Family holiday

[purplepigs]

Good evening
I wanted to ask everyone's opinion on this.
Me and my partner own a house together and have a joint account and then we have our own personal accounts

Each month we put half of the amount to run the house into the joint account and we leave the remainder of our wages in our own accounts.

We pay equally for everything including food shopping.
I have a son from a previous relationship - no contact is had with biological parent and I receive no child maintenance - long story.

However we are booking another family holiday and I am just wondering whether you all think the holiday should be split 50/50 or whether I should pay for myself and my son and so I pay for two thirds of the holiday???

What do you think???

I agree, he should do more. I used buy a ton of stuff for dss, ex bought him stuff, more the big stuff, and it was all from 'us'. Dss could tell what was each of our choices to buy!
If you're with someone who has a child you just accept that there are going to be costs you share. Well, I did!

But, that one off game, no. If ex had done that I wouldn't offer to pay towards it.

I think a little generosity on both sides goes a long way. So if I were you I wouldn't be cross, or expect your DP to pay for anything for your son. However it would be nice if your DP did pay halves on the holiday - it then feels more like a family unit and generally oils the wheels of harmony.

I think your comments above that you resent your partner not going halves for the game etc isn't harmonious. There's no reason your partner should pay as he is your complete responsibility. That said, if he never, ever bought him anything that would be a little sad.

I earn a lost less than my DP, yet when we took all the kids on holiday, and he had more children than me, I just paid half. Seemed mean to split it. Same if you were going for a meal out, probably good if you split it in half or one of you pays rather than you pay for your son.

Your problem seems to be that money and budgeting are the big elephant in the room. Why can't you just talk openly about it?

Clearly you are worried about how much disposable income you have compared to him so that's what you need to tell him.

As said above OH and I had that conversation when we agreed to move in together not easy as only been together less than a year but it was a must do. It was agreed that the only fair way that would avoid problems and resentment was to work out what to pay so that we were left with the same disposable income at the end of the month.

We've now been married for 5 years and we haven't really revised it and there have been some changes with outgoings and income on both sides but talking about money isn't awkward any longer. I have a lot of one off outgoings coming in the next few months so he paid for the flights last months for me and DS.

You need to both be comfortable talking about it. He needs to know that you are not in a position to pay certain things if you continue to pay 50/50 in the pot.

OP I've just seen your last post about buying your son a game, I really think you're being unfair on your partner here.

It's one thing to expect them to pay half for normal household expenses, but it's definitely not fair for you to be annoyed because they didn't offer you half the money for something you bought your son as a treat. It would never even cross my mind to offer my DP half the money if he came home and said he'd bought SS something! I doubt that would even happen if your DP was your son's father.

I also don't think it's fair at all to want your DP to pay more so that you can put more into your savings. I do understand that you're paying more for things and that's hard on your finances, but you have double the costs as you have a child and your DP doesn't. It would be nice if they were more generous (and tbh it's a bit odd that they don't even contribute to Christmas presents), but they're not actually doing anything wrong.

What is the real problem here? Are you struggling to pay for all the things you do and you're upset that DP doesn't help you out? Or are you annoyed that your DP doesn't act like you're a family? Or are you fed up that you're always short of money while your DP has a lot?

I think if you feel so strongly about this that you need to make it clear. If DP wants more than one holiday a year, then they'll be going alone. If they don't contribute to or buy any Christmas presents for your son, then the ones you give are just from you. Let them face the consequences.

The main problem is i don't feel like a family unit because of many things at the moment.

Money
Buying things separately
Holidays
Paying for the holiday
Paying for the dogs

Everything has to be separate

We are due to get married and I view what mine is theirs but I don't think they have the same view.

In regards to Christmas that too
It just means that birthdays, holidays and Christmas are doubly expensive for me - yet my partner seems to think I can match everything else although they know I earn less.

Christmas I pay for their presents and all my child's
They pay just for mine

Birthday the same

Holidays the same

Plus I go halves on her parents present
But they don't with mine

To me this is screaming it isn't right

I am beginning to think I am being played !

Things being separate doesn't have to equal not being a family. My OP and I still do most common things separately but that's not because we don't consider each other a family but because it's practical and works for us. We would never be like a family similar to one that was fully created together from the time children were born we are another type of family but still one.

Clearly you urgently need to talk.

Most things separately?

Most routine yes! We don't even eat together (unless a special occasions) because we have very active lives (working FT, and doing many activities). It works for us because we are very independent and value quality over quantity.

It wouldn't be right for many couples, but what I'm trying to say is that there is no definition of what a 'family' is. It is what you make it and in your case, it sounds like you are not on the same wavelength.

ALL SORTED

We have had the conversation.
I asked whether they saw themselves as justva partner or a parent
I got told parent - a three they said - a family unit
Which was the answer I wanted to hear.

We have agreed that we will pay half of the holiday amount every month and that we will also half the dog kennel fees to make it completely equally.

Don't feel so anxious now.

Having equal disposal income would be better......

Or perhaps you could pay X% into the joint account, in proportion to the wage difference?
At least that way you would have more disposal income left of your own.

No offense OP, but you are about to marry this man, commit to being with him forever, and you were that anxious to bring up that conversation (which as expected turned out to be no big deal).

You can't know anything about a spouse before you marry them, but surely it is essential to feel that you can have open discussions about everyday life without brewing on it for days before you actually go ahead and marry?

I was on the opposite side of this situation (minus the child) a number of years ago.

I earned more and wanted to be able to go out for days out and go away and eat out, but we were paying 50:50 for the house and my partner couldn't afford it.

We are both fiercely proud and I started it by insisting on paying 50:50 when I was a student and working 3 jobs to enable me to do so.

But after a long chat we agreed to pay proportionally to the household. I still had more disposable income but we had the same percentage of our salaries. Surely this could work in your situation.

Although, really it sounds like stepchild related expenses just need moving to joint expenses (although treats like a game as a reward for brace fittings might have to either be discussed in advance or paid for from your individual 'pot')

Your partner needs to realise that either they can't have the holidays they want, or that to enable them to happen the household needs to be run as a household rather than a 1 and a 2.

Good job OP, glad your chat went well :)

No offense OP, but you are about to marry this man

FYI - it's a same sex relationship.

OK- you questioned what you were getting out of the relationship and you being taken for a mug .... I think your partner will take more of a financial hit in the relationship than you..

But at least you've had the talk.

"Plus I go halves on her parents present
But they don't with mine "

I didn't see this bit before - that is all kinds of wrong. I've always had the rule that I buy for my family, they buy for theirs. Mine is invariably smaller as everyone hates everyone else in my family so I only have three people to buy for most years. Most recent ex had to buy 9. Though, I did help him choose and sometimes would buy the odd bit myself if I saw something they would like, and never asked for the money back. I don't think he ever did that but it wasn't a money thing, more a - him not knowing what people like thing.