Partner & my 21 yr old son had an altercation

[Shazzasp]

I live with my partner & my 15 yr old son. Last month my 21 yr old asked if he could stay for 3 weeks as he was on a course with work near where we live. I said of course. But was slightly dreading it as my partner in the past has clashed with him. My partner was ok with it but had condition he pay toward his keep (£50) a week. And that he respects our things and doesn't swear. I was a bit embarrassed about asking for money but I didn't want a row with my partner. My son reluctantly paid me and I did feel bad. Any way the first week went well. My 15 yr old was chuffed to have his big brother around. My sons girlfriend came for dinner & stayed a couple of nights. Which I was fine with as he stays at her parents most weekends. But it all came to a head last weekend. My son & his gf were out. My son text me to see if we would like an Indian as him & his gf were getting one. I thought that was nice of him and told him what we wanted. He text back saying 'I'm not buying yours I can't afford it'. So I stupidly told my partner what he said. So when my son got home, my partner basically told my son he was being selfish & that it would've been a nice gesture. Well that got my sons back up. He swore then stormed upstairs and started packing his stuff and said he couldn't live with a control freak like that. My partner came up the stairs to try & calm him down but ended up making it worse. My son started shouting & swearing at my partner & getting up close to his face. The next minute they are grabbing each others throats and falling into the bathroom. I was screaming at them to let go. Eventually my son let go & held his hands up & said he was going. I was really shaken. I packed up my sons things & took them to him. I'm just glad my 15 year old wasn't there. I don't know how to move on from this. I was going to move out but my 15 yr old begged me not too as he doesn't want to leave. Me & my partner are talking but I've lost total respect for him. My 21 yr old is telling me I should go as he is controlling & a tw**. I just feel sick all the time. The thought of starting out again on my own is filling me with dread. Family gatherings will never be the same again. I have been with my partner for 7 yrs & only lived with him for 2. It's his house. The only positive thing is if I did move I would be nearer to my family , friends, job & sons school. Would I be disrespecting my son if I stayed? Would it look like I was taking sides? I just don't know what to do.

Even though your post seems to be about your son, reading between the lines it seems the real issue is that you have realised that your partner is wrong for you, and this incident has triggered this realisation.

Good luck with the next stage x

Firstly taking £50 from your son is outright meanness and I wonder why you didn't refuse to ask him for this. Presumably he has his own rent to pay during this period of three weeks? It's really like asking a guest to pay.
Secondly, of course a 21 year old wasn't offering to buy an Indian takeaway for the whole family, takeaway costs a fortune and of course you'd buy your own ( or I would if it was one of my adult children) So why mention it to your husband? I'm assuming you knew how he'd react ( having already insisted on 'rent' for your son staying three weeks!)
They are both adults and both behaved badly during the argument. I wonder who grabbed who first?
My thoughts are that your partner may indeed be a bit of a bully, you seem to be worried to speak your mind, are you walking on egg shells around him? Of course I may be wrong but I'm wondering if deep down you'd feel happier in your own place with your own 15 year old

Do you really see a long term future with this man?

I honestly don't think you should decide on your relationship based on your 21 year old's opinion only. Before this happened, were you ok? We're you only ok if you agreed to everything he said? How was your 15 year old? IS he controlling?

I had a feeling from the post that your relationship wasn't great - you seem to feel you have to do what he says because it's 'his house' which isn't a great situation for your youngest. But now you seem to think you need to take action based on what your eldest said.

I would have a morning/evening out with your 15 year old and a bit of a chat. I wouldn't rule out leaving but give yourself a little time.

I am sorry but chargin family to stay for 3 weeks is awful
You should be ashamed of yourself

You charged your son?!?
Get rid of your partner before your son disowns you.

I was on your sons side from the minute your partner charged him to stay. I couldn't live like that.

Jesus christ! Charging £50 a week for your son to stay

Sounds like an absolute tool! But agree doesn't sound like its a nice relationship to be in OP

Charging your son to stay is awful. By doing this in no way should he have been expected to pay for the take away. The £50 would have that well covered.

You are going to lose your DS over a controlling partner.

I think the first mistake that was made was your decision to move into his house to make it the new family house. It's amazing how attached we become to our properties and how difficult it is to start 'sharing' it.

It sounds like your OH still sees it as HIS house and that's the trigger of your issues. You didn't want your son to pay his keep because you consider the house as his too. Your partner doesn't, so he saw it that it was right that he should pay something as a lodger would.

Your partner feels that your son is taking advantage by getting the benefits of using HIS house whilst not prepared to give anything back (ie. paying for the occasional take away).

Your son sees it that it's the family house and therefore as a family member, he should be able enjoy its benefits like everyone else.

It's no surprise therefore that he would consider your OH as a control freak, whilst your OH considers him a spoiled brat.

I personally think that the right position would be somewhere in between. Ideally, you should have moved/should move to a 'neutral' home. You should then be on the same page in terms of at which point children who move out become guests/lodgers rather than still residents. There are no rules, very much depends on families.

My view is that when my kids move out, they will stop being 'residents'. They will 'only' come back if they need to, ie. need to save for a deposit, need a temporary place etc... rather than moving back as a resident. As such, I might not ask them for any keep (because we don't need the money and that would allow them to save), but I would make it clear that this was a favour and therefore I too would hope they would do little things in their gift to show appreciation.

As it stands, i think it might be too late to get to that position, so you are best to keep things quiet. Your eldest needs to pick himself up and become independent which you should continue to support him doing, being there for him etc... Hopefully, as he settles in adulthood, he will be able to let the anger go as will your OH and at worse can be civil to each other at family gathering, or at best, rekindle their relationship.

Charging your son to stay with you is fucking awful. Maybe he'd have bought you's Indian if you didn't nick £150 off him.
I'm presuming the £150 went to your partner and you didn't see any of it?

You said you didn't want to charge your son.

So why did you ? Do you always bend to what your partner wants ? Do you try to avoid displeasing him ?

That's a point, who's got the £150 OP?

Although I can guess

I'm not surprised you have lost respect for this man.

How dare he tell you to charge your son for staying in your home?

Yes he owns it but it's supposed to be your place too?

He sounds like a bully

And your son should definitely not have to pay for an Indian and was correct in saying so.

Your parter I'm certain will not only extend his nasty behaviour to your son - it will be yourself in the receiving end too.

I would pick my son. Not in all instances but in this scenario I would. I would also have battered my partner too if I caught him with his hands on my sons neck

Although I'm not a violent person!

The £150 went to me as i buy the food. My OH didn't feel it was unreasonable as my son earns more than me. My OH hasn't really got on with my son because when my son lived with me he was very disrespectful and rude and my OH didn't like the way my DS treated me. But my DS is a lot better now. Yes he is very hot headed & opinionated but I know he loves me to bits & he looks out for me. His dad was very controlling & I just feel out of my depth.

I cannot imagine charging my 21 year old 50 a week in these circumstances. That alone would be enough for me to leave my partner.

I cant imagine asking my son to pay to stay for a few weeks. Cant imagine my mum charging me if i needed to stay with her either. How bizarre. Youre letting your dp come between you and your son.

Right, so why did he need to buy the Indian then, if the money he gave you apparently went to food?
I'm so confused.

Your partner is a complete and utter arsehole. Your poor son.

Despite what people on here are saying, you still do not seem to think you were in the wrong charging your son £50 a week to stay.As a single mum I struggle feeding my 2 sons when they come home form university in the holidays, I would never dream of asking them to contribute. My youngest now has an intern job and his pay is higher than mine. When he comes to stay again I would not ask him to contribute as he has his own bills on his flat to pay etc.

I'm not surprised your son chooses to spend most of his time at his girlfriend's parents home, it doesn't sound like he is welcome at yours. If you decide to stay with your partner then be prepared for this to be your reality going forward. You son won't be popping around, you won't have a close relationship with any grandchildren. Is this man worth it? He sounds awful and I cannot believe you went along with him treating your child so badly.

Fathers and sons clash antlers sometimes and I suspect there's a bit of the alpha male posturing going on. You need to tell your partner to grow up and start behaving in the protective and nurturing way a parent does if he wants to retain his status as alpha male of the family.
Taking the £50 was mean spirited unless he is earning much more than you. You should have told your partner not to be ridiculous. At least, if you aren't brave enough or confident enough in your relationship to refuse the idea you should have just ignored it.
I'd be devastated if my 21year old didn't feel our house was still his home.

Just realised that he was planning on staying three weeks rather than 3 months, so not a case of moving back in. On this basis, I fully agree, it is very odd to ask for money. The norm would have been not to, but then, and only then, expect a weekly take away.

It sounds like there is quite some background to it though. My OH also started to find it hard to bond with DS when he started to speak badly to me and treat me with teenage contempt. He is much better now but there is still a distance between them.

I disagree though that at 21, he should still feel this is his home, when ultimately he will only have lived there a few years and he now has another place to call home.

I actually don't think this is that big of an issue. I definitely don't think you should leave your partner because of it.

Obviously I don't know when you got together with your DP and how long he's known your son, but I think it can be quite common for teenage boys to clash with their stepfathers, so if this happened back then then it's not such a surprise that they don't get along when stuck together again for 3 weeks.

I'm actually going to add a different point of view here too...knowing that your son and your partner don't get along, it wasn't the best idea to allow him to stay in your home for that long.

Your son is an adult and as swing says above, this house is not his home, but it IS your partner's home. If I was in his shoes and didn't get along with my adult stepchild, I can imagine I too would be very on edge with them staying in my home for that long. So losing his rag over the curry is a massive overreaction in my opinion, BUT I can see how it could happen if the tension has been mounting up over the three weeks.

I think maybe you need to just take the lead and be clear with both your son and your DP about what behaviour you expect from one towards the other. They both need to be respectful and polite. If the other winds them up they need to walk away rather than bite.

Your partner just seems like he wants to pick fights.