Don't have any interest in (almost adult) step child.

[BullByTheHorns]

I have NCd for this in case I get absolutely slated (yes I know I am a coward).

My partner has a 17yo child, "M", from a previous relationship. He keeps in regular email and phone contact with M, but due to distance doesn't see them that often (1-2 times a year). I have met M a few times at family get-togethers, and they are nice enough for a few hours social chit chat, but outside of that I have zero in common with them, and no interest in being any form of step-mother figure (which my chap knows and fully understands). In any case, (a) M has parents already and (b) is practically an adult anyway!

I guess my question is - is that wrong? Normal? Abnormal?

Not in a nasty way, but I usually don't even think about M from one month to the next unless my partner mentions them. I think he sometimes unthinkingly assumes that because he has a natural interest in M, I will too, but I don't. It isn't deliberate, I just...don't.

M has a mother and stepfather (who has been there since M was v young I believe), their step-siblings, plus my partner, plus both sets of grandparents and various aunties and uncles, plus their own friends, college tutors and whatnot locally - plenty of people they have active, established relationships with already.

I don't have anything amazingly extra/useful to offer them that they don't already get from their family, nor do I have any any experience or wisdom to impart about their plans for the next few years. I think it would be very odd for me to just shove my oar in for no reason.

(I am not trying to be obstructive and I know you are trying to suggest positive help, but I honestly don't believe partner and M have a problem I need to 'sort' for them - and it is not my place to announce otherwise based on such limited exposure!)

My main question was whether I was wrong or abnormal for not having a close relationship with M personally. Some people think I am, and some think I am not. So thank you all again for your comments.

You and your dp sound extremely cold towards her , especially her DF surely it shouldn't be up to her SF or her aunties and uncles to forge relationships instead of your dp. I couldn't imagine having such an distant and cold relationship with my DF she really hasn't been given the opportunity to be able to gain a level of closeness given the amount of time she sees her DF this isn't a distant relative as you put earlier this is his own dd. As someone said they see their dentist more than your dp sees his child.

Your dp is abnormal for having so little access with his dd.

I would judge and not want to be with a man who was content with so little contact with his DC.

I appreciate many of you are viewing this situation based on your own stepfamily experiences, and are making final judgements accordingly, about complete strangers on the internet. And of course I can't detail our entire life stories on here to an extent you will be satisfied to take me at my word, but I assure you that I am confident that M and partner are both quite happy and content, and to reiterate that was not even what I was posting about to start with.

So thank you all for your comments but I will politely agree to disagree with some of them. Please accept and and have a nice evening.

I'm sure you are not super-closely entwined with every single member of your extended family either? I've got very little family, what I do have don't tend to bother much.

I understand that you can't help the way you feel. The amount of time you partner sees his child would make me sad but if both parties are happy with that, then that's the main thing.

I am the same as you. I currently feel the same about my step son as I do my mother in law. Neither are heavily involved in my life so I haven't formed any bond or connection with them. No negative feelings, just no bond. Sometimes I feel guilty as you hear of some step mums who love their step kids as their own which is great, but unless you are put into a regular mothering position by your partner, which I'm not, realistically it just isn't going to happen

I was 21 when my dad married his wife. And now almost 20yrs later I still refer to her as my dads wife. My mum has been with her husband over 20yrs and I still refer to him as my mums husband.

My DC refer to my mums husband by his name and my dads wife as grandma xxxx I'm fine with that, their choice.

With both my dads wife and my mums husband I have always been nice to them, included them in anything and everything but I didn't/don't need additional parents. My mums husband 'gets' it and I'm really close to him, my dads wife doesn't and it has caused lots of friction between us.

I get where you are coming from OP and if you and your DH and DSD are happy with how it is then carry on as you are. I assume for whatever reason your DH and DSD are happy with the level of contact they have.

I don't think it's v surprising under the circumstances that you haven't built a close relationship with 'M'. You don't mention how long you have been together but the occasional meeting isn't going to produce a close relationship. You also haven't had any children yourself so possibly feel less naturally maternal.

What I am shocked about is that your partner only sees his daughter once or twice a year. I find that really sad. How can you possibly say that he is a good father when he does no parenting by choice? If the mother had removed the child to Australia as an infant or was denying him access that would be understandable but you haven't mentioned either of these circumstances. Any decent father (or mother) would do anything they could to spend time with their child, provide for them and parent them even after a separation. Teenage years can be so tricky too and is a time when teens need emotional and practical support. It's sad that 'M' doesn't get that from her dad.

I'm an adult with a 'step-mother' who is perfectly pleasant but I have no particular interest in. Honestly it sounds fine to me, there's no reason why you can't just be supportive of your partner's relationship with his child without becoming emotionally entangled yourself (I would fine this extremely irritating tbh). And I would be extremely offended if my stepmother had to remind my dad about my birthday- the whole point is him remembering because he's my dad. It sounds like you are doing fine to me.

I had no contact with my partner's children, they didn't want to meet me.
He saw the younger one (mid teens by the point our relationship got to the introducing stage) most weeks for a couple of hours, taking them for a meal or the cinema, the older one less frequently as an "event" and then they went to uni so even less frequently as is natural - he went down to see them at uni a few times and would see them when they were back home. He did run them both around quite a bit and kept in touch on IM. I got the impression he'd been very close to them before he split from their mother and the change was difficult for all of them.
As I didn't have any contact I naturally had no relationship with them, but I was interested in them and their lives as they were a massive part of his life. I'd ask about them and we'd talk about them.
They were much more a part of our lives than "Aunt Maud who we never saw" because they were a major part of his life, not an occasional thing.

I think each family is different and it's fine to have as much or as little contact as you feel right with. I would think about the future though - what if your partner was seriously ill or some other crisis? These people are his closest relatives.

I'm grateful every single day for my step parents. My step dad is a wonderful, wonderful man who has brought love and richness to my life since I was a child. I can tell him literally anything. He's the best grandad in the world to my son, and ridiculously active and energetic with him despite age and ill health.

I don't call my dad's wife my stepmother but it's a mark of respect. I first met her when I was a teenager and have always has more of a friendship with her than anything maternal. She is eccentric, hilarious, loving and kind. My dad simply can't breathe without her. I'm just so grateful for the richness of having four parents. I've been so lucky I feel sorry for people with only two - not least in the summer holidays when they provide an army of backup.

It is what it is, all families have their own dynamic.