I think being a SM is making me depressed

[TwoDots]

I should correct that really. Being with a man with a child is making me depressed. His daughter is actually wonderful and I have a lovely relationship with her.

I just need to write this down.

I've been with my partner for a year and a half. He has his daughter half the week. We want to live together but can't afford to. I have a son who's father buggered off years ago. I've been on my own for a long time before this relationship. I just want to feel part of a family now, as does my son

There's been some bad history in this relationship. Small stuff, but enough to make me feel insecure and anxious. I've never felt so anxious in my life.

My partner and his ex almost got on too well. There were no boundaries. They used to send each other selfies (no child in pic). In fact he once sent me the same selfie as her but put a kiss on the end of her message. Not mine. They were constantly texting, going for drinks, he once even refused to meet me as she was on the phone crying to him...she had a boyfriend at the time too. It took 18 months for him to change his passcode on his phone from her birthdate. We'd be having meals together and she would phone about meaningless things. He even went on tinder behind by back to speak to a girl who knew his ex's new boyfriend. There's more and as you can imagine has caused a lot of strain. I begged him to put some boundaries in place which he has. I just think trust is broken and I feel so built up with resentment

My partner is a 'yes' man. Anything she asks he says yes to. 8 holidays a year....no problem. For the first 9 months it meant I rarely saw him as he had his daughter (much more than half the time), using all his holiday so she could go away with her boyfriend all the time. I didn't meet his daughter fir a long time which I agree with but put such a strain on us as he works awful hours too

All of this aside, things are lovely. He's a good man, but he simply cannot understand why I'm on edge. I'm trying to get past it, but I just feel such anger and resentment. The fact he doesn't understand and has zero tolerance for emotion (I get emotional over it) means I feel a freak and thus making me depressed.

I've stayed as he's made so much improvement to the situation. I'm on edge as schedules and plans change constantly to work around her social life. Doesn't help my resentment at all. I just need to feel I have a bit of say in things that affect me (I've posted about how all over the place their arrangement is before)

Ergh, it's not normal to feel like this is it? How do I lose this anger and resentment? I know it's not helping and I'm at fault for a lot of arguments too

Not the fairytale eh?

You do not have an exclusive relationship, and your partner is using the child as an excuse to keep up a relationship with his Ex. It doens't matter if she has a boyfriend. They are both crossing a line. It probably feels good because they have their relationship with none of the crap, can come and go, and the bonus is they never had to commit to their current partners.

Insecurity is awful. Your partner has not changed enough and I too think you will deeply regret this later in life if you don't leave now.

You can't lose by leaving. He will either really wake up and really make some more changes. Or not. Either way you will either be free to make a better choice, or have a partner who knows that there is a line where you can't take it anymore. That's worth more than a thousand 'conversations'.

Hi Two Dots,
I'm with Bananas on this. I'm not saying for one minute that your Dp is a 'bad man' but he's obviously still very emotionally involved with the mother of his child. Some women may not mind this but you do & that's totally ok - you feel how you feel.
On the outside looking in it appears that the work being put into the relationship completely outstrips the benefits of the relationship & that's not right imo - a good relationship is supposed to make you feel secure & you just don't. This isn't your fault; you're not paranoid - your gut instinct is telling you that this isn't right, for you - listen to it.
My Dp & I have a ridiculously hard working relationship juggling two sets of teens, work etc. but it's worth it because we make each other feel fantastic & wanted & prioritised.
I swore after my marriage that I would never again be in a relationship that made me slog emotionally - it took me a while & some disasters to break the pattern but I got there eventually. Dp never feels like an emotional slog.
Yes your Dp has a child but moving forward you should be his go to person, not his ex. It doesn't matter how nice or easygoing he is - it just doesn't sound like he's right for you.

Magda I know you're right. My body is telling me things aren't right. To him, this equates to 1% of our relationship and the other 99% is fantastic. I don't feel the same right now

I've been up half the night and am shaking now as last minute their arrangement regarding their daughter has changed again. Despite all the discussions we've had about it, and he's seen the impact it has on me when he just casually drops it into a conversation, it's happened yet again and I'm sure he's at home blissfully unaware of the impact. He sees it as as nothing whereas I feel on shaky ground again

I feel physically ill, sleep deprived, and shaky

That goes outside of parental responsibility.
Of course it does. The issue is that he is still clearly very friendly with her, which he thinks is ok whereas you see it as a threat and wish their relationship with restricted to the minimum relating to their daughter.

Personally, I think what would be reasonable would be somewhere in between. When my ex and I broke up, we reminded on friendly terms. Not to the extent of your ex, but we would talk, email and spend some time together with the children for special events, especially with his family as I remind close to them. There were absolutely no feelings or intention to get back together. It just that he was part of my life and the issues that broke our relationship wasn't how we got along but others issues (money, trust and how this killed all feelings of love).

When his partner came into it, she didn't like it at all and quickly put a stop to it. She even told his parents that it wasn't acceptable that they were still inviting me to their house, but they stood up to her and reminded her that however much they welcome her, she wasn't to dictate who they could invite or not in their house. She didn't like it and refuse to talk to them after that for many years.

He stood by her and rightly so, but it destroyed our friendship and his relationship with his parents.

The point is that you have to find the right middle. You need to feel secure, loved and not feel threatened that any day, he is going to announce that he and she realised how much they really loved each other and that they've decided to try again.

At the same time, it wouldn't be fair on him to feel constantly spied on and having to justify any communication he has with her when from his perspective, he knows there is no way on earth he will get back with her but at the same time, value their friendship without feeling that anytime you might announce you're going to leave him if he says to her one thing too many.

So really, it all comes down to whether you can find a compromise where both of you can feel secure yet free to be yourself in your relationship. You need to consider what are the limits by which you would feel free of anxiety and whether these are limits he can abide too without feeling controlled.

Seriously, relationships are meant to be fun and life-enhancing. At 18 months in, you should still be in the loved up stage, not in a relationship which requires so much work, personal effort to change, and causes so much anxiety.

You two are not compatible. Nobody's fault. You are trying to hold on for whatever personal reasons you have but they are nothing to do with this relationship. Time to let go and move on. By staying in something causing you depression you are missing the opportunity to find someone who makes you happy!!

I don't think I can do it swing. So much has happened, and I literally hate her existence. I can't stand them even speaking to each other now. My middle ground and compromise is keeping my head together to talk positively about her to his daughter (she talks about mummy constantly...not saying it's a bad thing but a constant reminder to me), to stick to their arrangement 70-80% of the time to allow us to plan and have a life too, and to try and keep contact to child related stuff. I need a bit of consistency and structure. I'm not so rigid to say never be flexible but most weeks change and I find it so hard

That is my compromise. Anything more and I'm an anxious mess. I've told him it's not even a thought process but a physical response, I'm shaking now

I think with my compromise he probably still doesn't feel free or trusted which I understand. He wants to be with me but their actions have severely cracked the foundation of our relationship and it's hard to repair

Is wanting to stick to an agreement 70-80% of the time unreasonable? Is discussing parts of our life which impacts the other with each other unreasonable?

I've lost all sense of reality I think

I'm sorry but this just sounds awful. I understand first hand the complexities of a blended family but this hasn't even got to the stage of blending your families and you're already in trouble.

Listen Two Dots - you could probably handle his contact with ex under other circumstances i.e. if he was making you feel that your relationship was 'the' relationship; if he was putting you & he as a couple first. You sound like a very reasonable and self aware person.
I don't think your worries or anxieties have anything to do with him having a kid & an ex - it's him not his circumstances that have you feeling this way.
Can you get away for a bit and recalibrate yourself? Get some sleep & have a proper think without him around?

He's not available. Don't waste anymore time on him.

You have all been so lovely. Thank you. I have taken all advice on board

We have had a big discussion and agreed on a middle ground. I will give it to the end of the year to see if it improves. That is my cut off. If things don't change before then and in say a month or two I'm still feeling this anxious, then I know a break is needed

I'm going to ask for support to have a life outside of children and this relationship to give me more focus. I'm honestly self aware, had counselling etc, I will just give this the time. Outside if all this schedule and ex business, things really are lovely. He wants us to live together, marry etc, he's just not found his place with separating his old life and his new. I need to give him a bit more freedom as swing suggested, and I've told him how I can feel more secure with it. Let's see if it can improve

Promise to keep you updated. Thank you so much xx

Hope it works for you TwoDots. I think you are both doing everything you can, so even if it doesn't, at least you'll be able to move on knowing you really tried and despite all the efforts, it wasn't meant to be.