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Original poster

Money

37 replies

mycatdoesntlovemeanymore · 08/08/2017 12:45

Just wondering what others think is reasonable in this situation.

Dh is paying maintenance to his ex gf for 200 per month for 2dc. He also pays half of school trips, and purchases monthly phone line rental and new phones/pads for kids when needed or as requested by ex p, as well as paying pocket money to kids and doing several clothes trips a year, and buying school clothes as needed.

He works a full time job in an retail job and doesn't get paid a lot. His maintenance is above the CSA calculator recommendation but clearly isn't half of what it costs to raise kids so ex p is not happy, understandably. It has been suggested by her/ others that I should be contributing / enabling him to pay more money towards his kids. I earn more money than dh and do contribute financially in some ways, e.g. Making the larger purchases on his behalf like clothes etc, and also so that we can have holidays that he couldn't afford otherwise.

I'm asking this question now as following requesting a holiday date for next year, now ex p is saying dh is not allowed to take them on holiday until he pays more money as is not fair to treat kids when his money doesn't cover the bare essentials. (it is probably fair to be annoyed about this so we won't ask to take the kids on holiday again until they are old enough to decide for themselves.)

If we were to increase money to ex p, what do you think is a reasonable maintenance figure that we should aim for? Should he be paying half of the actual costs of raising kids (she has previously quoted as 800pm), or what we can afford? what is fair?

OP posts:
KatyBerry · 08/08/2017 12:48

what does their mother earn / claim in tax credits / benefits and who else is in her household?

Original poster
mycatdoesntlovemeanymore · 08/08/2017 12:58

Ex p is self employed but doesn't earn any money from this other than a reasonable amount of cash in hand money but that is none of my business and as a result is getting means tested benefits

OP posts:
TwoDots · 08/08/2017 12:58

What the actual?

How often does your partner have the kids and what are their ages?

Alittlepotofrosie · 08/08/2017 13:00

Your money is nothing to do with maintenance. Sounds like he's paying his fair share. Perhaps ex should look at whether she is living within her means.

cupcake007 · 08/08/2017 13:09

Tell her to jog on! They're not your kids and not your financial responsibility. She's just pissed that she can't afford to take them on holiday and you can! I think your DP is being more than fair, and I say that as a mum and step-mum!

Original poster
mycatdoesntlovemeanymore · 08/08/2017 13:17

They are teens, and no one else in the household as far as we know but we think ep' bf doesn't live there as she would be financially worse off.

Dh has kids fri-sun alternate we's and half of sh's.----

OP posts:
Mynewballoon · 08/08/2017 13:19

I contribute to support my DSC because I can afford to and because I have a very close relationship with them, but I don't give money to the ex, I either contribute to shopping or give them money directly.

However, it sounds like your DH is providing more than enough for them, so I don't think you're under any obligation to provide more. She is completely out of order saying they can't go on holiday if you don't pay more. That's ridiculous!

Rainybo · 08/08/2017 13:20

Your DP is being more than fair.

lookatyourwatchnow · 08/08/2017 13:21

Who the fuck deprives their kids of a holiday with their other parent like that. What a dick.

Strictly1 · 08/08/2017 13:22

I don't think you owe her any more money - it's not your fault she can't afford a holiday and what mum deprives their children of a holiday to make a point!

LBOCS2 · 08/08/2017 13:29

Your income is fuck all to do with your partner's ex. The child they made between them is their responsibility, and whilst I wouldn't say your partner is being generous, per se, I would say that he is going above and beyond the legally enforced minimum (which is what she would be entitled to if he dug his heels in, although I wouldn't suggest that as a course of action).

Ultimately when he has the DC it's entirely up to him what that time is spent doing. If you have them for a couple of weeks during the holidays, then it's up to you (as a couple) where you take them and what you do with them.

Incidentally, we've been told (as we've investigated it) that the DC's passports belong to them and as such she has no right to withhold them. If she plays silly buggers a solicitors' letter might form a useful reminder of that.

JuicyStrawberry · 08/08/2017 13:44

Your income is completely irrelevant when it comes to calculating maintenance.

It's the same as if she got a partner, his income wouldn't mean your dp has to pay less would it? No, because again it's irrelevant.
Either partner could be a millionaire but it doesn't mean maintenance should go up or down as a result.

Mrscropley · 08/08/2017 13:47

Has he got a dd? Maybe you should bag up all your best clothes and shoes and send them over also?!
Fuck that. .
He is handling the financial support of his dc more than fairly.

Dollyparton3 · 08/08/2017 13:51

we've had this - DP's ex told him that she was going to ask the CSA to investigate our "household income" as soon as I came on the scene. we told her to go ahead as his income hadn't increased at all but the perception from her was that because I'd treated them to a Nando's once in a while she thought my money could go towards her household.

What you both do with your money is entirely up to you. I suggest you reply with the following:

"Dear Ex, prohibiting the children from going on holiday will only harm them. Perhaps they can go on two holidays next year, one funded by mycatdoesntlovemeanymore and one funded by your boyfriend. That seems fair"

lunar1 · 08/08/2017 14:17

Your income is irrelevant to the maintenance and it's really kind of you to help out with clothes.

The only question I would ask is, does the amount he pays reflect his taxable income or the actual income he receives but doesn't declare? Because if it's the former she has a point.

The holiday thing is pretty nasty!

Original poster
mycatdoesntlovemeanymore · 08/08/2017 14:43

It's his actual income, and I could write a book about the nastiness and abuse but that was not my intention of this tread.

If she still wants to share all school holidays next year we can obv holiday in the U.K. if the opportunity arises so really it's just a relatively unenforceable threat.

But my point of the thread was really about the maintenance and it sounds like the consensus is that it is reasonably fair in the circumstances.

Thank you all for you input :)

OP posts:
swingofthings · 08/08/2017 16:41

What is fair is so subjective, there can't be a straight response.

My view is that he was previously working FT, earning £50K and since he got with you (or separated from her), gave up his job to take on a part time job earning £15K whilst being mainly supported by you who earns £50K, then yes, I can understand why she would be annoyed and feel that morally, if you can afford to pay towards taking them on holiday, you could help a bit towards their every day costs.

If however he is working FT, and has always earned his current income or less, then she really has no right to expect that you should be contributing just because you are earning better than she and he.

Floralnomad · 08/08/2017 16:46

Do they live nearby , would it be feasible to have custody 50/50 so that you don't have to pay her anything . ( I assume that's how it would work)

swingofthings · 08/08/2017 18:02

would it be feasible to have custody 50/50 so that you don't have to pay her anything .
So the children lives should be disrupted just so that he and OP doesn't have to pay anything? They would have to pay anyway, and probably more than £200 a month if they had them half the time.

50/50 custody should be considered on the basis that this what is best for the children, no so that no maintenance has to be paid.

eyebrowsonfleek · 08/08/2017 18:07

The OP and dad are paying for clothes, maintenance and half of school costs already. I have a teen and clothing costs can be considerable (shoes !!) and we don't know how far away the houses are. If they live close then it could be a good plan.

eyebrowsonfleek · 08/08/2017 18:09

Shame about the holidays day. As long as dad organized holiday costs (passports, clothing needed etc) it could have been fun for the kids.

Viviennemary · 08/08/2017 18:15

This is quite difficult. I don't think you should contribute towards the cost of his maintenance. And I don't think the mother should be using money as a weapon to refuse permission for holidays and access. It's hard to say what is a fair amount. Everyone seems to think the CSA recommended amounts are too low.

Floralnomad · 08/08/2017 18:29

swing , I was thinking more along the lines of the kids being teens and missing out on holidays etc because of their mums attitude , it sounds like they all get on well and if they live close it wouldn't be that disruptive to split the time equally .

sweetbitter · 08/08/2017 18:41

I think it sounds fair. Although the £200 pm he pays doesn't cover half their costs, he obviously pays ad hoc for plenty of other stuff, plus he bears the cost of providing a home for them for the time they are with him which seems to be a fair amount.

Could he ask if she'd prefer a higher monthly payment rather than the addressee hoc contributions to school trips, uniform, pocket money etc?

sweetbitter · 08/08/2017 18:42

*addressee hoc = ad hoc

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