Bedroom allocation 😒

[badgerread]

Situation is this:

Selling both houses. Buying one. 4 bedrooms. DS8 and DS12 with us full time bar every other weekend. DSS11 and DSS13 with us 50%. DSS's have their own room when with Mum. DS's sleep on the floor at their DF's.

How would you allocate bedrooms??

dss share the room.

I'd go with a room each for the two who are there full time, shared room for the 50% brothers.

BUT dss brothers then get best room.

Have you asked them? Are they sensible enough to understand the problem and make their own suggestions? Even if it just gave you an idea of how strongly they felt about sharing/ not sharing.

I would still keep it equal and just have a spare room/office space or whatever in the fourth room. It's not fair that your DSSs are losing their current home with their father to move into a shared stepfamily situation where they lose their own space but the other children are given their own rooms. What happens with their other parent is irrelevant, they need to feel like equal members of your new combined family.

What about a DS and DSS per room? Do they get on well enough for that? So for 50% of the week your DSs would technically have their own rooms anyway.

Step children already have rooms they call their own at their mothers.
Why can't your children have the same? With their father they don't have any.

I would let the dss share and let your children have their own room.

The set up of having it equal is leaving your sons at a disadvantage. You know that and it's not fair on them.

If I were your dp I'd chose not to move in together at this stage. His children will be worse off and that's not the right way to start a blended family.

How are his children worse off lunar?

Both sets need to share to keep it equal. If DSS'S mum takes them abroad, does that mean you only take your two? You have to ignore what happens outside of your own home

I take it the contact arrangement for dss's is changing if they are going to be with you 50%?

Is there a way of splitting one of the rooms or maybe reconfigure the whole upstairs to create a 4th bedroom? Or do. You have a downstairs study or separate dining room you could. Convert?

DP has always had 50% care. There is another place we've seen with 5 beds. Just needs more work and is a bit more expensive but I think it could be worth it to save the arguments! It's DP and I fighting our children's corners. I think if we asked them what they wanted to do they wouldn't care! 😁

Resentment will brew

Sorry I misread your post about eow

I think if you can find a way to give all of them their own room that might be better.

Have you considered houses with a study or. Dining room you could convert rather than go straight for a 5 bed

If you can afford althe 5 bedroom place then go for that. Seriously, you'll have 4 teenage boys in the house half the time, within a couple of years. Them each having their own private space is such a valuable parenting tool. Plus, will cut out
rows and resentment.

Thanks Somerville

There you have your answer! Ask you DSSs and if they would want their own rooms, look at other places I know logically it seems to make sense for them to share and yours not, but if they perceive it as preference, rather than practicality, it could be very damaging to the blended family dynamic.

DSS (13) and DS (12) in one room, DSS (11) and DS (8) in the other room until the extension is finished?

It's DP and I fighting our children's corners. I think if we asked them what they wanted to do they wouldn't care!
this is very silly. It's about what is best with the boys, not fighting your corner. Children have different needs depending on their personalities. Some are desperate for their own space, others hate being alone and much prefer sharing.

I find it sad that considering their age, this is not discussed with them at all. Surely the first step should have been exactly that, asking them what they would like in a perfect world, and what they would be prepared to compromise. Even if they change their mind, you will have have included them in the decision in the first place.

If you feel that you need to fight for each other's children, then it is raising alarm bells as to what the dynamics will be when you are all living together. There shouldn't be any 'my' vs 'you' boys, it should be about what is best for the 4 of them.

They are worse off because they currently have their own space, suddenly they become less important because they are just the step kids who have their own room at their mums, so why should they at their dads.

How can you not see that?

I imaging that even if the 13 year old doesn't mind now, he will very soon. How long before they just want to stay at their mums because they have their own space there.

What Lunar said.

Yep, what Lunar said

But what about the other boys who have no room of their own anywhere else and this is their own space for all their possessions? They don't have half here and half somewhere else. This is it? We have talked about it and DS12 AND DS13 will share being in the same school year and they get on really well. DS11 and DS8 will have their own rooms. IF we go for the 4 bed, then we will extend in a couple of years.

Then it doesn't matter what anyone says, you have made up your mind.

Your two are more important in your home because of what they don't have at their dads. The arrangement at their dads is shit and I'm sure as soon as they are old enough they will speak with their feet and not spend every other weekend sleeping on a floor.

It's not the role of your soon to be step children to make up for what your children don't have at their dads.

Don't dismiss how disruptive having two homes is to children, would you like to split your life moving between two homes without any choice?

Making the 4 children unequal is setting up problems for the future and I hope your dp chooses not to go ahead and move in with you.

Lunar that is unfair.

Am i unreasonable because we could only afford a 3 bed and dsd11 and dd3 have to share whilst dss gets his own room?

No one was given a choice it was what it was.

No one is say the step kids here are less part of the family, however t he it need is less because they oy live at this home for 50% of the time.

The OP has taken in board suggestions, there is no need to attack her