young teen step daughter who thinks it's acceptable to talk about our finances

[timelord92]

What is the best course of action when your partners 13 year old daughter brings up our finances and mentions about child maintenance more than she should?

For instance, when discussing us buying her brother a jumper who is 21, has his own flat and a full time job, she said that he couldn’t buy clothes himself as for 1, he’s on minimum wage and 2: he’s paying all his bills himself as his girlfriend who lives with him doesn’t contribute anything as she is still in university (although she works night shifts so does have money coming in), while we have a joint income. Does anyone else find this response very cheeky and rude for a 13-year-old?

To give a little bit of background on us though, I’ve gave birth to our daughter a few weeks ago so I’m on maternity leave so my wages are very poor. We also moved into a new house together a few weeks before the baby was born. So, my boyfriend is mostly paying the bulk of the bills for the time being until I go back to work and is also paying maintenance for his daughter.

She has also brought up maintenance payments that my boyfriend is paying her mother, which she shouldn’t know anything about. She said the other day that the pocket money she gets each week is the difference that her dad is paying extra to her mother after it increased when he had no dependents living with him anymore. However, with the birth of our daughter the CM will be calculating it as lower again.

How have you dealt with situations like this? Should you not mention anything and hope that in the future she’ll think for herself and stop bringing up things that don’t concern her?

Or answer that our finances are none of her business?

Has anyone else had any experiences with this type of behaviour?

He does pay the right amount but as with everything to do with the mother, its never enough

The right amount? How much is that? What you mean is he pays whatever the legal minimum payment is. Could be a small fortune or not very much at all but there is no 'right' amount.

She sounds like a normal 13 yr old girl to me. Bright and switched on. She clearly has an understanding of things going on around her and felt she knew enough to be involved in the discussion. I don't think she was being rude at all.

I think knowing about it is not the issue. It's important for her to know that her father contributes to her upbringing, and is supporting his two families. Discussing it perhaps isn't appropriate, commenting on someone's ability to afford or not afford something based on whether she believes they can is not appropriate at any age really, and that's what your Dh needs to bring up with her.

We had a similar situation with my dd (also 13) and discussing her step dad's / my dh's ability to contribute to a school trip that her own df had said he would pay for then didn't. Knowing about the maintenance and agreement is ok, but calling people out on whether they can afford things is not really acceptable.

2014newme

There isn’t a direct correlation between her pocket money and us having a baby. She gets the same as the baby including a savings account. Her mother is telling her that to cause friction.

For 10 years his ex and the children lived in his house while he lived in his mums, he paid his mother money as well as everything for his house apart from the electric/gas, and gave £50 money in hand for the children every week. She still wanted money off him for clothes or she threatened that he wasn’t going to see the kids. When his son was 16 she tried to kick him out. When his father said it wasn’t gonna happen as it was his house she moved into her own place and got in touch with the CM. He was paying £54 a week. Then on his son’s birthday last year he turned 20 so the CM said he needed to pay £60 instead as his son was not a dependent anymore. Also, their mother had always given her the pocket money regardless of what money my DP gave her mother.

In fact, we have my step daughter 4 days in the week which includes every weekend. We provide her food and amenities while she is with us. My DP does all the dropping off and picking up. She gets the bus to school which is free. She also stays in her brothers overnight once a week too. The only thing different that her mother pays that we don’t is her school stuff. I’m not entirely sure how expensive that is though.

Tilapia

It seems maybe my original thought of her being cheeky and rude is unfair as a lot of responses so far are telling me as much.

Ohreallyohreallyoh

No she doesn’t cost any less which is why the payments have stayed the same even though she’s hardly at her mums house. Her mum still has to provide a roof over her head.

Migraleve

What she has been exposed to is nothing that we’ve told her. My partner and I do speak about our finances privately. All of her information is coming from her mother.

Zzzzz and Xoticdreamz

Yes she was saying what she had heard from elsewhere. We just try to keep everything away from her. Maybe she wasn’t being rude, that’s just what I interpreted it as.

User1471495191

That’s what I was asking really, whether to mention honestly where we are at, rather than just listening and not saying anything when what she is saying either doesn’t make any sense or she’s only heard one aspect of it. Your right by telling her not to mention our income will make us look defensive and make her feel not included. It’s good to get different feedback as other people look at things in different ways and may see something I hadn’t considered before.

JassyRadlett

She is very much a part of our family. I’ve done a lot for her to make her feel wanted both when I started going out with her father and after her sister was born.

Telling her the full story is a good idea, so she’s not just getting a partial picture. However, I don’t think she should be questioning our ability to provide something based on what she perceives. It’s a good idea for her to know how to budget and how much things cost but not to tell us what we should and shouldn’t spend our money on. Possibility, now that I think about it, she could have been thinking more along the lines of being worried about her brother rather than trying to be rude.

Belloftheball8

Yes they do question money although I’m starting to think that we have been going wrong by not telling her all the facts when something has come up like in your situation.
My ex doesn’t pay the minimum amount its more and we have her with us more than her mum does.

I completely misread the whole jumper thing. Sorry

I definitely think she's old enough to have sensible discussions about finances, and other things, when she brings them up. I hate hate hate having tell them to ask Mum for stuff, it shouldn't have to happen. But we spend an eye watering fortune on them when they're with us every weekend, spent willingly obviously, and she gets a small fortune in spousal/child support precisely to pay for stuff for them.

If she spends it on holidays she doesn't take them on, 3 of those this year, there's nothing we can do about it, but when they're complaining she won't buy them the basics and that's what the money's for we're passed the point of shrugging it off, or buying them stuff for her house as well as ours so it's the only way. They get it, but it's a tragedy they have to when they're so young.

That stuff about coming off the pill secretly is horrible, as is the second best crap. All you can do is be open and honest with the DC, try an ignore any stuff they say ex said, or that she says to you, that's hurtful or annoying. Sometimes it's never enough, a lot of us have been there. Just keep being a good stepmum and mum and doing your best. Try and let the chaff fall by the wayside.

How many nights a week is she with you?

She is very much a part of our family. I’ve done a lot for her to make her feel wanted both when I started going out with her father and after her sister was born.

Great. I was going on the ‘it doesn’t concern her’ comments when if it’s to do with family finances and she’s a member of the family, then it does concern her and affect her.

Telling her the full story is a good idea, so she’s not just getting a partial picture. However, I don’t think she should be questioning our ability to provide something based on what she perceives.

My own view is that in that case it’s about challenging the perception (‘it might feel like there’s plenty of money but we’re having to be pretty careful right now’) rather than shutting her down.

Teenagers question things. They question whether things are fair, whether the world revolves around them enough, whether the assurances and statements they’ve always accepted on face value are actually true. It’s a part of growing up and a part of learning to think and evaluate information critically. Being teenagers, they won’t always do it in a nice or diplomatic way.

So I guess my question (!) is that why you think some areas of questioning are off limits? Isn’t it better that she understands your decisions (I don’t want to pay for that because I think it’s wasteful/ugly/not in line with my values vs I can’t afford it right now because I’m prioritising Christmas presents) than is told they’re not for her?

My parents were pretty open with me as a teenager - it didn’t stop arguments about whether I thought they were prioritising the right things or their judgements about what was worth spending money on were right, but I always knew what their thinking and reasoning was - it was an way of passing on their values. As an adult, I really appreciate that they took that approach.

Talking to teenagers about every day finances, budgets and investments for the purpose of education is giving them a huge favour as so young adults are totally clueless about any such issues because their parents never included them in such discussions even though it's part of life.

Talking to teenagers about money to score points with the ex is not appropriate. So yes, I would talk to her about how during maternity leave, your money is reduced and you have to be careful how you spend your money, I wouldn't say though that her mother is getting a hefty maintenance for her and therefore she should ask her mum where to money goes if not on her.

She’s 13! Doesn’t really understand or think carefully all the time. Let it go.

You’re highly sensitive about it because you feel bitter that your boyfriend is paying my CM. That’s the long and short of it.

13 yo do start to question money. My own teenagers thought i was loaded at that age as i earned £1200 pm. Constant arguments as to why they could not have more money for stuff. They did not understand that it costs to live and that my wage is not all for me. Why would they at 13 as they dont have bills to pay or food to buy. Everything is provided for them.

I dont think you should be upset or angry at DSD.
I do think you should explain where money goes and how much things cost to live. Thats just another part of "teaching" your children imo.

Word to the wise do not go banding about that the nrp pays the cms amount so is great. It really is the bare minimum and raising a child as you will soon find out is way more exspensive and cms payments barely cover the basics.

I have kids in the same age range and I’m split up from their Dad.
They know that I get child maintenance from their Dad. Not how much but their standard of living hasn’t changed much so that’s probably why. Their dad nor I have had any other children so maintenance hasn’t changed since the split.
They don’t watch soaps and Jeremy Kyle type programmes but many teens will learn that not paying child maintenance = scumbag from them. It’s good that she knows that Dad pays.
My kids have started to discuss how moving out for uni/jobs work. You know dsd better than me but is this her way of worrying about how’d she finance her early years after moving out? She might have wanted reassurance that someone would help her work out a budget that included spending on clothing?

I think it’s a very British attitude to be embarrassed about discussing money. She doesn’t need to know every line of the budget but it would help to educate her on stuff like when women take maternity leave they are on much less money (£0 some months)

Have to agree - be open.
My 10 yr old asked me how much i earned so I told him gross, he had no concept of what that actually meant. His 14 yr old cousin was there at the time and we ended up having a big discussion about money, tax, mortgage, electircity etc.

For a while I did not think much had sunk into 10yr old mind, 14 yr old got it, her mother is useless with money - and she wanted to know how what where when why etc. She was not too young to learn. Now 16 still at school but got herself a part time job and knows what money buys and what things cost. She will ask me does EX pay his share to me, how is the split worked out etc

DC - suddenly started telling everyone off for leaving lights on, buying too much food etc.

He did ask what his father gave and I just said enough - but he sat and worked out that Dad and OW wasted monies( takeaways, expensive food etc) Dad had left his payslip out when he was around - he told his father, he earned more than me - so he needed to pay more1!!!

Hiding it causes resentment and she is part of your family, why shouldn't she know what is going on. She gets her brother does not have monies and the reasons why - this is good.

I don't think she sound cheeky or rude, she sounds ververy much like my 13yo dd.
I'm very open about finances with her, she also knows her day pays no maintenance, or buys anything for them.

DD was always very curious about money, but then she's turned out to be a maths nerd, so maybe it was the number from an early age. She used to ask me question all the times. When she was 7 and DS was 4ish, I told her we would go out in a few minutes after I'd pay for the car insurance, which prompted her to ask me what insurance was. On our way out, I explained the concept of it. I assumed she'd understood it, but never thought DS would have too! Yet a couple of days later, we were doing the food shopping and I joked that the zip of my wallet was broken. This prompted to ask my DS if I had insurance for my wallet so I could get a replacement for free. That did make everyone at the check out laugh!

It's amazing what kids understand at a very early age. At 13, they should fully comprehend the concept of budgeting and paying bills, and start to understand loans, credit, mortgage etc...

@Faithless12 of course Dad would have less to spend on his DD once another child comes along....that’s how it works in all family’s as they get larger. Or maybe Dad cuts back else where? Either way if it was a “together” family the rules still apply to a blended family.

Polkadotsandmoonbeams

Yes I think your right she was explaining the situation and stating why he cant afford it and we could. She could also be worried about him as he is paying the majority of his bills himself while she has a room at two houses and gets provided for at both.

No we haven’t said to her she doesn’t need to worry about money, which is a good point actually. She has mentioned a few times about a school trip she’s going on where she is using her pocket money to save up for spends. We are giving her money but we haven’t actually told her that.

Ohreallyohreallyoh

Nope he doesn’t pay the minimum. I said the right amount as that is how it was put to me in the question.

Thenewaveragebear1983

Yes I think that’s what my initial thought was, that she shouldn’t be telling us that her brother can’t afford it as he’s only on minimum wage and supporting himself while we have joint incomes and so can afford it. Although, saying that, we haven’t actually mentioned to her the reason why we can afford it, saving up for it while we have money coming in rather than having two full wages.

AnneLovesGilbert

The only problem with us saying that her mother needs to pay for stuff is that it’s her who gets it down the neck not us. Then she gets the whole ‘your second best’, ‘he never wanted you’, etc. she’s stuck with her then being really horrible.

We buy her clothes, brushes, hair dryers, etc which mostly ended going to her house, although I don’t mind that as they are hers to do what she wants with. Her mother does use the money for her and not herself luckily. It’s more the emotional blackmail and her mother badmouthing my DP that’s annoying.

She is with us one night a week but she stays three other evenings in the week too. During half terms and holidays she stays more nights.

That’s what I’m trying to do, do my best. It’s easier than it has been and hopefully it will keep getting easier.

Have you explained to her that money talk is vulgar-especially when it's not your own money?

Have you explained to her that money talk is vulgar-especially when it's not your own money?

It's now vulgar to discuss budgeting and how to afford things and making the right choices and prioritising with children?

JassyRadlett

Yeah it did come across more harshly than what I intended. I think it’s to do with how I was brought up. We didn’t question whether our parents could or couldn’t afford something. It was what it was.

Yes I agree with you that shutting her down is not going to help and will make her feel she’s not a part of the family or not being thought of as growing up.

I think some of the questioning is off limits because we are always walking on egg shells in terms of what her mum is telling her. I always think by saying back to her that we can’t afford something it will get interpreted in some way once she tells her mother. I guess it’s her telling her mother that’s the problem and what the outcome will be. It’s not just me and my partner either. Her nan also the other day forgot to make her tea for her one evening as she got her days mixed up and she panicked and said ‘she won’t tell her mother will she’. We are all afraid to rock the boat I suppose in case she stops her from seeing us all.

You are right tho that an explanation as to why we don’t want to pay for something is better than not saying anything.

Swingofthings

Oh no I wouldn’t mention anything about her mother’s money and what she spends it on. That’s up to her. As long as she is still getting the money then that’s good.

Wishingandwaiting

If I feel bitter about him paying CM I wouldn’t have said to him he should be paying more.

CosmicPineapple

I earn around the same as you did and no it doesn’t stretch very far. The general consensus from everyone is to discuss with her where our finances go which is a good idea.

To be honest we’ve never mentioned anything to her about child maintenance.

Eyebrowsfleek

I don’t know whether she is worrying about money when she moves out to be honest. She has said that she can’t wait till she’s 16 and can get a job so she can earn her own money and doesn’t have to rely on anyone else. She she be thinking about this at her age? Shouldn’t her only worries be what she should wear and if the boy she fancies likes her back?

You need to correct the misunderstandings seeing as her own mother is feeding her poison.
She has no business discussing your income like this - it's rude and bad mannered.

Perhaps she needs someone to show her how to phrase/discuss things better?
i.e She feels/thinks her brother is skint, so maybe the whole family can do something to help him out - such as buy him certain xmas gifts etc?
What she should NOT be doing is calculating your income, judging your spending and dictating what you should do.

How much of her 'own' money does the mother put towards her pocket money?
Seems like she's telling her dc that only her father is responsible for the cost of raising her

Might be worth having a chat with her brother and asking him not to divulge money matters/confidential stuff about his relationship with her?
He can still share things about his life but be selective about it - she's a child and doesn't need to know that much detail.