Why don't the kids talk to us!?

[KH369]

I need help with my step sons (13&10). My husband and I are struggling with communication with them, like unless they are asking for food or drink that just don't speak! Instead they ignore us and just watch tv or play video games.
It's at the point where we dread them coming round for the weekend and we'll spend most our day in the kitchen talking and looking after our 2yo son instead of being in the front room with them because it's too frustrating being ignored.
I get texts every week from there mum saying everything they won't tell us. The last text I got was "he doesn't like your tuna pasta bake" ... After the 6th time I had made it for him! Apparently he's gone home starving each time because he didn't want to eat it or tell me he didn't like it and my husbands annoyed that he hasn't said anything to us and that his excuse for not eating is that he's full when clearly that was a lie and when asked about it just said "no I did like it there was just loads on the plate" so he's lying again. And I'm getting sick to death of all these texts telling me what I'm doing wrong, when in fact I can't do any more because I'm not being told if someone doesn't like a meal or they want to go out for the day.
If they don't talk to us how can we know if something's wrong, my husband works all hours of the week and I work early shifts on weekend so we are knackered on the weekends anyway and I have no desire to cook food that may or may not get eaten or sit and try to force a conversation out of a child that doesn't want to talk to me, but then I have to get subjected to texts from their mum that have, in the past, left me in tears thinking they don't like me or I'm a horrible person for making them eat food they hate or not taking them to the park (because I was never asked).
What can my husband and I do/say to get them to open up and talk to us? Even if it's just about there school day, we don't much care what they want to talk about so long as they are willing to speak to us about it. After having asked their mum why they tell her and not us their issues she just said they have always been so open with her (kick in the gut or what?) so that doesn't help us, their dad has always tried to be there for them, however recently since they have closed off he can no longer be bothered to make an effort and I can see it hurts him that the boys who only a few months ago used to ask him to join in with games now don't seem to want to be with him at weekends.

He doesn't get to opt out of parenting his older kids because his toddler makes him tired.

Step children/biological children are not guests. They're family surely?

Do they seem like family, in the OP? In one room while OP and her own little family are in another, no-on speaking at all?
Is that what your family is like?

He knows he needs to make the effort, he's tried and failed

Then he needs to try again, and again, and again.

I can see more than one issue here. The first one is that it sounds like your partner has lost interest in his kids, assuming he had any to begin with. It should go without saying that they will pick up on that and respond accordingly, but it sounds like the pair of you haven't figured that out. The second issue that I suspect is causing problems here is their mother's attitude to you. If the majority of her texts are critical then it's fair to assume she doesn't like you and doesn't mind showing it. It's quite likely she's running you down to the kids and they are following her lead in their opinion of you.
There's only so much you can do about the second problem. You're not going to get very far with her but you might win the kids over in time if you give them love and attention. The first problem is for your partner to sort. He needs to engage with them, give them his attention, find things to do together. If he's going to hide in the kitchen with you as though they are some sort of inconvenient invasion of unwelcome visitors, he might as well just go the full hog and stop this pretence of being a dad altogether.

Also, I cannot afford to buy them their favourite foods all the time, I make do with what I have in. The food issue was a once in a while situation, usually they have meals they like but sometimes i like to try new things with them as their palettes are very limited. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. That's not the main issue that was just to example to kind of texts I receive, always not happy about something.

You don't have to buy their favourite foods all the time, you just have to stop making them things they hate! You said you made the same thing 6 times and they don't like it. And why isn;t their dad buying them food, they are his children.

Stop communicating with their mother, and start communicating with them. And get your husband to man up and parent his own children.

Why try new things with them though? If you know the sort of foods they like, they are feeling unhappy/unwelcome at your home and are only with you fortnightly, why create additional problems? FGS you and their father hide in a different room from them, the relationship is deteriorating, but it is important that you stretch their palettes??

It does sound like a communication breakdown. You and DH need to take the initiative here, I think.

'What would you like for tea? We've got X, Y or Z.'

'Is there anything you'd like to do today? I thought we could go swimming if you like, or the park, or football? Or any other suggestions?'

'We can afford one big day out over summer. What do you think? Blackpool? Alton Towers? Somewhere on the train?'

Etc etc....

Are you able to get them excited about anything? That would be my aim at the moment.

I made that meal again and again because I was lead to believe they enjoyed it until the final time I was told they don't. It's not about why isn't dad taking them/buying them whatever. We are together, what we do is together, just because I make tea doesn't mean he's not doing anything, I choose to make tea. He hasn't lost interest, he wants to take them out and do things - they choose not to, it's like they have lost interest in him and don't want to come round. We used to all be together in the same room talking, laughing, playing whatever, its only when they started shutting down we started going to prepare tea a bit earlier than normal so we could have a breather from the silence and then try again later.

I'm asking for suggestions on what else to do, not a critisism on my husbands behaviour - I already know that's a problem. We don't want them to stop coming round but we are at a loss as to what to do anymore.

You just said you knew your dh's attitude was a problem - so you DO know what to do - or what HE has to do. Parenting teens isn't easy and he need to make a bloody effort. How do you think your own child will feel when they're a teen and your dh can't be arsed to make an effort?

We don't want them to stop coming round but we are at a loss as to what to do anymore

This sounds like you are actually considering stopping them from coming round, which says it all really. They feel disposable to you.

When you talk about them, there is zero sense of liking or connection. The atmosphere sounds grim to be honest and I can see how things have gone on a downward spiral. I think I would take things into hand by trying to do something completely different. Maybe pick them up and bring a picnic - go out for the day. Try and interrupt the current poor chain of events. But your OH has some serious shaping up to do - I don't know why you would think you could start a thread and not expect people to comment on that. And if I'm honest, you have some work to do on your own attitude which sounds negative and resentful. Is there a backstory here - a difficult situation with you/your OH/his ex? I feel sorry for these children.

Just because you are a couple doesn't mean you have to be together all the time. These two need some serious time with their dad reconnecting and getting to know each other. He can take a few hours off potty training to spend with his other children, just the three of them.

Even in families without step parents it's great to have 1:1 time with each parent.

If this carries on they will stop coming. What age do you think your child will be when he gives up on them too?

I know that you didn't want criticism of your h but Im going to criticise him anyway.

Sounds similar to my kids and their dad. They all have access to a mobile phone and messaging so their dad can contact them at any time. He didn't even know that ds2 was starting secondary school in September never mind remember which foods that the kids don't like. Does your h keep in contact with them between visits and keep up with the gossip like who their best friends are? I've not met a lot of my teen's friends but I can name them as I've asked to see pics of them on social media and try not remember the minutiae like who they fancy, or who got a haircut etc

A few posters have asked why dad doesn't cook. It's not because they think that your cooking is the problem. The kids need to see Dad making an effort (even if it's not reciprocated) and Dad should know favourite foods/hated foods etc. Your post makes it sound like he does very little parenting of them and that the slack has fallen to you. In your mind you and your h are a team but to his boys you are dad and dad's wife and it's not unreasonable for them to expect dad to put more effort in. My kids politely eat their dad's meals even when it's something they hate and would never tell him the truth as their relationship is just so polite and distant but I think it's pretty shit that he doesn't know never mind remember.

At their age, parents definitely have to make the bigger effort to go to them. It sounds like dad and the boys are not close and it's unreasonable to expect the boys to tell dad what they want when they might not know or find it awkward to say. Is dad good at keeping clam/not being visibly hurt when the kids say something negative? My ex can be an explode then calm down after having a think about it kind of person so the kids only tell me the serious stuff.

Does the mum tell you or your h about the kids comments? If comments go to your h then perhaps you could ask him not to tell you this stuff. I understand why you'd be hurt but the criticism is probably more directed to your h who should know that the kids don't "do" theme parks or whatever.

Do you always do things as a 5? Maybe dad should go out with the boys and do something just the 3 of them. In my experience, teens often open up more when you're not making eye contact. So having a conversation in the car or sitting side by side playing video games is ideal. It makes things less pressured and embarrassing.

Do they seem like family, in the OP? In one room while OP and her own little family are in another, no-on speaking at all?
Is that what your family is like

No they don't, what I'm saying is they are family and should be treated as such. But you know that and are just being silly.

No my family isn't like that but then my step child lives with us so you'd be better off asking his mum to be honest.

You talk about them "shutting down" but really what you describe is fairly common for young teens. The younger is probably just following suit.

I would also suggest your OH gets involved in some gaming with them

What sports do they do? OH should take a bball or football to park for afternoon with them

Or find some sport they could do regularly on their days with you

As PP says break the pattern and things will improve

Child tells mum he doesn't like your pasta bake. Why would your h talk to him about it? Of course the son is going to tell a white lie and pretend it's because there was too much on his plate rather than say the truth. He's not lying to his dad- he doesn't feel close enough to him to tell the truth. That's not his fault.

As for the park thing - kids don't always ask to go to the park or whatever. When I've taken my kids it's usually because I need something free out of the house for them to enjoy. If you need ideas for local parks with interesting walks or harder equipment then I suggest your h looks on FB. There are pages of our local area with reviews and photos of play areas so he may find one more interesting for his older boys.

why isn't your DH taking them out and about? Why do YOU have to take them to the park?

Can't your DH take all the kids to the park?

You said in your OP that your husband can no longer be bothered to make an effort, now you are defending him. It's clear to everyone but you what the problem is.

Personally as having a daughter who has a step mum I think his ex wife needs to stop playing games. She is way too involved it should be what happens at dads stays at dads and what happens here stays here.
This texting you with things they have said says to me there's a bit of game playing going on too. It's not fair to be texting you with snippets the kids have said she should be encouraging them to speak to their father and you and not get so involved .
I have been on both sides of the fence as I say a parent who has a child with a step mum and also a step mum myself the joys of blended families and I have a feeling there's a little bit of stirring going on
Just my opinion though

I agree with Pingu I think there is some stirring which you need to ignore, text arrives 'boys don't like your pasta bake' just ignore.
Teenagers are difficult, they are hard wired to push you away and preteens are practicing. Even as the RP of a teenager you have to work hard to know what their life is like and what their likes and dislikes are. If you hide in the kitchen they will happily watch TV, play games etc all day. There need to points at which switching the TV off and insisting on other activity happens. Equally sometimes you need to watch their program to get an insight into their world.

Tbh OP, that's teenagers for you! (and nearly-teens too).

It's pretty normal behaviour, it's probably because you and OH don't live with the kids all the time that you feel it so keenly. I never spent a minute with my parents after I was about 12...I was always in my room or with my sister in hers.

I think the best thing you can do is organise one thing every visit where you're all together actually doing something, even if it's just a meal out or you all have a takeaway together one evening.

It's hard with teens and tweens, they don't usually want to spend time with their parents, so it must be very difficult if you don't see them often and all you get is a blank stare and silence!

Teenagers ARE difficult - but that doesn't mean your husband can just opt out because he's been rejected!

He needs to keep trying and keep making an effort. I would suggest that when his kids are home, HE cooks the meals, HE asks them what they want to do, and HE encourages them out of the house - even if it's just to McDonald's or to the park or the arcades.

You see yourself as a team, and that's great, but to them, you're not their parent - their dad is their parent and all your posts scream about a man who can't be arsed to parent his kids, and I'm sure they've realised that.

Does your OH gets at all involved in their every day life? I think this is what became the problem with my DS and his dad. His dad just wasn't interested in any aspect of his life that didn't evolve around himself. That was fine when he was little, but when he got to secondary school, started activities locally, doing more things with school etc.... all the things that young teenagers share with their parents.

DS's dad never went to see him play any of his sport, didn't attend one parents' evening, and wouldn't have been able to name one of DS' friends, not even his best friend. He wanted DS to get excited as things that happened within his new family but never showed any interest in his life. He never took him on holiday or shared any special memories with him, so ultimately, going there became...boring and he withdrew, gradually only going because he had to. He only lives 1/2 hours away, so it's not as if it was impossible.

You say your OH offers to do things with them, but is this something he is now doing because he realises they have withdrawn rather than something that was always part of the arrangement? Does he actually offer to do things they enjoy doing or is he proposing something they used to enjoy, or he assumes they enjoy, but the reality is that they couldn't care less?

I think your OH has a hard job ahead of him to rebuild their relationship. One sure thing, it will not come from them and will only get worse if he doesn't put the efforts in. That's his choice.