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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

How to deal with this toileting and DSC situation

47 replies

Littlepiggybrown · 14/09/2017 20:06

My oh has two boys. It was quite an eye opener living with little boys when we moved in, after it being me and my own dd for many years.

My problem is their toilet habits. Dss1 refuses to wipe his bum when he has a poo. It's disgusting. He's with us half the week, so I have to see and smell his poo a lot. It's so bad that you can actually smell it on him. Some pants have been chucked away they are that badly soiled. I get so frustrated that he has no interest in making sure his bum is clean. I've asked him to clean his pants in the sink himself so he knows what I have to deal with (he's 7), but it doesn't change things. My oh spoke to his ex who said that he'll do it one day when he's ready.

DSs2 is 4. He Never concentrates when he goes for a wee. I went in the bathroom yesterday and he'd weed everywhere. On the floor and on the wall etc. He also never pulls his trousers down properly or checks his top is up and his clothes get drenched. I can't keep up with the washing. Plus I've found Boy wee has a stronger smell that makes me gag. I've told him it's not fair that I should be cleaning up after him as he's old enough, but it falls on deaf ears. My partner said it's what boys do.

Now having only had a daughter, it maybe, but I can't help think it isn't?

The above is guaranteed to make me and oh fall out as I get incredibly frustrated that he doesn't deal with it and tell them it's unacceptable, but then I don't know if I'm overreacting? How do I deal with this?

OP posts:

Are your children’s vaccines up to date?

Set a reminder

Bringmewineandcake · 15/09/2017 10:09

I'd move them back out then. No way would I want to be cleaning up after any of them, particularly when their dad is not supportive of dealing with the issue.
Presumably he must have cleaned up before you moved in together, so why is it now your job? He sounds very unattractive.

IToldYouIWasFreaky · 15/09/2017 10:26

Both these boys parents are disgusting individuals

Steady on! These are children (one of them really quite small) we are talking about it. It's completely their parents' fault for not teaching them proper hygiene. I feel sorry for them. Surely they must be getting sore as well if they have dirty bums all day?!
It's not what boys do. I have a 9 year old boy, who was toilet trained when he was 3 and I haven't helped him with toiletting since he was about 4. Certainly not since he's been in school. He never has dirty pants, or smells and if he gets pee on the toilet seat or floor he cleans it up with anti bacterial wipes.

I'd start laying down the law with the older one, to be honest. If you notice that he smells, send him for a shower and a change of clothes. Every time. Non negotiable. No screen time or anything else fun until it's done. Insist he uses wipes. Defintely reserve a bathroom for you and your DD. You need to drive home the message that good hygiene is essential.

Your DP should be doing all of this but he clearly can't be arsed (scuse the pun)

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 15/09/2017 10:48

Itoldyou have you misunderstood my post? I wouldn't blame the boys for a moment, it is entirely their parents fault, given that the OP says neither of them are teaching the dc otherwise.

IToldYouIWasFreaky · 15/09/2017 11:08

ItsNice Yeah, I have! I totally mis-read it that you were calling the boys disgusting individuals. I can see that you weren't and we agree that's it's the parents fault. I'm sorry!

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 15/09/2017 11:46

No worries!

Bananasinpyjamas11 · 15/09/2017 15:17

A father who is not bothered buy it. A SM who makes a much bigger deal of it then necessary. That is shocking! You mean an SM who is alerting to quite a serious and probably neglectful situation in a young child, is making a bigger deal than necessary?!

Winosaurus · 15/09/2017 17:34

Honestly OP don't listen to swing she isn't even a stepparent and has no business being on this board other than to tell people trying their best that they're wrong
It IS a big deal, poor boys must stink and be uncomfortable with unclean bits. OP it sounds as if you have their best interests at heart but it's hard to enforce any hygiene roles when you're the stepparent, you're made to feel as if it's not your place but if you don't do anything you're considered cold and unkind.
You need to just be blunt with your partner and say what you have on here. It may cause a row in the short term but he needs to know that you're saying it because his kids need help with it... the 7 year old more than the 4 year old (a lot of little ones accidentally wee on the floor) but they need to be encouraged to be more careful xx

justtiredofcoping · 15/09/2017 18:11

Whilst I agree this needs addressing and the parents are at fault but -

you made a 7yr old wash his pants so he knows what you have to deal with.

Wrong way to go about it. Your DP needs to address it and fast.

swingofthings · 16/09/2017 13:01

Honestly OP don't listen to swing she isn't even a stepparent and has no business being on this board other than to tell people trying their best that they're wrong hmm
No business being on this board because I'm not a SP? That attitude says more about you than I.

No I'm not currently a SM (although was a for a few years), but what I am is a child who ended up with a lot issues because of the way my SM treated me as a child, and that includes treating me like OP seems to be treating her SC because she too thought my habits and lack of hygiene was disgusting, and oh boy did she make her feeling clear (yes, behaviours speak much louder than words). She distroyed my self-esteem at a crucial time in my youth and the only reason why I recovered is because my parents had the fantastic idea of sending me away as an exchange student and I ended up with the most wonderful family who taught me how to value myself again.

It's when I started to feel better about myself that I started to pay more attention to my hygiene and manners and amazingly, I've turned out to be a clean adults with normal manners.

So yes, I feel I have something to say and as other posters have pointed out, asking a 7yo, especially as a SM, to wash one's pants is horrendous behaviour that will only make him feel the way I did.

The way to deal with this is to teach them, with a caring attitude, how it is done. Make it a game rather than making them feel guilty about it. Tell them that everytime he tells that he has clean his bum on his own, he gets a small reward. Honestly, it's not that hard!

Wdigin2this · 16/09/2017 14:27

I've had a boy and a girl, the boy was much lazier about toileting, but I persevered training him until he improved...don't think I would have been happy to do all that entails with a child not my own!
Get the kids DF to try washing their clothes, see how that affects him! Or....put every soiled item into a large plastic bag, and send it back to DM every week!

Wdigin2this · 16/09/2017 14:33

Yes, I think I'd be putting a ladies only sign on the door of one bathroom too!

AnnieAnoniMouse · 16/09/2017 14:38

I'd leave him.

I would not want to be with a man who thinks it's fine for his 7 year old to walk around with poo in his pants because he can't be bothered to wipe his own bottom. Or a 4 yo that regularly makes such a mess in the bathroom.

I don't blame the boys at all, but it's disgusting and I think your DP is a lazy, dirty bloke & I don't find that attractive. Nor his attitude that it's 'favouritism' for your DD to have a clean toilet to use when shebusnt the one making all of the toilets disgusting. I wouldn't care what he said, they would be banned from at least one of the toilets. But as I said, it wouldn't be an issue because I wouldn't be with him.

SilverBirchTree · 16/09/2017 14:41

Yes to having a ladies only/ men only bathrooms. It saves a lot of cleaning because they are dirtying one toilet, not three. And It's not fair on you or your DD to have to deal with their mess. If DP thinks that's 'favouritism' then he should parent them so they are fit to share a bathroom! Such lazy parenting, I feel sorry for the older boy who is going to school smelling of poo.

BathTangle · 16/09/2017 14:44

You have my sympathies OP. However, just one thought: are you sure that your older DSS is failing to wipe and that he is not "leaking" poo, which can happen for various reasons (encopresis). I assumed that my DS was not wiping properly and went through all the same reactions as you until I realised what was actually happening. My younger DS was the same, and at least one of their friends. May be completely different situation but thought I'd mention it just in case.

SilverBirchTree · 16/09/2017 14:44

And cleaning the 'boys only' bathroom should 100% be DP's job.

I would leave the 7 year old's undies to soak in a nappy bin for DP to deal with himself. That might motivate him to try parenting his child... what a lazy, awful dad he is. Don't get pregnant to this guy, OP.

What are his redeeming qualities?

youarenotkiddingme · 16/09/2017 14:51

If the urine is very strong and there is marks on underwear the chances are he is constipated with overflow.

Also if the stool is getting all over underwear to the point of clumps after he's opened his bowels then the stool is not properly formed. 'Normal' stool should be formed and vacate easily. Very little residue should be left.

I had to help my ds for many more years than the MN mafia would allow most would find acceptable due to chronic constipation and fine motor difficulties.

HeebieJeebies456 · 18/09/2017 16:14

Why are you doing the washing and cleaning up after his kids?
Let HIM do it!
Run a quick bleach cycle before washing your own and dd's clothes if that's what it takes.
Just don't start taking over his responsibilities for the sake of an easier life.

You can always refuse to have his dc in your car if they're stinking of poo.

As for 'favouritism' re toilets......just put your foot down and ensure you and dd have sole use of one of them.
Decorate it into a 'girly' toilet and put a lock on it if they keep using it.
Don't clean the bathrooms they use - let him do that.

Frankly, i'd rather move back out than put up with this shit.

Columbine1 · 17/11/2017 09:19

Swing you do see that you are projecting yr experience & feelings about SPs here?
I also had a SM who treated me badly but assume that SPs posting on MN genuinely want advice/discussion.

NorthernSpirit · 17/11/2017 09:43

I am a SM and had a similar situation issue with the SC when dad and I started living together (although not as bad as you situation).

The children were 6 & 9 (yes 9)! at the time and weren’t wiping their bums property. Apparently mum did it for them at home, and they expected dad to do it for them. The 9 year old would yell for dad to wipe her bum when she needed it. Poor children - school do not wipe bums for them and they were in school soiled and smelly.

Dad had tried to chat to mum about it but she refused to communicate or take any action, so he got all ‘super nanny’ with them when at ours (we can’t influence what goes on at mums). He bought wet wipes and taught them how to wipe and checked. Within a few weeks it was all sorted.

Poor children - it’s poor patententing and lazy. By the time kids get to school they should be able to do this for themselves.

greyfriarskitty · 17/11/2017 09:51

I think the PP who says that there might be constipation issues has a good point, and that is worth checking.

Having said that, I went through a stage - although never that bad - of not wiping my bottom after my parents divorced. It was a protest. A therapist I saw as an adult says that small children often act out 'at one end or the other' - i.e. through food or toileting.

I don't know these boys, or how they are reacting to the divorce, but I think this is something that you need to think about carefully.

It's also possibly that your DH and his ex, on some level, are aware that things are wrong and prefer to believe that everything is alright, because they don't want to acknowledge that the divorce and new family arrangements have had an effect on their children. My father was like that.

Columbine1 · 17/11/2017 10:02

OP I do hope you will be able to get yr DP to engage with this issue (which he may be avoiding because of what lies beneath eg as Grey suggests)
I really wonder how they are managing at school/nursery it must be miserable for them if other children shun them.

Louw12345 · 19/11/2017 20:40

My partners son wees on the seat and floor. I have all girls and they are mortified by it. Tbh I'm not over the moon either it's all new for me and not having a little boy quite naive by thinking all would be fine haha. However iv never thought about making him clean up after himself. Does this work? If so I will talk with partner and it's something he can enforce

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