Advice please when "SKs" relationship is just too bad

[DistraughtSM]

NC and few details here as I think OH's ex might be on MN.

Has anybody's relationship with their OH's children broken down so badly, and so finally, that you gave up but managed to keep your relationship with your OH?

OH has two young adult DSs. Been together 2 years. I have tried and tried, but I can't take any more. All the basic stuff you think we all know and do, treating each other nicely, respect and all that... just doesn't apply to them. They have been so rude, offensive and selfish from day one, I sometimes can't believe what they say and what they've been doing. OH has intervened a few times, but they lie to him and carry on. It's all an act in front of him. OH thinks it's a phase they'll both grow out of.

They've excelled themselves recently with what they've done, and we have hit rock bottom now. For my mental sanity, I really don't think I can take this any more. Can it ever work that I don't have to have anything to do with them again, somehow?

This situation sounds familiar as a good friend went through the same with her new partners children. They hated her, blamed her for their parents splitting up even though she wasn't on the scene then. They wanted their parents back together as a family unit even though that was never going to happen. She went through some very difficult times with her DP but they came through it, he made it clear she was a permanent in his life even though they were unable to live together because of the children. Two years later they have bought their own home and the children have moved on in their lives too. One at Uni and the other living with his girlfriend. Stay strong, make sure DP is clear in supporting you, it will get better.

I don't get on with my SS. I go out or stay at my mum's when SS is round or DH takes him to stay with their side of the family. It works fine. Why put yourself through it and why chuck your relationship away for kids that grow up then f'off out of your lives.

What family gathering are you going to want to attend. Do you really want to go to their graduation and wedding?

I don't think you have a choice OP, you can't just smile sweetly and take effectively being emotionally abused by your step children. You have to stand up for yourself.

It may well rock your relationship, however the alternative is being bullied. No one should have to be put up with this. It is amazing to me that anyone would stick up for a bully, or tell you to put up with it, or tell you to leave your relationship.

Your partner does have to choose, whether he allows himself or his partner to be bullied. It's tough as a lot of fathers end up distraught. But you are not to blame, you are a victim. You've done nothing wrong except come into your partner's life.

My DH didn't stick up for me with his daughter, a young adult. She ignored me for months, resented me, even though I was kind, never argued. Even so, apart from telling her that it made me feel bad, I remained supportive of DHs relationship with her. I'd be polite but make myself scarce when she came to the house. In the end I was still accused of being a barrier and DH let her anger come between us and we did split up. DH was made to feel that just being with me was harming his relationship with her.

So you can still support your partner if he wants a relationship, and just keep low key. He can see them elsewhere for mist of the time. But try to build a better boundary around your own relationship if you can, better than mine! If he lets it get to him, it's horrible as a lot of people get emotionally blackmailed in their thinking, but little you can do, your partner has to come to his own decisions. Good luck.

Thanks for your posts. My OH is just not seeing, or refusing to see, what they're up to. This phase he thinks they're going through seems to be a way of telling me I am making a mountain out of a molehill. I don't think he'll accept me moving out for the immediate future (I can't bear being around them any more) or until we can get our own home which they cannot declare is their space that I have invaded. Take him, take his kids is what I fear he'll say, no matter how badly they treat me. If he ever knew the latest of what his sons have said to me, I'm sure he'll twist it to make them come out of it being vulnerable damaged young adults, when really they are spiteful, selfish and just horrible.

I fear it's going to very quickly end up as your case Biglettuce, I am already being blamed in a way after one son was actually told off (hooray! at last!) for something nasty he did and is still in deep sulk weeks later. I can't bear this weight on my shoulders any more.

I know the dynamics get very twisted. I had the exact same, DH finally stood up to his DD who was being hideous to me really. But the backlash! Her resentment about that lasts to this day I think, but guess who is the bad guy? Me. DH doesn't remember, he just knows that DD has a problem with me, which is automatically my fault. My DSD is quite happy to blame me, but by saying things like, I don't come round Dad because I just feel so uncomfortable with SM... or it's so hard I don't think SM likes me... aaarghh! When in reality she just glares at me while I ask how she is.

It's a huge weight, I totally get it. It's like we are made to feel we are going mad. Ruined my marriage unfortunately.