.

How is a dad running a change in contact arrangements past his partner controlling? It's being considerate and making sure that the other person in the relationship knows what is going on. Me and my OH don't live together (long distance relationship as I'm at university) but I always make an effort to be there for contact weekends with his son so if that was changing for whatever reason, I would appreciate him telling me. He's not asking my permission to change the contact, he's keeping me in the loop.

How is a dad running a change in contact arrangements past his partner controlling? It's being considerate and making sure that the other person in the relationship knows what is going on
That seems to imply informing the other person rather than asking, which is very different.

As we've read here a number of times, if the SM is looking forward to a week-end with her partner without the SC, but then her partner informs her -because he is considerate- that he wants to have the children and whether she says yes great idea, or please don't this week-end, he goes ahead, then it is controlling.

As said, the person who stops the other having their way will be seen as the controlling one, yet it is inevitable that one will be the one getting what they want. It's just the way it is, not forcibly a reflection of that person manipulative skills.

The1975, there is nothing wrong with this arrangement, but it is one that is between your OH and you. What is not fair is that because of that arrangement, the onus becomes yours only to decide on whether arrangements can be flexed or not.

Of course it isn't unreasonable that your OH should ask you before agreeing to having the kids when you wouldn't normally expect them, what isn't is expecting the ex to say 'of course, I totally understand that if you're happy with it but it's a problem for her, you'll refuse'.

It comes down to how likely you are to say no and the reasons for saying no. If it's because your OH has forgotten about plans you've made, that's fair enough, but if it's because you don't want to cook for 6 that week-end as you normally do, then is this really fair when really, your OH could very much offer to do it this particular week-end?

Some flexibility always work best, especially as the kids get older and start having their own arrangements. What I find sad are kids who have to say no to activities/invites because they have to be at one place or the other and the parents think of themselves rather than the kids. Unfortunately, it's usually them who pay for having separate parents because parents, and then SP, are being unreasonable asking for/accepting flexible arrangements.